WubbleUC 0 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are sitting at a table in a pub, each with a pint in front of them. Out of nowhere, three flies come buzzing in, and one lands in each of the three drinks. The Englishman wrinkles his nose in disgust and pushes the glass away. The Irishman picks up the fly, tosses it away, and resumes drinking. The Scotsman picks up the fly and yells "SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!" Which brings us nicely onto.. What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Canoe? A Canoe tips. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 What do you call a Chinese woman with a Kenwood chef on her head? Blenda.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Who are the most decent workers in a hospital? The ultrasound people. A dog goes into a Screwfix store and says: "I'd like a job please". The store manager says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber" A Yorkshire/American walks into a German car dealership and says: 'owdy Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman goes "Get out you're bard! What do you call a man wearing a long coat, who walks though a graveyard at night? Max Bygraves Went to a seafood disco the other night, ...... Pulled a muscle What did the slug say to the snail? Big Issue? David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now one." His agent replies "Sure! No hassle." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6308 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Paddy goes to the vets carrying his goldfish in its bowl. When it's his turn, Paddy goes into the consultation room and proudly places the bowl on the table. The vet asks "So what's wrong Paddy?" Paddy replies "see this Goldfish here..... it's got epilepsy" The vet crouches down and observes the fish swimming quite ordinarily around his bowl. "Seems alright to me Paddy, what makes you think he's got epilepsy?" "Oh aye...." said Paddy "he's alright now, but just look what happens when I take him for a walk!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Art lover walks into a bar and sees Van Gogh having a pint. He asks Vincent if he would like a drink Van Gogh says " No ,thanks, I've got one 'ere." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 3997 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Art lover walks into a bar and sees Van Gogh having a pint.He asks Vincent if he would like a drink Van Gogh says " No ,thanks, I've got one 'ere." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I went to a postcard factory the other day. It was nothing to write home about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jusoda Kid 1 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Jordan has asked Cheryl Cole to do her baby sitting from now on as she has the most experience in dealing with an embarrassing black cunt with wandering eyes. Might need moved to the Bad taste thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 An eskimo's snowmobile breaks down so he takes it to the garage. Looks like you've blown a seal says the mechanic. No, says the eskimo, It's just frost on my moustache. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins in Newcastle today. It was a turtle disaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Jordan has asked Cheryl Cole to do her baby sitting from now on as she has the most experience in dealing with an embarrassing black cunt with wandering eyes. Might need moved to the Bad taste thread. oh dear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Got 2 canaries for the price of one today they were going cheap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jusoda Kid 1 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Jordan has asked Cheryl Cole to do her baby sitting from now on as she has the most experience in dealing with an embarrassing black cunt with wandering eyes. Might need moved to the Bad taste thread. oh dear. Fucking disgraceful isn't it? Just swapped my bed for a trampoline, I'm expecting wor lass to hit the roof. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Besty 4 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Jordan has asked Cheryl Cole to do her baby sitting from now on as she has the most experience in dealing with an embarrassing black cunt with wandering eyes. Might need moved to the Bad taste thread. oh dear. Fucking disgraceful isn't it? Just swapped my bed for a trampoline, I'm expecting wor lass to hit the roof. I love shit jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 How many Skunks does it take to change a lightbulb? A phew. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6434 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0 Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg. like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welsh Magpie 0 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 a family are driving behind a rubbish truck when a dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. to protect her young sons innocence the mother says. "what a big insect that was" her young son replies: "im suprised it could fly with a cock like that". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cid_MCDP 0 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic wardenshouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!' That's fantastic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6434 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 a family are driving behind a rubbish truck when a dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.to protect her young sons innocence the mother says. "what a big insect that was" her young son replies: "im suprised it could fly with a cock like that". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbyshinton 59 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 I was in the Costa Coffee yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my wind with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38804 Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 I've been stood behind my car for over 5 hours now, fucking exhausted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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