acrossthepond

4 minutes to play and they send the keeper up, not sure what the plan was there but this is how it's came out:

Brilliant finish, crisp as anything. Feeble attempt by the keeper to excuse his own shocking play.

We won't win no cups, we won't win no shields, our biggest match will be HUDD ERS FIELD. Win this one and the league is sewn up imo, but I don't think we will. Going for a 1-1 draw. The message is clear: they see this game as the cup final, not the actual cup quarter-final they just played, and I think they'll come up with a big performance.

A goal worthy of winning any game. That's why we're going up.

Fuck knows we needed some luck from somewhere.

Not sure Diame has touched the ball this half, he needs to be off.

Diame has been atrocious, Gouffran not much better. Experiment is not working. Throw on the mad Serb, we can't do any worse than this. Plenty of threat coming from the wings though, they seem to have no answer to Ritchie when he gets on the ball. Shelvey meanwhile is skulking around like he's going to put the Cruciatus curse on someone. He needs to get out of his own head and into the game.

Knockaert should be called Knackaert, he's one half of a bull's plums.

An absolute nonsense of a penalty. Nothing whatsoever in it.

Maybe I'll run into the cunts.

I've more hair than that.

Ian Woan as well surely?

I coach my school team, third year of doing so. We're not very good and so I have developed quite a list, most of which you don't really see at a professional level. But foul throws are the worst. When one of my players commits a foul throw, the entire team does 50 push-ups after the match.

Mbemba did a job in the PL last year, he wasn't amazing but he was a pretty solid centre-back in an abominable defence. Same with Mitrovic. Neither one has really had a look in under Rafa but I still think they're PL-quality players.

Great build up play even if the finish was lucky.

Perez has been wretched for his entire time in the Championship. To be honest we got more than we deserved. We were dire and in no way look like a title-winning team. Mbemba surely can't be worse than Lascelles/Clark, we need to get him back in ASAP. It's plain there was no Gayle plan B and it's costing us. No Shelvey plan B either. More "cross our fingers" planning from our football genius.

The one I will shortly be taking off you, yes.

You have followed this club your whole life as far as I know. Tell me I'm wrong. We're only ever a "club statement" away from catastrophe at Newcastle United.

Don't kid yourself. It'll all end in tears just like it did with KK.

Definitely worth a loan.

It'll be like Cisse, nobody will notice he's gone because he's done nowt for us for the last 2-3 seasons. He's already a non-factor at the club, this is just getting him off the payroll.

FIFA are no longer fit for purpose. Chuck out the fat Swiss fraud only to replace him with a more photogenic but equally fraudulent chancer. Secretary my ass. 16 groups of 3 is, to put it bluntly, a fucking idiotic idea.

"The lads were brilliant, top performance, there was just this incident with goat's blood. And it affects you. I don't like to make excuses, but when you're a professional and there's witchcraft about, and your three left backs' ankles all lock up at the same time, and big Paul starts clucking like a chicken, it makes it difficult to compete. But if we keep playing the way we did today we'll get points on the board."

E-I-E-I-O, up the predictions contest table I go...

Merry Christmas to all!