Howmanheyman

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 03/04/2015 Alreet diary? All the punters who follow this crazy club of ours, the ones with black & white passion coursing through their bloodstreams know that the weekend brings up THE game of the season with our nearest and not so dearest down the road in red & white territory. But it's just the fans who care not the poncy players and managers riding about in their porsches and ferraris, right? Wrong. Today ah had a bell off Carvs who proposed a bit of mooch, mewtewa, err wanted to help both him and me. Ah gets down to Benton and am lead down the corridor to help build up the derby and get Geordie boy, coach Carvs, some more exposure to get the Toon number one role as it's not only what my loyal readers want but also helps me out with filling me back page as me and Carvs are fucking cush and ah've always got a quote on tap off The man who would be King. Anyways, as ah'm getting closer to his office ah hears a lot of groans and sounds of someone in discomfort. There were lots of heaving and shouting going on as keeping coach 'Wooders' Woodman and centre half colossus, 'Iron' Mike 'Willo' Wlliamson were trying to shoehorn Coach Carvs into some sort of corset. Ah hung back and looked through a crack in the door to see the real goings on at HQ NUFC when they thought nobody was watching. Willo was straining to zip the corset up while Wooders was forcing Carvs chest down with his puma football booted right foot. Wooders shouted, "Quick Iron man! get it zipped for facksake! his chest is swelling to fackin' dangerous proportions here, san!" Willo was trying his hardest but was clearly struggling as his hands were daintily moving the zip up at a slow rate. "Howay, Willo, bonny lad, ah divvent think me chest is ganna last much longer, kidda! Hurry up, man Ah'm nearly fucking gone here! Me chest is bursting with that much Geordie pride ah think ah'm ganna bust me gut here!" Carvs said as they finally managed to contain his swollen chest by getting the zip up to one last torturous gasp from Geordie John. 'Fuck me', ah thought, look at the sacrifices this man was giving to HIS club. Ah then went in as if ah'd nee idea he was wearing a corset and got a few quotes from the head coach about us matching their determination and getting fucking stuck in. Ah knew forran absolute fact me loyal readers would fucking lap that shit right up, it was just what they wanted to hear after those derby defeats and it was going to be yours truly who brought it to them via the powers of modern media. Until later, Ryder and out!

Grown men talking about football strips! /Gemmill

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/john-carver-bursting-pride-derby-8975664? 'Sir Bobby Robson' - Check 'Geordie' - Check 'North-East born' - Check 'Pride' - Check Not bad going for under 50 words.

It looks the same as the one two seasons ago tbh.

'Carver pledges Newcastle will match Sunderland's derby intensity - and promises a couple of surprises in the build-up' http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/sport/football/newcastle/12870617._/? Seems to me the ones who make the biggest song and dance about this game, the ones who seem the most desperate to win, tend to lose. Pardew had the look of Bruce in these games and not sure if there's much separating Carver and Pardew. (That's without the brutal and deliberate weakening of our team). How the fuck we've come to dread games against a side as shit as Sunderland have been these couple of years defies belief, at least when we were routinely beating them they could say we were beaten by a good side fighting for CL football.

Used to be a young'un drank in the Percy post match who ALWAYS had that shirt on. The V neck seemed to stop at his belly button.

Bitter-Sweet mood. Off work for a week but have moving about to do and decorating Living room and dining room in that week. AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

Bought this shirt recently, minus the sponsor. Think the last time I bought a 'current' shirt was probably the NTL one in 2001?

Fucking about? Having a carry on? The crack? Pissing about?

Shite as usual, could be worse, should be better.

Sunderland, where the excitement never starts. (The Sunderland echo has form for this type of shite, mind. Makes the Chronicle look half professional)

1-0 Italia. Nice header by Pelle despite a valiant effort by Phil Jones to stop the cross.

He says they're just like scousers moaning just cos they had a hard time of it a few years ago. He also approached Jackie Mason in a comedy club for an autograph and some comedy tips but was put out when the Jewish comedian said, 'nice pen, shame about the blazer, my friend.'

