Howmanheyman

I've got all of girls alouds names tattooed around my hondacracka area and not one of the ungrateful bitches have give me a nosh yet. Bad crack in my opinion.

This quality player we bought on the cheap appears to be faulty. If only this were like sports direct where we could return him for a full refund with no hassle at all.

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-improved-alan-pardews-exit-8604291? Jesus Christ on a bicycle, where to start? Five questions on his mind, not just any questions, 'Burning' ones. And here they are....... 1. Have Newcastle improved or declined since Pardew’s exit? 2. Is it time to unleash the players that Pardew didn’t see eye to eye with on Wednesday night? 3. Should Mehdi Abeid be handed a start in the engine room against Palace or should Carver stick with Anita and Colback? 4. Should John Carver axe Remy Cabella after bottle-gate :lol: in the dugout? 5. Which fans will be loudest at Selhurst Park? :lol: (Bit disappointed he never made any suggestions for what songs both sets of fans could be singing).

Can't blame Stevie for that, everyone else has 'shoulders like pigeons' by comparison.

Saw his interview on Sky on the saturday show. Outrageously toeing the party line about not giving a flying fuck about comings and goings, he didn't 'fank' Mike but he was at least as bad as Pardew in knowing his place. We really do have Pygmies in a lot of the positions of 'power' [sic] at the present time under this owner. He's doing his level best in his audition. I showed more ambition the last time I put the lottery on.

Funny, I thought Sissoko and Anita were shite.

Not exactly a newsflash but we need a new owner and a new direction. Why do we just plod on with the same shit? How the fuck is Williamson still at this club amd playing games? How are we in a similar sleepwalk to the end of the season again?

I am enjoying the little things, wasn't many today. Very, very frustrating when you're winning with the end in sight and you can't fucking pass to a fellow professional instead of continually giving away possession with little pressure on. They were there for the taking more than normal and we were mostly shit and spectacularly wasteful with the ball. I didn't enjoy that game whatsoever.

You enjoyed that?

Even krul humping ball up instead of keeping possession. Utter utter shit.

Our possession has been garbage. Sissoko especially.

Think that was the only home game I missed that year due to fucking my back on the astroturf at Wallsend Sports Centre. (Maradona wasn't the only skillful genius that had to put up with rough tackles!)

A real crunch game for Pardew during the week, a game he'll be dying to win. Hope he has the same result as he did for us in the big games then.

I wouldn't say it's difficult, to be fair. I'd say it's more complicated.

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 05/02/2015 Well diary, let's just say ah'm not breaking the official secrets act when ah tell you ah'm known as the Chronicle Casanova. Christmas do's at the old George are the stuff of Thomson House legend and Ryder always features well up the premier table. But......but......sure ah could tap up a starstruck bit of raggy in City Vaults with promises of meeting North East stars like Denise Welch, Pam Royale and Joe McEldery through my contacts in the Thomson House showbiz section, that would be easy, but.....but.......Ryder can't get a fellow media PR person out of his mind. The Anglo-Italian Fanny Rat, (Me Auntie Joyce married an Eyetie in the seventies) has been hit by cupids arrow and ah'm struggling to think of anyone else at the minute. Ah was coming out of a presser at the cathedral on the hill after arranging an exclusive interview with 'Iron Mike' Williamson which ah knew ma loyal readers would be fucking chomping at the bit to read about, it was to be a five year celebration of the man the Toon Army 'loved more than he could know' as the terrace ditty went, one time at Palace away. Anyways, ah was on me way out when ah bumped into her on the steps outside, near to THAT place where the man who sung 'Head over Heels' once fronted out a meeting with desperate Toon Army soldiers wanting to know why Goal King Cole had been sold to rivals Man Utd. Ah said Hi to Wendy and she replied in a voice that sounded like an Angel, "Hi, Lee! Nice to see you back! Lee Charnley is really happy with your stuff since you got back onside with the club! In fact I heard Peter Beardsley say he hadn't seen the club get such an easy ride from the Chronicle for years and he goes back to the days of whoever Alan Oliver was!" Wow!!! Praise from a Legend and praise from my PR Angel, Wendy! King Kev was brave on these hallowed concrete steps once upon a time and Ryder was about to follow in the Messiah's footsteps. Ah was about to chance me arm again. "Err, thanks Wendy, it's all in a days work, y'knaa. Giving the punters what they want, me and you, we understand that, Wendy. We knaa the dance, like. Ah sometimes think, well, y'knaa, me and you, we share this crazy world where everyone wants to know about Newcastle United. We live it every day, Wendy. Ah think that, well, mebbee, we could, y'knaa, with both being in this mad NUFC world, mebbees we could........." Just then a 4x4 Jeep pulls up and someone shouts out to Wendy that they're going to be late for dinner. It's a blokie! Wendy answers, "Hang on a minute Babe, won't be long." and with that she turns away and climbs into his jeep. Later on in the house ah can't believe how ah feel. Ah feel like ah've took a dig off the biggest radgie ah ever saw at an away game, ah'm winded here, like. with one hand on me whisky bottle ah get up and head for me CD rack. Me old faithful CD rack bought from PineWorld in the MetroCentre in 1994. ah don't even stop to look at what's on the Ryder playlist tonight. There can be only one CD tonight in this mood. There's definitely no jacket required as ah put on me old mate Phil on the CD player. How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh You're the only one who really knew me at all How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears You're the only one who really knew me at all So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face As ah listen to Phill pour his heart out all ah see is Wendy walking away from me and jumping into her Lads Jeep. Ah swallow the last of me Whisky from the bottle and turn the CD off. Ah can't believe how me stomach feels, like it's all twisted in knots. Ah think it's going to be hard sleeping when Wendy's all I can think of. It's eaten me up. Just then something sharp digs into me back. Ah takes a look and it turns out to be a DVD and not only any DVD but 'Budapest Babes auditions, Vol VIII'. Fucking Jackpot! Cockeyed Mala lent iz it a few weeks ago, it was a bit of Frankie Vaughan he bought when he went on that stag do in Prague. It was a thank you prezzie for arranging a drink with Pav ah sorted oot for him and his mates! Ah'd stuffed it doon the settee when me Ma popped round unexpextan, unexpexctant, completely by surprise! Anyways, ah'd been looking all over for it and before you could could say, 'Why's there a white snot on that dirty sock?' ah was cheered up and completely forgetting about Jeeps, PR lasses and Phil Collins iconic hit album. You canni keep a good Journalist down, we're just too resilient, especially us award winning ones. Anyways, later, diary, ah think there's still some lead in the old pencil for scene 4. lolz. Laters.

Sussed at last!

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-uniteds-mike-williamson-made-8576393? Newcastle United's Mike Williamson has made it to five years at St James' Park - something few do

The very best of luck to them although, unfortunately, Ashley isn't the only cunt out there taking the piss out of HARDWORKING TAXPAYERS, wibble, wibble. (funny how that phrase is never used in conjunction with stories like this but only in 'scrounger' stories brought to you by the very best Murdoch has to offer from his media empire.)

Me too. Therefore....... 'Splash'