Christmas Tree 3997 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 3997 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Just that one about Ameobi on the bus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 A man was in his local Chop Suey take away when he asked the bloke behind the counter "Do you have Chinese Jews?" The bloke goes out the back then comes back after a few minutes and replies "I'm sowwy, we only have apple jews and orange jews" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 A man was in his local Chop Suey take away when he asked the bloke behind the counter "Do you have Chinese Jews?" The bloke goes out the back then comes back after a few minutes and replies "I'm sowwy, we only have apple jews and orange jews" A Chinese woman is having trouble with her eyes, so she goes to see an optician. The optician looks in her eyes. The Chinese woman says, "What is the matter doctor?" The doctor says, "You have a cataract." The Chinese woman looks astounded and says "No NO I have a Rincon Continental." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 26441 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) A bin man is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn't have a wheelie-bin outside. So he goes to the door and knocks. After a few minutes a Chinese man comes to the door. "Where's your bin?", the bin man asks. "I bin upstairs", the Chinese man replies. "No! Where's your BIN?", he says. "I bin upstairs havin' a shit", the guy says. "NO! WHERE'S YOUR WHEELIE-BIN?", he continues. The old man thinks for a minute then says: "OK, you got me. I was having a wank." Edited January 19, 2010 by ewerk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6434 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 My grandparents are called Pearl and Dean. But I prefer to call them Grandma and Grand-pa pa-pa pa-pa pa pa-paaaa..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 3997 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?" The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbyshinton 59 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Nearly all of these have been posted years ago. Youngens of today I'm tempted to Smeeagain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Just got my new Toyota Prius. Lovely drive. Very economical. Anyway, can't stop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Two dyslexics walk into a bra... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I got mugged last night when four big bastards kicked the shit out of me. Against the odds I managed to knock one out..... Probably not the best time for a wank, but it could have been my last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I got mugged last night when four big bastards kicked the shit out of me. Against the odds I managed to knock one out..... Probably not the best time for a wank, but it could have been my last. Not bad for you Craig. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Q. Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella? A. Fo drizzle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I got hit by a rental car today. Fucking Hertz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Barrack Road Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Harvey: Mummy, Mummy can I lick the bowl? Jordan: No son just flush like everyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbyshinton 59 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) what is the difference between a catholic priest and acne? . . . . . . . . . . Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face. Edited March 31, 2010 by bobbyshinton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are sitting at a table in a pub, each with a pint in front of them. Out of nowhere, three flies come buzzing in, and one lands in each of the three drinks. The Englishman wrinkles his nose in disgust and pushes the glass away. The Irishman picks up the fly, tosses it away, and resumes drinking. The Scotsman picks up the fly and yells "SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 3997 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are sitting at a table in a pub, each with a pint in front of them. Out of nowhere, three flies come buzzing in, and one lands in each of the three drinks. The Englishman wrinkles his nose in disgust and pushes the glass away. The Irishman picks up the fly, tosses it away, and resumes drinking. The Scotsman picks up the fly and yells "SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Barrack Road Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are sitting at a table in a pub, each with a pint in front of them. Out of nowhere, three flies come buzzing in, and one lands in each of the three drinks. The Englishman wrinkles his nose in disgust and pushes the glass away. The Irishman picks up the fly, tosses it away, and resumes drinking. The Scotsman picks up the fly and yells "SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Carr's Gloves 3206 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says "here we have a whisky named after you. The horse replies "you have a whisky named Jester"? How do you annoy Lady Gaga? Poke her face. Edited March 31, 2010 by Kevin Carr's Gloves Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Geordie walks up to the bar and says to the barman, "£10 says I can hit a bullseye on that dartboard 5 times in a row." Since it was a slow night and the barman was bored, he took him up on it. Geordie hits the bullseye 5 times and says, "Let's make it interesting. I'll bet you £100 I can hit the bullseye 10 times in a row." The barman knows he can't lose this one, so he takes him up on it, but damned if Geordie doesn't hit the bullseye 10 times in a row. Seeing that the barman is annoyed and dejected now, Geordie says, "Ok, one more. £500 says that you can send a shot glass sliding down the bar and I ran run along side it and piss in it without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar." The barman stares at him in disbelief, but hesitates because of Geordie's track record thus far. Still, this particular feat seems impossible, so he takes him up on it. The shot glass slides down the bar and Geordie runs beside it, pissing all over the bar and not getting a single drop in the glass. The barman whoops and hollers as Geordie ponies up the £500. Suddenly, on the other side of the room, another guy yells "FUCK!", knocks a table over, and storms out. "What's his problem?" the barman, now £500 richer, asks. Geordie smiles and says, "I bet him £5,000 that I could piss all over the bar and make the barman happy about it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holden McGroin 4892 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Geordie walks up to the bar and says to the barman, "£10 says I can hit a bullseye on that dartboard 5 times in a row." Since it was a slow night and the barman was bored, he took him up on it. Geordie hits the bullseye 5 times and says, "Let's make it interesting. I'll bet you £100 I can hit the bullseye 10 times in a row." The barman knows he can't lose this one, so he takes him up on it, but damned if Geordie doesn't hit the bullseye 10 times in a row. Seeing that the barman is annoyed and dejected now, Geordie says, "Ok, one more. £500 says that you can send a shot glass sliding down the bar and I ran run along side it and piss in it without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar." The barman stares at him in disbelief, but hesitates because of Geordie's track record thus far. Still, this particular feat seems impossible, so he takes him up on it. The shot glass slides down the bar and Geordie runs beside it, pissing all over the bar and not getting a single drop in the glass. The barman whoops and hollers as Geordie ponies up the £500. Suddenly, on the other side of the room, another guy yells "FUCK!", knocks a table over, and storms out. "What's his problem?" the barman, now £500 richer, asks. Geordie smiles and says, "I bet him £5,000 that I could piss all over the bar and make the barman happy about it." Older than life itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Tarantino told that one in Desperado. Fifteen years ago. Textbook Craig. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 There was no requirement on them being 'new' material tbf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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