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I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my wife said, "You spoil them dogs".

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

Did you hear about the kiwi who slept with his sister?  He didn’t want to but she incested. 

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Trump finally croaks it and ends up in hell. The devil greets him and tells him that although he's deserving of a place they're a little bit overbooked at the minute. 'You're definitely staying but I'm going to have to let someone go who was touch and go whether they ended up here or not. I tell you what, I'll even let you decide. Here's your choices but you can pick only one and you must take up their eternal punishment." The devil then shows him into cavern where President Nixon is constantly trying to swim away from crocodiles in a deep pool. Trump says, 'I'm not the greatest swimmer since I hurt my shoulder so I'll give this one a miss." The devil takes him to another cavern, in it Saddam Hussein is constantly trying to break rocks with a pick but the pick just sparks off and the rocks stay intact. Trump looks at the devil and says, "Yeah, I can't see my poor shoulder holding up to that for eternity. Anything else?" The devil takes him to the last cavern, there, lying spread eagled with his hands chained behind his head is President Clinton with Monica Lewinsky in between his legs giving him an eternal piping. Trump dives straight in and says that he'll take this task on. The devil nods his head then shouts, "Ok, Monica, pet, that'll do, you can go back up to heaven now." 

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