Ayatollah Hermione

Has any other sportsman on more obscene money than a Premier League footballer donated anything?

It was a proud day when I chinned that pig. If I remember right, you've just got to run around like a tit while you kill its little pals and get through its health bar as quick as you can. There's no room for graceful murder.

Yedlin has chucked a tenner in.

It’s basically a game of Sid Meier’s Civilization brought to life.

Will Grigg’s on furlough, his family is terrified

Watched this this morning from that list of documentaries Alex posted and bring back increasingly violent on-field rivalries, I say.

To be fair, their initial response was criminally negligent in the extreme. This isn’t a surprise.

I'd be very surprised if they let him wear his shoes into the ICU. Look, MF isn't here, someone's got to do it.

Johnson taken into intensive care, apparently.

Im fairly sure you’re not averaging 30/40 tweets a day and just firing out shite for the sake of it though.

The most Twitter thing I’ve ever read. I genuinely think only mentally ill people use that with any regularity these days.

Well, the joke is on them because I don’t do any proper exercise

100% From what I've heard, the likes of ASDA and Tesco are absolute free-for-alls.

No but I did try to plug my PS4 controller into the telly to try and control the one I bet on.

The Queen should come on the telly today and say something like "One would like to remind you that the more you stay in, the quicker the pubs will open. You fucking plebs" and then those unhinged lunatics that have a stockpile of plastic Union Jacks in the loft might stay in for a bastard change.

me and my mates do it once a week and last night, I was already back to being sick of them.

Anyone watching the virtual National?

Good god man, it’s the weekend

After a particularly dodgy curry, one's ringpiece could be said to be a bit chossy.

I noticed that it didn’t show the total embarrassment they made of themselves in Trafalgar Square. Would somewhat get in the way of the “fantastic yet downtrodden fans” narrative they were pushing.

lol i get it, he's fat

As an aside, I did see Certified Daft Cunt and Shit Right-Back, DeAndre Yedlin twisting into that people were shouting at him to donate more money. Obviously people didn’t realise he needs the money to conduct photo shoots with his lass in their gaff.

Rooney’s wage seems to fit but not sure he’s aware enough to speak like that. Either him or one of the Spurs Belgians. Or Carroll

“And now, live from the crypt, is Prince Phillip with ten minutes of jokes about the Orientals”

Bill Withered. no it’s not the same joke