Ayatollah Hermione

Champion. Go anywhere, wear my USSR 88 top and shit myself in a doorway after 15 pints and 5 curry wursts. Sounds like normal holiday for me

I’ve seen worse players than Longstaff go for more than £25 million. He has been a regular in sides performing at the right end of the table and even chipped in with 8 goals or so last season. There’ll be a few teams who will fancy getting him a run of games. It’s also telling that everyone that plays with him and manages him says he’s a good player

Good man, Meenz. We’re staying right next to the Brandenburg Gate so right next to the transport links for getting about. Put everything in there into my list and like you say, will keep an eye out as I go from area to area. My only concrete plan atm is going out for our game on Sunday

I will boot you square in the ballsack if this cheek continues in future

Fly out to Berlin tomorrow. There for a week but outside of the main attractions, anyone got any suggestions? Like my history so bang up for walking tours, museums etc. pubs and food recommendations more than welcome

Would be funny if that fake Chilean cheating cunt Diaz sunk them. He was a hero to them at the start of the season

We picked up 18 points from the promoted teams this season. They’re just not very good and I don’t see Sheffield United or Sunderland bucking the trend. Local rivalry or not

Honestly, can the PGMOL get anything right? What a ridiculously incompetent fucking organisation

Came out of Supergrass, saw there was a minute left of extra time so dove in The Star to watch the pens. Walked in as the corner came in the box and they scored. So, I apologise for that

And that’s before you get on to their affinity for seagulls

Really, it should say “Til Half Time”

In their one minds. You must have missed their £85 million forward line

The hoardings being moved is a good plan until the long thrower just curves his run. And it’ll be an even better idea when one of their superstar young forwards gets smashed into them because they’re 3 metres further forward

Never noticed Ramsey doing it before Though he does look like he’s actually struggling to see him rather than saluting him

Hey, they don’t look the type

Aye, Howe will be pissing his seeing that. Man Utd still haven’t recovered from Ten Hag’s disastrous interview before the home game up here two years ago. That shit from Arteta is the exact kind of thing he should be avoiding when his team are fragile atm

Let that be a warning. If you don’t abide by our ridiculous and completely mythical standards, we’ll all do a big boo at you as you’re on your way to the biggest club in the world for a gigantic pay rise. Some warning

I’m gutted to hear about your cat, Gemmill. Absolute sickener. Hope you’re both alright

All the pressure is on them to turn around a rotten run of form. Of all the teams for that pressure to lie on, Arsenal will probably not handle it well

I’m at Supergrass on Tuesday night so fingers crossed I come out, check my phone and see some real embarrassing scenes on Wearside

well, we never beat Arsenal so probably not. Wait, what’s that? Three times this season alone?

Genuinely quite worrying that the thought of us finishing second is becoming a real possibility in my head

Forest finally take the lead against one of the worst teams in the league

Imagine paying a small fortune for a season ticket at Old Trafford, only to told outright that Premier League games are no longer important

Apparently Chelsea are so bad that it’s given them renewed belief that they can finish in the top half