trophyshy

He should keep his hands to himself.

I was getting off the ferry to France yesterday. With a pram trying to negotiate passing through a sprawling queue. This woman had left her bag on the floor and I was standing patiently waiting for her to move it, or at least herself, so we could pass through. After a second or two she realised this and elected to back away from her bag creating the necessary passage. No words were spoken as they were unnecessary for this banal and innocuous moment. We made our way and once I was a few metres past some lunatic said to me “excuse me, the lady had a bag there!” Ordinarily I’d laugh something this ridiculous off but I’d been cooped up sober with my kids for four hours and was simmering away nicely. I felt Wykiki’s Rage coursing through me. So I turned back toward him and watched his arse drop as I approached. “And?” was about all I could muster through the mist. He immediately started apologising but I wasn’t in the mood for that. “Would you like a fight?” I found myself saying, “because I’ve got two little kids so am up for it”. Fucking hell man. He declined and I felt a tinge of disappointment. The apologies continued. Be kind, or at least neutral, to people with little kids. You never know when some over-tired, under-sexed parent is about to go fucking postal with all the rage they withhold from their little shits. Canny start to the holiday.

How many watched it after a month?

It’s going to be £12 for 500ml of Budweiser, the only booze.

It’s a terrible PR move for the Saudis.

Deliberate by Putin? What a cunt. Still, he who blinks first blinds us all, as my drug-addled grandmother used to say. We’ve had a decent run really. Got far enough to invent VR, Deliveroo and those unbelievably good blowjob machines. Must buy some more batteries.

You can't bottle something until you almost have it, so we will see. You can, however, get glassed at any time.

Why is it unlikely? Arsenal are famed bottlers. We have nothing to lose.

Okay mate, and what are the specials?

Hang them high. History surely will.

Get a border terrier man. Cute as fuck and actually have a personality.

Nah, but I am not ruling it out.

Don't guys me, pal.

We just beat Chelsea with none of those players and we have been improving all season. Transfer window to come. So tish and piffle bonnie lad. IT IS ON.

No one else will pay his wages and most of the footballing world think he is a bellend?

I’m not your pal, buddy.

Looking unlikely. With our rise to the top of the table they’re further away from us than a year ago, despite their promotion.

Havertz dived (far) off the ball from an innocuous collision with Burn, winning a free kick in a dangerous area.

Aye I’ve got some editing skills like. 😅 I think we could lift a trophy this season and it’s fucking weird. This is more potent, more solid and more likely than Keegan’s first stint. Absolutely incredible man. Utterly fearless and rightly so.

He’s quite superstitious isn’t he? He’ll have to take her out every week now.

This game will be won by Joe Willock.

I’m absolutely gagging for a five hour session and then into the ground bladdered to scream and shout for 2 hours. I’ve missed barely being able to see the match. Instead, I’ll be looking after some stupid cunt’s kids all day.

Ready to go postal.