Ayatollah Hermione

Lemina is better than James McCarthy, who we'll almost certainly end up with.

6 hours ago, we were close to signing him if we would just up the offer and now he's in France. Another success story.

So, what’s everyone planning on taking up during the next lockdown? I might learn the piano properly this time

The goalkeeping in the Women’s football btw They’re fucking decades off the blokes, like

It’s here, baby. Last time out in Rio, we had mugging and barely constructed stadiums. This time, COVID is cutting through the Olympic Village like nothing seen since the great STD outbreak of 82 (probably). We’ve got Baseball, Softball and Karate because the Asians are fucking mad for it and skateboarding is in because it has great potential for serious bodily harm which puts it above boring Tory shit like Equestrian. Team GB are going for a canny few, I imagine. We’ll probably dope our way to the bikes again, bit of long jump and probably the horse dancing but everything is on at a stupid time so nobody will watch it anyway. Either way, enjoy the game

It’s beyond belief. There’s little wonder there’s so much resentment about the whole thing now when you consider that, like you say, people are apparently fine to work but not play. And then you consider that places aren’t even paying full wage through your isolation days or making people use their sick days (if they have any left after probably having the virus or isolating waiting for tests) and it’s little wonder people are just deleting the app and flicking the v’s at everything. All practical and medical considerations are out of the window because they’re horrified at actually having to give out some social welfare anymore.

If I was gaffer at either of those papers, I’d be restricting access to Twitter unless they had another shit article to promote. What an embarrassing afternoon for both of them

Wor lass has been pinged and it seems like the contact was work on Friday (she was nowhere else) so she’s contacted them and they say that they she has to come in, unless she has a positive test What a shambles.

Assumed as much but was a bit concerned that something had bollocksed up somewhere down the line.

What’s the crack with my COVID pass on the app expiring in two days? Is this a common thing or what?

Looked a bit ill on the touchline yesterday but that’s probably a direct consequence of him caning the pints and the curries during the Euros so I’ll reserve judgment until I see him in HD

What’s the odds he’s back by the end of August? There’s a months wages saved.

Another day, not so much as a peep from my Track and Trace app. This is criminal, I was out in Tynemouth all day Saturday and by 8 o’clock, the place looked like a scene out of Dawn of the Dead. I should be pinging off the hook. Give me the time off, @CovidApp

I know it’s the first game of pre-season but in the bits I watched, Hendrick still couldn’t stand out against York

Did you think that the closing of the borders wouldn’t effect your yearly dogging holiday?

Hey hey hey, what’s this crack here? Nee need for clandestine crack about the old alcoholism, we’re all mates here who need to find specialist shops

Been on the jars in Tynemouth today, it was fucking rammed but I checked in everywhere. Sometimes twice. Give me those 10 paid days off, baby. Let’s game the system and watch the Olympics on Japanese time

Her first vid on XVideos is her getting pummelled by a cock the size of the Pink Panther’s tail. Fucking hell, Renton.

I honestly had no idea that actually got released. Heard he was playing him and that it was in production but had no idea it actually came out

As for the old dance to do housework to crack

Finally fell down the city pop hole I’ve been threatening for a while. Absolutely unreal gear in this playlist

Maybe he’ll meet the same grisly fate as his father, Frank.

Sound, when I actually get a new GP, I’ll be able to use it

Renton, I’m the picture of health. The only thing I’ve ever been prescribed is a healthy dose of loving from local milfs

I’m the picture of health, I have no idea what my NHS number is so I need to get sorted with a GP to find out. A process that is taking three times as long as it should Plus I’m not carrying a letter about with me to get into pubs like some kind of deranged war widow.