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if you heard a joke today, post it


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I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my wife said, "You spoil them dogs".

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

Did you hear about the kiwi who slept with his sister?  He didn’t want to but she incested. 

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the three bears came home from a walk in the woods and noticed someone had broken in. 

mr bear said "someone's been eating my porridge", mrs bear said "someone's been eating my porridge too!"

the little bear said "fuck the porridge, someone's nicked the telly!" 

 

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I don’t think I’ve posted my all-time favourite joke yet this year. 

Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint.

In walks his mate, Gauguin, who says,

” Alreet Vinny, fancy a pint?”

Vincent says,

” No thanks, I’ve got one ‘ere.”

:rimshot:

 

 

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Paddy goes for a job, the interviewer asks him to give his full name. Paddy answers, "Sortanly sor, it's Patrick Mulligan-Flaherty', sor."

"How do you spell that?" Asks the interviewer. "Stick the fucking job up your arse!" Replies Paddy.

"Ok, we'll skip that one for now." Says the interviewer, "Can you lay bricks?" He adds.

"No." Says Paddy.

"Are you any good at joinery?" The interviewer enquiries.

"No." Say Paddy

"Any general building skills at all?" The interviewer asks.

"Not really, sor."

The interviewer scratches his head and says, "This job is for a school handyman. How the hell are you handy?"

Paddy replies, "Oi just live round the corner, sor!"

 

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