Dazzler 6416 Posted May 23 Share Posted May 23 11 minutes ago, wykikitoon said: Have you heard about the non-binary gold prospector? They dug up gold in them/their hills 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2338 Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’ This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’! 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 17545 Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 2 minutes ago, Tdansmith said: A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’ This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 9382 Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 5 minutes ago, Tdansmith said: A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’ This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazzler 6416 Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 1 hour ago, Tdansmith said: A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’ This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 20312 Posted May 24 Author Share Posted May 24 On 21/05/2024 at 22:01, Monkeys Fist said: A new trattoria has opened near me, run by an Italian American lad from New York. We went the other night and it was excellent, but the portions were mental and we couldn’t finish even half of our dishes. The gaffer, Mario, asked ” Ho- you wanna box for them leftovers?” I said ” No mate, I don’t do combat sports”. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2338 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…” The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 10265 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 28442 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 56 minutes ago, Tdansmith said: A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…” The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.” 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 17545 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 1 hour ago, Tdansmith said: A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…” The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazzler 6416 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 2 hours ago, Tdansmith said: A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…” The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.” 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2338 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam? I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert. Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaddockLad 15123 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 5 hours ago, Tdansmith said: A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…” The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.” 3 minutes ago, Tdansmith said: Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam? I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert. Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2338 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father. During World War II, a beautiful woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic. The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with certain favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39420 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 5 hours ago, Tdansmith said: A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…” The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.” 12 minutes ago, Tdansmith said: Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam? I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert. Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. 7 minutes ago, Tdansmith said: An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father. During World War II, a beautiful woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic. The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with certain favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wardi 110 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 True Story.. many years ago I was in a bar where they were holding an Elvis impersonator contest. One of the contestants did look remarkably like Elvis but only had one leg. He announced his signature song as 'Blue Suede Shoe'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2338 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 "Beware Of Dandelions? That's a stupid sign," I said, climbing over the fence. Soon after I was mauled by four big cats wearing top hats and monocles 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrRaspberryJam 435 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 Anyone got any decent jokes? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Carr's Gloves 3360 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 1 hour ago, MrRaspberryJam said: Anyone got any decent jokes? Doesn’t look like it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharp 39 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 I met a woman who runs a battery kiosk in the local park. So basically she sells C cells by the seesaw. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9761 Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 4 hours ago, Sharp said: I met a woman who runs a battery kiosk in the local park. So basically she sells C cells by the seesaw. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9761 Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 7 hours ago, Tdansmith said: Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam? I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert. Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 9761 Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 7 hours ago, Tdansmith said: "Beware Of Dandelions? That's a stupid sign," I said, climbing over the fence. Soon after I was mauled by four big cats wearing top hats and monocles 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 10265 Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 10 hours ago, Tdansmith said: Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam? I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert. Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39420 Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 What was Whitney Houston’s favourite kind of coordination? Haaaaaaaaand Eyyyyyyyyyyyye! Thank you , and… 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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