Monster

1. Introduce mandatory deportation of all plastic paddys and queen worshippers in Scotland, thereby reducing the population by about 60% and bankrupting two foul and evil terrorist football clubs. 2. Independance for Scotland. 3. Where enforcable, stop the benefits of the parents of every ned/chav under 16 who causes trouble, thereby getting said parents off their lazy arses and doing some parenting. 4. Abolish speed cameras and replace them with free bolt-on turbo fitting centers for all makes of car. 5. Legalise drinking at football matches again in Scotland as it would be safe now(see policy 1)

You couldn't make it up! It's political correctness gone mad the way the government these days wants to hand out benefits to anyone with a foreign passport! 4 hours i waited at casualty the other day for a doctor and when he finally saw me he didn't speak a word of bleedin' English. Black as the ace of spades he was. I wish i was a single mother. Bloody liberty.

Well, it is a trivial complaint seeing as how people are being murdered in wars the left-wing mafia started, so i suppose i should just calm down really. It's just irritating that nothing seems to get done with any common sense these days.

Have you got rid of that Stella fridge yet? i like the look of it.

So they make you drive at the speed limit over the entire section? Sounds like a good idea to me, stop whinging about it. Yet another Nissan Sunny owner it would appear.

Sorry about everyone having a hard time of things at the minute. 2006 has been a fucking great year for me: My boy won some awards at school for his art stuff. I became an Uncle in August The wife still loves me. I was 'promoted' to bus convener of the supporters club(i say promoted, no other punter was stupid enough to do it tbh) I am about to be elected onto the board of the Supporters Trust. Not too bad eh?

As with many things in this fucking left-wing mafia run country, a good idea is ruined by the twats in charge. Speed cameras are a great idea that can save many lives when sited in accident blackspots. However, once police forces spotted the potential for revenue, things have gotten completely out of hand. Up here,on the motorway closest to my village, we have average speed cameras now, which measure your speed over 3 miles and calculate the average. They are placed on a perfectly safe easily driveable stretch of a road which has a terrible accident record, IN CERTAIN PLACES. Needless to say, the cameras are not sited on the accident blackspots, presumably because they weren't making enough money.

That is indeed genius. Woodland Critter Christmas.

Which episode of The Simpsons is the one where they go and be brainwashed by the religious cult? That's my favourite: "Mr. Simpson, what would you prefer, eternal bliss or beer?" "Eh....what kind of beer?"

2 litres of evil cider with blackcurrant in it on the way to Brechin on Saturday. Add that to the Stella and the Vodka and i wasn't pleasant yesterday.....

When your missus is a midwife you quickly develop an immunity to mealtime chats about things that would normally turn you green and make you sick. Comes with the territory.

White cider?! Pints of Magners, at least!! In your Gosforth mansion tbh

Kinky Afro by the Happy Mondays. As soon as i hear the piano intro it immediately reminds me of being 17 and have 19" flared Joe Bloggs jeans and me Mondays t-shirt getting out my face on naughty substances. Bliss.

See you Geordie birds are a class apart. When you're getting pissed on your white cider it's all 'brie and crackers'. Up here it's all fat sweaty lasses with bits of deep fried mars bar on their knockers.

I heard on the radio this morning that the Scissor Sisters are releasing a cover of Maggie May by Rod Stewart. How shyte will that be?

Next time come to Ayrshire: God's own country! Don't expect a cup of tea from me though if it's a Saturday, i'll be wherever Ayr are playing.

5th out of 10 in the Scottish Second. Played three at home and been humped roundly in every one of them, for which the 'manager' blames the fans 'lack of positivity'. The useless prick. However we are unbeaten away from home, picking up 10 points out of 12. Still shite though. Always have been, always will be. Brechin away tomorrow. Nice little 7 hour round trip on the coach.

Aye, they all say that. Just wait until the little brat is drawing on your walls, shiting on your sofa and telling your parents to "fuck off you old cnuts!" You'll be doing all sorts of things your parents did to you but you swore you'd never inflict on your own kids....

I saw a video once of this bloke getting off a helicopter to go and meet his family. They waved at him, he waved back, the helicopter hadn't taken off yet.....you can imagine the rest....

It reminds me of the team in heart, the tattoo on my shoulder and the obsession of my entire life.

I don't smack my boy because it's too easy. A punishment has to stop them from whining out of self-pity and make them think. Smacking just lets them away with things far too easily. I take away his mystery machine(scooby doo van) and lock his favourite kids channels on the box. That usually makes him think.

I had reheated sweet and sour chicken Hong Kong style for me lunch today because the trout couldn't be bothered making me sandwiches. She needs a right good slap i tell you.

Maybe seeing as it's a Clio the dustcaps were the best thing about it? If you'd had a decent motor maybe they'd have been away with that as well?

Scottish Comedian Of The Year? So that must put you in the top 50,000 in Britain then? If you don't win hang yer head.....we Jocks are a humourless bunch at the best of times.

Noah fails to get a girlfriend for 6 years tbh.