Monkeys Fist 39193 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Run for your lives! NaCl NaOH The base is under a salt! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 9251 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Run for your lives! NaCl NaOH The base is under a salt! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 The Pope goes to a restaurant and says to the waiter, ' can I have a rare steak please.' The waiter shouts, 'one bloody steak for the Pope.' The Pope gets all angry and gives the waiter a right telling off for swearing but the waiter explains that a rare steak is known as a bloody steak and it's not swearing. The Pope thanks the waiter and apologises for thinking he swore and trots off, remembering how to order any future steaks. A week passes by and the Pope has a young priest in tow and takes him to the restaurant. The Pope decides to smugly show the young priest how to order, so the Pope shouts over to the waiter....'waiter, could I have a bloody steak please'.... The young priest appears shocked but thinks, what the hell and shouts....'me too, with lashings of fucking chips on the side.' The Pope is doing a crossword and struggling so he asks one of his cardinals for some help. "four letters...female... something-U-N-T. Any ideas?". His cardinal certainly can think of a word but he really can't tell his holiness that. Thankfully, he thinks of something else. "'Aunt', your holiness," then sighs with relief. "ah, aunt, yes of course. Do you have an eraser I can borrow?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39193 Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Mrs. F. said last night, "If you switch off the light, I will take it up the arse." Light off , next thing ,she lets out a blood-curling scream. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 12903 Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread yesterday, Fish but it said "Thick Cut" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 27624 Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread yesterday, Fish but it said "Thick Cut" Noted and will be used later on with some editing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 27624 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 John, an ex-Squaddie gets through to the interview stage at Newcastle City Council for a job there. After a brief interview the interviewer asks John to expand a bit on the medical part of his application. John explains that he was hit in the groin area with a bit of shrapnel in Iraq and consequently lost his testicles. He also mentioned his caffeine allergy. "No problem, John!" said the interviewer, "We like to accommodate everybody here at Newcastle City Council regardless of disability, religion and race. We also like to employ ex-servicemen as well so I'm pleased to offer you the job!" John gladly accepts and asks what time they start work at his department? "Well it's nine AM to five PM for everyone else but you will be starting at eleven till five instead." "Why's that?" asks John. The interviewer replies, "Here at Newcastle City Council we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls for the first couple of hours so it's pointless you coming in till then". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 20183 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Christmas Tree Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausman 0 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'msmarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat andexcitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YeOldeHamiltonian 0 Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 What have Abu Qatada and Peter Andre got in common? Neither wants to go back to Jordan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 14143 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyonce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39193 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 9251 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Was out last night and dropped the "Neil Buchanan's dead" joke, felt bad about 3 minutes later when the girls were still talking about how much of a shock it was, and that how one of them had met him once... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39193 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 My type of woman - thick as a whale sandwich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 9251 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 My type of woman - thick as a whale sandwich Glances were exchanged between me and the other lad there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4005 Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 I've got loads of memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Supergirl. I think I may have a heroine addiction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4005 Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Professional Footballers Awards Dinner tonight Or as Luis Suarez calls it - an all you can eat buffet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 27624 Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 SEX INSURANCE Do you have any?? If not then please find a list below catering for most tastes: Sex with your wife; Legal and General. . . Sex with your partner; Standard Life. . . Sex with someone different; Go Compare. . . Sex on the phone; Direct Line. . Sex with a fat bird; More Than. . Sex with a hot bird; Privileged. . Sex on the back seat; Sheila's Wheels. . Sex with a transvestite; Confused.com. . Sex with an animal; Compare the Meerkat. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4005 Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 I laughed at a midget absailing down a prison wall. It was a little condescending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39193 Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 but, *abseiling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 9251 Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 I laughed at a midget absailing down a prison wall. It was a little condescending. He was locked up because he's a charlatan pyschic. The police are looking for a small medium at large Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4005 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 12903 Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 I've got loads of memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Supergirl. I think I may have a heroine addiction. Fucking hell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catmag 336 Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 Just joined a reggae band. I play the triangle. I stand at the back and ting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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