Jump to content

if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
 Share

Recommended Posts

46 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said:

"Do you have any weaknesses?" 

 

"I sometimes let myself down in interviews." 

 

"Don't worry, you're doing ok." 

 

"You would think that, you're a fucking idiot."

 

43 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said:

"Any weaknesses?"

 

"Sometimes I can be a bit too honest."

 

"I don't think you can ever be too honest."

 

"I couldn't give a fuck what you think."

Good luck with your new job interviews :smile:

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I woke up suddenly last night , screaming 

“ Jesus tittyfucking Christ! My arsehole’s on fire!!”

Mrs. F. said 

“ Ring Sting?”

I said, through clenched teeth

” Ok, what’s his number?”

Super Troopers Police GIF

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bloke newly joined the French foreign legion has a chat with his sergeant:

 

New Soldier: "Sergeant, there's nothing for miles but sand, what the fuck are you supposed to do for a shag?"

 

Sergeant: "Don't worry, we've thought about stuff like this, go to shed number six across the way, there's a camel in there. I'll book you in for seven o'clock tomorrow."

 

Five past seven the next night the sergeant walks by shed number six and looks in and there's the new recruit giving it six nowt to the camel up it's arse.

 

Sergeant: "What are you fucking doing? You fucking dirty bastard! Why didn't you ride it into town like the rest of the lads?"

 

maxresdefault.jpg

 

 

 

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since we’re doing ancient ones…

 

King George makes a secret visit to the field hospitals in North Africa during WWII, as a moral boost for the Tommies. 
 

He walks up to the first lad in his bed and asks why he’s in. 
“ Haemorrhoids, Sir” says the lad. 
“ And what’s the treatment for that?” says The King. 
“ Wire brush and Dettol, Sir!” says the lad. 
“ Anything I can do for you?” Says Georgie

” No Sir, I’m being well looked after.”


Next lad, same crack

” And what are you I for, my man?”

” Gonorrhea, Sir. “ 

“ Oh… what’s the treatment for that ?”

” Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.”

” Anything I can do for you, my man?”

” No Sir, I’m very well cared for”

 

Third lad

” At ease, soldier.  What are you in for?” Says wor King Geordie. 
“ Bleeding gums Sir”

” And how’s that treated?”

” Wire brush and Dettol, Sir” 

“ Anything I can do for you, Private?”

” Yes sir, there is …”

” Name it my good man “

” Can you put my name at the top of the treatment list?”

 

9z2_Sm.gif

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Since we’re doing ancient ones…

 

King George makes a secret visit to the field hospitals in North Africa during WWII, as a moral boost for the Tommies. 
 

He walks up to the first lad in his bed and asks why he’s in. 
“ Haemorrhoids, Sir” says the lad. 
“ And what’s the treatment for that?” says The King. 
“ Wire brush and Dettol, Sir!” says the lad. 
“ Anything I can do for you?” Says Georgie

” No Sir, I’m being well looked after.”


Next lad, same crack

” And what are you I for, my man?”

” Gonorrhea, Sir. “ 

“ Oh… what’s the treatment for that ?”

” Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.”

” Anything I can do for you, my man?”

” No Sir, I’m very well cared for”

 

Third lad

” At ease, soldier.  What are you in for?” Says wor King Geordie. 
“ Bleeding gums Sir”

” And how’s that treated?”

” Wire brush and Dettol, Sir” 

“ Anything I can do for you, Private?”

” Yes sir, there is …”

” Name it my good man “

” Can you put my name at the top of the treatment list?”

 

9z2_Sm.gif

 

Old as the hills! :lol:

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It’s business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life.

“Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?”

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

“For my third wish – and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up – I asked for an orange for a head.”

  • Haha 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.