Monkeys Fist 38829 Posted September 20, 2023 Share Posted September 20, 2023 Me and the wife took a trip on the Orient Express. A porter came up to me on the platform and said “ Shall I carry your bag sir?” I said “ Nah, she can walk” 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26967 Posted September 21, 2023 Share Posted September 21, 2023 "Do you have any weaknesses?" "I sometimes let myself down in interviews." "Don't worry, you're doing ok." "You would think that, you're a fucking idiot." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26967 Posted September 21, 2023 Share Posted September 21, 2023 "Any weaknesses?" "Sometimes I can be a bit too honest." "I don't think you can ever be too honest." "I couldn't give a fuck what you think." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9250 Posted September 21, 2023 Share Posted September 21, 2023 16 hours ago, Alex said: My wife’s gone to the Caribbean. Jamaica? No, she went of her own accord Fucking hell, that's older than Noelie's granddad. Not even MF went there. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9250 Posted September 21, 2023 Share Posted September 21, 2023 46 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said: "Do you have any weaknesses?" "I sometimes let myself down in interviews." "Don't worry, you're doing ok." "You would think that, you're a fucking idiot." 43 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said: "Any weaknesses?" "Sometimes I can be a bit too honest." "I don't think you can ever be too honest." "I couldn't give a fuck what you think." Good luck with your new job interviews 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharp 35 Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 My obese parrot died today, sad news but its a huge weight off me shoulders 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9250 Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 4 hours ago, Sharp said: My obese parrot died today, sad news but its a huge weight off me shoulders 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38829 Posted September 29, 2023 Share Posted September 29, 2023 I woke up suddenly last night , screaming “ Jesus tittyfucking Christ! My arsehole’s on fire!!” Mrs. F. said “ Ring Sting?” I said, through clenched teeth ” Ok, what’s his number?” 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9250 Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 2 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said: I woke up suddenly last night , screaming “ Jesus tittyfucking Christ! My arsehole’s on fire!!” Mrs. F. said “ Ring Sting?” I said, through clenched teeth ” Ok, what’s his number?” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26967 Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 Bloke newly joined the French foreign legion has a chat with his sergeant: New Soldier: "Sergeant, there's nothing for miles but sand, what the fuck are you supposed to do for a shag?" Sergeant: "Don't worry, we've thought about stuff like this, go to shed number six across the way, there's a camel in there. I'll book you in for seven o'clock tomorrow." Five past seven the next night the sergeant walks by shed number six and looks in and there's the new recruit giving it six nowt to the camel up it's arse. Sergeant: "What are you fucking doing? You fucking dirty bastard! Why didn't you ride it into town like the rest of the lads?" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38829 Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 1925 called and wants its joke back. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38829 Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 Since we’re doing ancient ones… King George makes a secret visit to the field hospitals in North Africa during WWII, as a moral boost for the Tommies. He walks up to the first lad in his bed and asks why he’s in. “ Haemorrhoids, Sir” says the lad. “ And what’s the treatment for that?” says The King. “ Wire brush and Dettol, Sir!” says the lad. “ Anything I can do for you?” Says Georgie ” No Sir, I’m being well looked after.” Next lad, same crack ” And what are you I for, my man?” ” Gonorrhea, Sir. “ “ Oh… what’s the treatment for that ?” ” Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.” ” Anything I can do for you, my man?” ” No Sir, I’m very well cared for” Third lad ” At ease, soldier. What are you in for?” Says wor King Geordie. “ Bleeding gums Sir” ” And how’s that treated?” ” Wire brush and Dettol, Sir” “ Anything I can do for you, Private?” ” Yes sir, there is …” ” Name it my good man “ ” Can you put my name at the top of the treatment list?” 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 10007 Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26967 Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 2 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said: Since we’re doing ancient ones… King George makes a secret visit to the field hospitals in North Africa during WWII, as a moral boost for the Tommies. He walks up to the first lad in his bed and asks why he’s in. “ Haemorrhoids, Sir” says the lad. “ And what’s the treatment for that?” says The King. “ Wire brush and Dettol, Sir!” says the lad. “ Anything I can do for you?” Says Georgie ” No Sir, I’m being well looked after.” Next lad, same crack ” And what are you I for, my man?” ” Gonorrhea, Sir. “ “ Oh… what’s the treatment for that ?” ” Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.” ” Anything I can do for you, my man?” ” No Sir, I’m very well cared for” Third lad ” At ease, soldier. What are you in for?” Says wor King Geordie. “ Bleeding gums Sir” ” And how’s that treated?” ” Wire brush and Dettol, Sir” “ Anything I can do for you, Private?” ” Yes sir, there is …” ” Name it my good man “ ” Can you put my name at the top of the treatment list?” Old as the hills! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38829 Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 “ My dog has no nose!” ” How does he eat his beans?” ” He doesn’t -he puts them back in the tin” ” FUCK OFF! “ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spongebob toonpants 3606 Posted October 4, 2023 Share Posted October 4, 2023 It’s business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head. The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head. The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life. “Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?” So the man told his story. "A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes. "For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there. "For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. “For my third wish – and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up – I asked for an orange for a head.” 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38829 Posted October 4, 2023 Share Posted October 4, 2023 I knew it was coming but still laughed. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9250 Posted October 4, 2023 Share Posted October 4, 2023 32 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said: I knew it was coming but still laughed. Not surprised. Your jokes suggest you're easily amused. 🙂 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38829 Posted October 4, 2023 Share Posted October 4, 2023 7 minutes ago, RobinRobin said: Not surprised. Your jokes suggest you're easily amused. 🙂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9250 Posted October 5, 2023 Share Posted October 5, 2023 16 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted October 5, 2023 Share Posted October 5, 2023 They’re doing a prequel to the film ‘The Equalizer’. It’s called ‘One Nil’. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38829 Posted October 5, 2023 Share Posted October 5, 2023 21 minutes ago, Craig said: They’re doing a prequel to the film ‘The Equalizer’. It’s called ‘One Nil’. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wardi 82 Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 Police have arrested a man for squirting Domestos at the Archbishop of Canterbury. Officers say the man has been charged with a bleach of the Priest. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 34625 Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9250 Posted October 7, 2023 Share Posted October 7, 2023 55 minutes ago, Wardi said: Police have arrested a man for squirting Domestos at the Archbishop of Canterbury. Officers say the man has been charged with a bleach of the Priest. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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