acrossthepond

Agreed. Godspeed gentlemen.

Tree Ryder.

Gouffran was good when he joined us, he's just been completely and totally Pardewed. He started as a pacy winger who would drive at goal and put pressure on defenders. Chipped in with a few goals too. But Pardew turned him into a worthless central midfielder whose only attribute is to jog around looking like he's carrying an injury.

Dreadful is definitely a bit too far. As other posters have said though, we've seen his limits now. He's not ever going to be any better than he was last season. In last season's utterly dire team he was good enough (more than good enough to be fair to him), but if we have any intention of moving up the table he should definitely be a squad player rather than a guaranteed starter.

I'll go on record as saying we won't sign Thauvin. We've been linked with him for something like three years and the bloke simply isn't interested. I'm not sure we're even interested. I think it's just hacks digging up this undying 'link' and going "need a few sentences about NUFC, let's throw something in about Thauvin" every six months or so.

You only have to abstain while you're fasting, so yes, I'd reckon he probably did. It's a myth that you can't have sex for the entire month.

Very pleased with this signing, hope Austin is still on as well. Two 8-figure fees being spent suddenly gives a little credence to the idea that we might be competitive this year, although both have also been signed with resale value in mind. Mbemba (sp?) was also absent from training and hopefully he's next through the door. He was named in the Belgian team of the season, as well as Mitrovic, and I read a belgian pundit saying he's the best defender in the country. As well he might be, considering he admits to being 4 years older than his official birthday.

It's McClaren, like.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that one didn't come from the comedy account.

I see Real Sociedad are being linked with Joel Campbell for 6m. We should be in there, that's the same we paid for Riviere the donkey, and Campbell is loads better going off his WC performances. Mitrovic/Austin, Cisse, Campbell and Riviere as backup would be a decent strike force.

Lascelles is a humongous bloke but he looked very limited as a footballer. We were extremely lacking in sharpness which is understandable obviously and it didn't make for very pleasant viewing. Sissoko in particular looked very unimpressed with our opponents and seemed like he couldn't be bothered after about 60 minutes or so. It wasn't a very friendly friendly, there were a lot of very spicy tackles flying in around the 55-75 minute period and there was no openness at all to the second half. de Jong barely touched the ball. Not exactly riveting stuff.

Some real plums on that record signings list. Hernandez, Soldado, Carroll (x2 ), Mitroglou, Osvaldo, van Wolfswinkel, Samba, Bent at Villa, Boselli, Gyan, Alves, Elmander...Owen...

Two utterly rubbish players. If those are getting a look in for our first team this year we're fucked. Ferguson couldn't get playing time for a dire Brum side in the 2nd division and Marveaux is a downgrade on basically every midfielder we have.

Advocaat actually confirmed they have indeed been forced to sign said knacker and are now looking to offload him to basically anyone.

What a terrible set of fixtures that is. I would've thought with all the ridiculous penny-pinching that goes on with this club we would've played more home matches to bring in ticket revenue. Instead we're spending the summer off on tour at non-league sides, Mexican teams, third division USA teams...what the actual fuck. Who plans these? Did Penfold hoy darts at a map of the world while having a stroke?

At this rate we'll be lucky if we spend 6m. The new Ashley dawn isn't looking too rosy. Surprise surprise. Hope nobody renewed on the back of that load of panicked bullshit.

Under normal circumstances I'd snatch their hands off too. Tiote is useless now, a complete liability, not worth more than 3m, and we mostly did without him last season so he'll not be much of a miss. Cisse is an ongoing debate but if we had a quality replacement in or lined up I'd say take the money. Of course we don't have a replacement and we don't look like getting one either.

I think it is time to get shot of Cisse to be quite honest. He's never fit, he misses weeks at the AFCON, he spends the time he is here and fit suspended, and he offers nothing in terms of all around play. He's a cracking finisher and has let loose a few corking goals that we'll never forget, but he does nothing when we don't have the ball and without quality service he's a passenger. The same criticisms being leveled at the potential signing of Bas Dost can be applied to Cisse. Selling him without a quality replacement would be idiocy, though, which is exactly therefore what I expect to happen.

We'd be willing to listen to offers for any of our players, even if the offer in question came from a tramp holding out a half-finished bottle of Glenfidditch.

There are people in the far north who fast those ridiculous hours, but the commonly accepted practice is that if you are faced with a sunrise-sunset cycle that is unreasonable, to pick a place in the world (usually your own home city or Mecca) and fast as if you were there.

A very happy Ramadan to you as well. It's going to be a tough one this year I reckon, with the bairn teething just as I start. A week left in school as well. The little shits are about to see a side of me they never dreamed existed. "No, I don't give a fuck if Adolfo threw an eraser at you! Do you realise I haven't eaten since 4 in the fucking morning? Shrivel up and die you little cunt! Let me call your slag of a mother in here so I can tell her all about the birth control she should've employed some twelve years ago!"

Colo has become fucking rubbish and needs to be dispensed with. Obviously he was not helped by partnering Iron Mike but he has proven himself spineless at the time when spine was most needed. If we are starting another season with him as captain and first choice centre back we are in real trouble.

Are we STILL being linked with Florian Thauvin? That ship sailed a long time ago. Hasn't he transferred twice since we were first cited as being interested like four years ago?

"Howay, Hatem lad, bet you can't eat eight of these!" "Meester Carver, ees zat a challenge?"

Easy to gain weight when Carver's training regimen consists of Greggs pie scoffing contests.