catmag

via Twitter.. "You can book Geoff Shreeves to visit your local Primary School around Christmas, he will gladly inform the children there is no Santa Claus.."

How can Ivanovic NOT know that card meant he misses the final. Seriously, I know they're all wrapped in fucking cotton wool but surely!!

Yes it is. It's also shit to think that the headlines will not now be "Terry is a fucking arsehole" which is kind of disappointing. At least he won't play..

If Chelsea win the CL and we finish 4th, we'll only be in the Europa, but we'll still be there.

You've got to be fucking kidding me!! Torres...

I love that official excuse ""Errr, well Sanchez timed his run to a point where I had no choice but to clatter into the back of him and knee him up the hoop!" "Oh and I've been a really good boy this season man, I haven't crippled anyone, spat at anyone, shagged anyone's missus or worn a pink shirt on a night out. It's just not FAIR!"

Penalty. I love football

Really? "Nah, don't be daft - that's Wayne's missus. He wouldn't shag her behind his fiancees back!"

Wow! What a goal

Nope, the sly little shit thought he was being clever but was clocked by the linesman kneeing Sanchez in the back. Turrah John!

Couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke. Fucking arsehole. Game on!

Bridget subsequently described their discussions as "unusual"

A friend of mine has got a little girl who goes to an English, Catholic school. Apparently the kids were all encouraged to dress up and had a party for St Patrick's day but they had nothing at all yesterday.

"Jesus Loves You" A comforting thing to read outside of a church, but not so much to hear in a Mexican prison...

Booooo I'm sorry it lost. You'll have to watch Arsenal now..

Down in the dumps. Have got a poorly baby and it took me 5hrs to get back from Manc yesterday. Fab weekend though..

And yet you look so much like him!

I'm in Manchester for Ria's 'thank you' ball. She says thank you to you all..

Strada is canny for Italian too.

I know that they're not the lyrics but instead of "Moves like Jagger" all I hear in my head is "Moobs like Jagger....."

This time next week I'll be back in Manchester for the first time in ages, catching up with lots of lovely people from various different areas of my life

Sounds very dodgy!

Of course they did, dear

Why were you looking for Veet on Amazon in the first place?

I genuinely don't know what tone to read that in, Deaderz Is it sarcastic, is it heartfelt? GIve me a clue??