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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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5 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the “dry” side. 


It’s definitely something that needs addressing

 

2 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Mrs. F. walked out on me a month ago because she caught me groping bags of pasta. 
 

I miss her so much. 
 

I’ve been feeling cannelloni. 


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4 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Mrs. F. walked out on me a month ago because she caught me groping bags of pasta. 
 

I miss her so much. 
 

I’ve been feeling cannelloni. 

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Just been to visit my friends’ new baby. 

 

They asked me if I wanted to wind him. 
 

I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Just got back from the small claims court where I took the ferry company to task about our missing baggage from the recent holiday. 
 

 

 

 

Lost my case. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I had a pretty traumatic time recently when a close friend was involved in a car accident. 
Luckily we were able to pull them out, but they had terrible injuries and had lost a lot of blood. 
When the ambulance turned up they wanted to administer a transfusion, but none of us knew the blood group of our poor, now departed, friend. 
What will always stay with me though, as they slowly passed away, was their amazing attitude, despite the circumstances. 
They just kept shouting 

“ Be Positive! Be positive!”

Terrible way to go

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've got a job making plastic Draculas. Problem is there are only two of us on the production line so I've go to make every second Count. 

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3 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

I've got a job making plastic Draculas. Problem is there are only two of us on the production line so I've go to make every second Count. 

Fangs for that, now …

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Blonde gets knocked off her bike by a bus. 
 

The paramedic arrives and as he’s checking her over he holds up his hand and says

” How many fingers have I got up?l

 

Blonde 

“ Oh my God, I can’t feel any- I’m paralysed aren’t I?” 

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12 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Blonde gets knocked off her bike by a bus. 
 

The paramedic arrives and as he’s checking her over he holds up his hand and says

” How many fingers have I got up?l

 

Blonde 

“ Oh my God, I can’t feel any- I’m paralysed aren’t I?” 

 

1 hour ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Wifey walks in the hairdressers in Ashington. 
 

“ What style do want pet?”

” Can I have it curled please?”

” Aye, I just gan erpen the winderr “

 

Stop Motion Yes GIF by Mouse

 

1 hour ago, Ginolaandtonic said:

My wife’s gone to Scandinavia

 

Norway?

 

Yes way.

 

 

 

 

My wife’s gone to India

 

Mumbai?

 

No her father paid.

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5 hours ago, Ginolaandtonic said:

My wife’s gone to Scandinavia

 

Norway?

 

Yes way.

 

 

 

 

My wife’s gone to India

 

Mumbai?

 

No her father paid.

My wife’s gone to the Caribbean. 
 

Jamaica?

 

No, she went of her own accord 

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