sweetleftpeg

The problem for Keys is he couldn't have delivered the 'do us a favour love' line in any more of a patronising manner. Thing is, they won't come close to getting the sack for this. They're a massive part of the Sky brand, they know it, and I expect the two of them will probably just giggle like kids over a pint together next week.

Reminds of a tale about the Father-in-law when I was going out with the wife. The wife still lived at home and they'd just got telewest in. Her and her mother had been dying to see this film on UK Living called, (I think), 'Who will love my children?' It was basically one of these true life weepy films for split arses. Anyway, it was always on about eleven and the mother wouldn't stay up to watch it, so trying to get into the good books, I set up their video to link it with the cable channel. So, job done, it's all sorted to tape channel 6 which was the cable channel at eleven o'clock. Anyway, next time I go to the house to see wor lass the father-in-law is getting called 'Tuggo'. The wife and mother-in-law sat down to watch it the next day, and after an hour of watching the emotional dilemna of a woman with terminal cancer trying to set up her husband with a perfect surogate mother for her kids, the channel then gets changed and some lass starts getting her tits oot on the Adult Channel freeview! Unbeknownst to father-in-law, horny prospective son-in-law has set up the video to get in the good books so in he comes, not a care in the world, pissed, at five to twelve with the remote in his hand and a gleam in his eye, not knowing the stick he's got coming to him the next day. Ouch!

If I stick to pints, with a full stomach, and at a reasonable pace, I can drink all night. Anything else, wine, spirits, and I'm in the danger zone.

No word of a lie but this actually happened to me in town when I was 14..which was ahem 1994..anyway..I was with my mates going into Eldon Square and this little lad with a couple of lasses randomly threw a punch at me for no reason, missed, and I instinctivly threw a defensive punch back (to be honest, I had no idea what was going on). He fell to the ground, looked at me, looked at the lasses, then got up and ran off. I'm fucking soft as shite as well. Got into a fist fight with some Sheff Wed fans when we were walking into Hillsborough when I was about 18..again a random attack from nowhere..I must have one of those fucking faces. Other than that I've been banged up for SPLITTING a fight up between my two mates when the coppers just randomly grabbed us and hoyed us in the wagon. The only time I've ever offered anyone outside so to speak was in The Trent. I was out for wor lasses 21st but we were just mates at the time. One of the lads she invited had a crush on her and so obviously took a massive dislike to me as he saw me as threat. He got pissed, followed me into the toilets, and threatened me to stay away from her 'or else'. Fucking students. I then totally out of character decided to gamble and play the geordie meathead card as he was a southern student and offered to take him outside and kick the shit out of him. Thankfully he bottled it and ran off, as anyone who has met me from here knows, everything is taller than me and I know who would have had the shit kicked out of them. Looking back though, I reckon he was more pissed than me and I could have taken him. Maybe not..

Make sure you always supply meter readings as well, because the longer you're on estimates the more shit you could find yourself in down the line!

It's the 'Turn left at 国道125号線' where I start to struggle..

Can I just say, after Darren Bent going on and on about moving to a 'massive' club yesterday he's now one of my favourite players.

I don't think anyone is saying Routledge should get a game ahead of Barton, but Barton gets injured or suspended (and let's face it, the later is highly likely) then we're a bit thin on the ground to put someone out there. If I have to suffer the pain of watching Guthrie play out on the right one more time I will start taking hostages at the match.

He has his limitations..the fact he can't cross a ball is an obvious one..but I think this is on the face of it a shite decision. They've either got someone lined up (and surely they should have waited till that was a done deal) or they really do have a lot of faith in Gosling. No pressure then son.

Stop it, it hurts.

He must be really unhappy if he'd rather go to Villa like. I think under Houllier they're an accident waiting to happen. Christ this is funny.

Let's face it, we've been to two small clubs in the past two weeks who can't control their crowd. Actually, that's a bit harsh, Stevenage could fill their gorund.

Thing is, they can't be surprised by this. Bent has been living and socialising 99% of the time in Newcastle anyway. I think the only time he ever sets foot in s*nderland is for home games. It was on the cards to be honest. Doesn't make it any less funnier though.

Throw them out the competition! Actually, make the fuckers play the next round at a neutral venue on the basis they can't control their own fans. I fucking hate Stevenage.

Lionel Richie scored a hat-trick for us on Wednesday night.

Just completed the survey. I basically just said I didn't renew because there was no communication or updates on progress or achievements..and that the olny e-mails I seem to get off them are about pie and pea suppers. Think they're lost their way a bit, but it can still work.

Loads of Local Authorities have put prices up in leaisure centres etc..but if I remember correctly Local Authorities don't pay VAT. So how does that work?

Far more ridiculous than KK coming back here when you think about it as well. Yup. I also think the shit KK got about being out the game too long will also not be aimed at him..the miserable dour fucker.

Petrol station next to work has jumped to £1.28 a litre. Piss poor.

I also thought this was about getting dumped at Christmas. On a similar note, lad I work with has just changed his relationship status on Facebook to 'single.' He's engaged to a lass he's lived with for 8 years. Oh dear.

At my mother-in-laws Christmas do just gone one of the lads got a taxi pissed but capable and realised he'd lost his wallet. Told the Taxi Driver pretty much as soon as he realised and asked if he could get dropped off at his mates who would give him the cash. Taxi driver said fine, then drove him to an industrial estate, stopped the car, and told him he'd have to pay 'in kind.' He managed to leg it and has reported it to the coppers like. I don't know how much of it was a serious and potentially dangerous scenario and how much was it some taxi driver on the wind up - as he knew he'd run and decided it was a wasted journey and a good way to get rid of him.

Sanctioned by our Director of Football..now..who was that again..it's on the tip of my tounge. Oh yeah..Dwarf Cunt.

Genius. Seen Morrisey three times now..brilliant the first time I saw him..sulky and awful the other two times, this includes his gig at the Sage where he refused to come back for an encore as he later said we 'weren't into it'..which if true is only because he was a whiny miserable cunt all night. I always liken Moz to that lass you used to go out with who treated and still does treat you like utter shite and with contept but like a twat you still pine for her..woh..this got deep. Met Andy Rourke and Mike Joyce years ago in a club and they were brilliant, signed my Queen is Dead album and chatted to this drunken buffoon for far longer than they had to. As Monkeys Fist puts it..musically brilliant so who cares about the cuntishness.

The article would seem to imply that it's not Barton instigating the move. If a club really want you to go then a lot of players who are happy and settled, and who could blame them, would say 'fine, fuck you, I know where I'm not wanted.' Ties in with the new club policy of taking someone who's performing well, getting rid of them, and replacing them with someone from League 1...

As sadly predicted by myself, the Vipers moving out of the Arena into Whitley Bay looks like being the death knell for them. Bottom of the league, losing money hand over fist with an owner now wanting out and propping them up week to week. We had 1,000 at the game at the weekend..well..not really..about 300 of them were tickets bought by other clubs to help with the financial situation. Performances and results have actually picked up since they announced they were in the financial shite actually which is the weird thing. The plan was to hole up in Whitley until the new rink was built at Gateshead stadium..alas my second sad prediction is that with pissing about and financial cuts they'll run out of time and I don't expect them to see out the season to be honest...