Ayatollah Hermione

Look, you. This not rating your chances about playing England is twice as unnerving as it would be if you were confident. Pack it in.

Aye, that sort of buffoonery will only agitate the Germans

I really hope we don't fuck it up tomorrow

Aye, Xhaka is going to smash it over after Pogba scores an insufferable panenka

Here comes Schar on save the day for the pens

A vintage day of soccer. As if the sport itself is letting Wimbledon know who the daddy is.

Hope that penalty taker gets kicked all over when they get home

Hot damn, I’m stuffed from gorging on this feast that Croatia and Spain have served up!!

He only called it “Tears in Heaven” because “Fortunate Son” was taken

Well, not with that attitude we won’t

This tournament has Belgium vs England in the final all over it

The length of time it takes the English lot to check VAR compared to everyone else

Some of that defending was Sunday League standard. Quite like Denmark though; graft their bollocks off but have a bit of quality when they need it. Could see them getting past the Dutch in the quarters

This Welsh keeper is kicking like he's got his feet on back to front. Have we sent Steve Harper to Wales on loan?

All of these memes definitely originated within the Tory government to speed up everyone forgetting the actual gravity of it all btw. You can tell because none of them contain any humour whatsoever.

Straight in for a feel of the arse. Classic virgin behaviour

Never mind. Granted, he is much better when his teams attack

Sterling starting again ffs. It’s like Pardew and Gouffran with this dickhead

This third place caper is a complete fuck-on, mind. I know FIFA and UEFA have a compulsive urge to bloat their tournaments beyond all reasonable doubt but Switzerland shouldn't be hitting any knockout stages just because they knocked a couple of goals past the shittest team in the tournament.

It’s with great fear of England’s knockout chances that I must announce that Germany are back

I think Stevie had a database somewhere of everyone’s known penis size

I’ve switched to the 5 Live commentary and am slowly eating an entire pack of caramel shortbread pieces. I am accepting your thoughts and prayers

Literally, I imagine.

Glad we have misery Jenas on to really make this hangover spark new life

Not to overreact but I’d have sacked Southgate at half time. Got to think there’s a truly embarrassing knockout defeat in the post.