Take no notice. Fish is just an adopted London snob who's just jealous because he has to pay 3/4's of his wages to live in a broom cupboard of a two bedroomed flat near Brixton which his landlord charges a supplement for as he won't share the cupboard.

Not the first thread they've had about which bars we're going to try and take. They then get outraged about which bars we'll not get in and argue among themselves nominating bars we might get in and getting their knickers in a twist over their own made up Mag rumours.

OJ Simpson didn't get away with as much murder as fucking Mourinho does.

England games, man. Shit commentary, 'Turin, scene of England glory with Michael Caine' shit background songs from Ingurland fans, 'cheer up Gordon Strachan'? Ian Wright, moon face Dixon, Andy Townsend etc.

They don't bitch, whine, moan and cheat, then?

I hope you're right, Parky.

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 31/03/2015 Well, just when it goes quiet around the roller coaster ride of NUFC then along comes a derby, the financial results and an unexpected interview with a Toon legend. Ah was nipping into Gosforth for a lunch time special chinkees at Poons which Eddie Eats had recommended to me the other day in the Thomson house bait room. It's not often that the fat cunt turns his nose up at any kind of bait but even he seemed to be drooling at their Hot & Spicy Chicken with Chilli & Sesame Oil with a portion of fried rice and prawn crackers. She-who-must-be-fed, (or Mrs Eats to you and me), had Sweet & Sour King Prawns. Ah was obviously going to ask for mine to have extra chilli on as the Ryder has everything extra hot on account of not being a puff. Anyways, as ah was walking down Gossy High street ah heard a Spanish sounding voice say, "No! It's NOL-berto SOL-ano, not NOR-berto SOR-ano" to a confused looking fan who couldn't pronounce Nobby's moniker. Right enough, it was our old trumpet playing Peruvian hero of yesteryear. "How! Nobby!" ah shouted ower the road. "Can ah have a quick chat, mate? It's Lee! Lee Ryder of the Chronicle! You remember me, mate?" Nobby said aye he did and agreed to have a quick chat, ah quickly said ah'd get to the other side of the road but Nobby said ah was already ON the other side of the road before chuckling to himself. Great craic as ever from the Nobmeister. He ended up going into Poons with me but just had a bottle of Tsingtao beer as he'd already had dinner. Ah was halfway through me scran when Nobby said the Toon would have to spend the new profits they'd announced on players as the team was "leetle bit sheet, Senor Ryder". Ah'd completely missed the news about the profits but Peru's finest export was filling me in on the details which yet again just showed how vital it was having the right contacts and one of the reasons some of us won journalistic awards and some of us named Cameron, Edwards or Caulkin, err, didn't, lol. Ah quickly buzzed Cams when ah went forra piss and he confirmed the story and said he was going to do piece on it whilst ah telt him ah'd get the legends take on it as well making up a 'five players we can buy with the £18M' write up. Poor Cams would get the boring accountant stuff, ah'd get the Legend/player speculation story which ah knew forra fact me loyal readers would lap up far more than the Maths geek shite Cams was getting stuck with. Fuck me diary, ah was only going forra chinkees yet ah got an unexpected NUFC gold plated story handed on a fine China plate! Ah was ganna do a piece on derbies of the past and give Micky Quinn a bell for some quotes but as ah was ahead of the game ah thought ah'd save it for the morra and head off down the club instead forra a few post scran bevvies and a game of Jimmy Juker instead, aye diary, up there for thinking, doon there for dancing! The boy Ryder, keeping one step firmly ahead of the rest! Laters.

A thread on how it will be chaos on sunday with Mags everywhere. Then one saying they (i.e. us) used to do as we pleased a few years ago at Roker. Then they start to argue amongst themselves with one or two telling of Mags in their end and small skirmishes and others saying it never happened. (It did). If you ever want cheered up go on RTG.

CT would be a shoe-in for this if he ever applied or went for an audition.

No he won't.

Hands up! If you use right Garde, hands down if you don't.