bobbyshinton

A Mackem is visiting Newcastle. This is his first time to a city, he wants to see Saint James park. Unfortunately, he can't find it, so he asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the Makcem says, "How do I get to Saint james park?" The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 33 bus. It'll take you right there." The Mackem thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the Mackem is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to Saint James park, I said to wait here for the number 33 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The Mackem says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 32nd bus just went by!"

Riddle Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowjob by a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . DON'T LOOK DOWN

Smeeagain This bloke starts a thread............................................

Over the moon we got rid of the bastard.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "SCARF!"

I thank you

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" he asked. "Terrific, wonderful menus." says the old man. "And the nursing?" inquired the young man. "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock, they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving my 85-year-old grandfather Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Reality check, some Muslims are good some are bastards. Jews ditto christians ditto

Fucking foreign aren't they, unless they are in Mexico What accent do you say the joke in then? foreign

Fucking foreign aren't they, unless they are in Mexico

sorry

have a good one

Ta mate same to you. It's funny if you do the accents

Two French foreign legionnaires are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet" "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget" "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that ..Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree" "Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree... Ees Ees Wait for it! Ees Ees Eees a Ham Bush.

1 in every 2 PL starts at Spurs iirc. A tad overrated though, I agree. Better allround player than Martins though. I wouldn't be too fussed in Owen left instead of Martins were Defoe to come though as I think he's nowhere near the player he was. Agree

I've only had it once. 'Proper' 'flu. Lost about a stone and I was only about 11 stone back then. Could do with a dose now tbh. Fatty

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says "Yes father, it's me." The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?" Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat." Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."

Woor lass off the day dying

In your opinion. My opinion is sack the bastard.

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and £1874.25. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered: . . . . . . . .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Whenever the box filled with empties, I tok them to the recycling depot and cashed them in."

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed to the Pakistani man threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming; . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

ta. i like to set a standard

A frog goes into a bank and approaches a teller. Her nameplate says Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything that he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into the back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, wants to borrow £30,000, and wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says: . . . . . . . . "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

good eh

A termite walks into a bar and asks, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."Is the bar tender here?"