Kitman

Every cloud and all that. I can see why he'd want to get out, he's been a disaster.

BRILLIANT!!!!

Why is this the British media obsessed with health issues? They never cease to tell people what's good for them, according to the fashion of the day.

This. One thousand times this. Mostly because I don't believe that there are two women out there that want a bit of the Fish. Does she arrive today? Both of them after a bit of the fish on a Friday tbh. Fillet O' Fish in a bap?

Like he said. We'll win the league next year

My advice is: 1. Does this bother your conscience? If no then 2. Might you get caught? If yes then 3. Do you care whether you get caught? If no then get stuck in. However you sould consider the alternative scenario: she might just want a bed for the night, you appear stark naked in the night, she freaks out and rats on you to the crazy woman. Your nuts are then removed with a spoon. Personally I couldn't handle the stress involved.

I'm dubious about these sorts of lists. The most important name missing is Joe Kinnear. I guarantee he could take the existing Man Utd side and within the space of 10 games have them in mid table form and looking downwards. I'm sure that the match going lercals can look at individual players and see what they do/don't do well on and off the ball. But I think we have to distinguish between form and talent; I suspect that some of our players are actually rather good but they're playing in a shit team with a shit manager - doesn't make them bad signings necessarily. That goes for someone like Coloccini for instance. Nacho was a terrible signing just because he's been injured virtually all the time he's been with is. Xisco might be a great signing but Kinnear won't play him so who knows. However if we re-signed Ameobi this season then he'd be my pick because he's still with us & contributing less than Nacho - at least the latter isn't taking the place of an adequate player.

I love the way it's always up to some organisation to sort people's problems out for them. Same with booze, food, tabs, drugs, sex etc. Always someone else's fault & someone else's shit to sort out. If Parky wants to enjoy a few beers while he runs on a treadmill high as a kite with his knob stuck in a donut, that's none of the gym's business.

It's all about 'opportunity', making the best of what you have (or haven't), improvising, getting out there. It's not about RAISING your profile, it's about keeping a LOW profile at all times. You'll see what I mean, you don't know how lucky you actually are. This is what I would suggest chap; * Keep your curtains closed 24/7 *Carry out street surveillance. Observe peoples comings and goings, track their movements, times of when they leave the house and return home. Then fcking burgle the joint. Create a route that can get you from A to B in the quickest time and where you are not exposed to humans on the street. People work through the day chap. Take advantage. Target homes that have cat-flaps, easy in, easy out. No smashing of windows either. Start with a few local houses then spread the net. Just take what you think you can sell, quickly and easily. Don't get side-tracked on the job by smearing human excrement on walls or feeling the urge to sniff the occupants knickers or underpants, cuming all over the shop. That's how you will get caught. DNA chap. That's your daytime filled chap. Now for the the night-time * Again, observe houses, movements, plan your route but this time, get fully tooled-up. You never know who's coming down them stairs and what they might be armed with whilst their heart races at 30000 beats per minute. Best you case the joint during the day then maybe rob the place of its contents in the evening just so you know where everything is located in the dark. Don't be AFRAID. That is key. Don't be afraid to club the occupant(s) to death to get what you want. It's dog eat dog chap. What's theirs is, effectively, yours. Remember that. Arm yourself with a crow-bar or an axe. An axe can take a head clean off if you strike correctly. Once you have killed one occupant, you must do the entire household. Make sure you clean the place and REMEMBER, don't panic and fck off just because you have killed a few people. You are there to do a job. Pointless leaving a number of bodies and when yo could have stolen a mobile phone or a few quid. Don't get side-tracked either by getting stuck up the 'stiffs' that you have just done in. That is a real temptation in my book. Like the Beatles said...'It's been a hard days night, and I've been working like a dog'......... Good luck chap. Very helpful advice. You could go places with this.

I know I shouldn't have laughed but that was HILARIOUS

You get taxed to buggery in France, don't you Chez? NZ = top rate of 39% (but no personal allowance).

Reminds me of an incident with Oscar Wilde. He was having a naked water fight with Lord Alfred at a rented house in Oxfordshire when the local parson called round to say hello. Startled parson: "What the hell is going on here?!" Oscar: "It's pure Greek, darling, pure Greek!" Reminds me....Perhaps Bridey Revisited needs another airing at Parky castle. Find it quite moving I does. Jeremy Irons? Or a Chez style "remake" with younger more energetic actors in an *ahem* artistic interpretation?

It's poetry, Jim, but not as we know it.

Reminds me of an incident with Oscar Wilde. He was having a naked water fight with Lord Alfred at a rented house in Oxfordshire when the local parson called round to say hello. Startled parson: "What the hell is going on here?!" Oscar: "It's pure Greek, darling, pure Greek!"

Would make an excellent Bond villain/chat show host. Unfortunately he'd be a bigger star than most of the guests

It's baffling that she's employed by a national paper, her prose is so turgid. 'A not so surprising success'? She's certainly not there for her looks.

Looking a bit like the Joker there

Get on the phone to Terry Waite's agent. Apparently his autobigraphy wasn't much of a read. Monday - chained to the radiator. Tuesday - still chained to the radiator. Wednesday - went to Disneyland. Nah, not really, chained to the radiator again. I must admit I do like this chat show concept. And if they're not entertaining enough they have to saw their foot off Saw stylee to go home.

Get on the phone to Terry Waite's agent. Apparently his autobigraphy wasn't much of a read. Monday - chained to the radiator. Tuesday - still chained to the radiator. Wednesday - went to Disneyland. Nah, not really, chained to the radiator again.

Can't wait to see who he chains to his radiator next. Could be a winning formula for a new chat show

Wait, there are outsiders on here? People from off?

I clocked that one too. What a lizard.

I work from home, tripped on a cable and I fell forward on the desk, was panicking there, I got boxes to prop it up on its side. Aha. At least you didn't have a coffee in your hand.

How do you fall on your keyboard at work? Was strong drink taken?