When was the last punch up you had

[Howmanheyman 26877]

Was in a Chinese after a night out with welsh girlfriend at the time and my mate in wee town near cardiff, Friend went out for a smoke while we waited for the order

Plastered lad sitting there starts telling us how he's going to "go out and knock that fella clean out".

"no your not"

"aye i am mate, fauwking wanker outside, going knock the fuck outta him"

"seeing as that's my mate outside and your a wee scroat you'll be doing nothing"

"wha? thats your mate? ah mawn sorry sorry i didn't know naw he's alright him " etc etc turns into our best pal.

 

gf was sitting giggling in the corner how quickly the lads story changed, which did me no harm later on

 

You must be rock.

 

 

My mental image of Ant is Keith Gillespie, but I might have that wrong.

 

The lad gives a perfectly normal anecdote and gets it in the neck. What a pack of bastards!

[Park Life 70]

Thought I'd take more criticism over my cowardly chair whooping.

[Howmanheyman 26877]

Thought I'd take more criticism over my cowardly chair whooping.

I once had a cowardly attack on me by a chair when I wasn't looking. Can you tell me your whereabouts in August 1992, sir? Hmmnn?

[Renton 17799]

Not sure I've ever had a fight since leaving school, always tried to avoid bother. Some guy once tried to punch me because I was talking to his ex-g/f (or rather I was talking to her humungous tits), but he barely made contact and by the time I sussed out what he was doing he was crying like a bairn.

 

However, I did work in a nightclub where I saw a variety of atrocities nightly. If you've ever seen someone who is really hard fight you'll know never to try it on. One bloke, supposed to be a gangster from Shields, spotted two blokes talking to his missus. He just walked up to them and gave the appearance of tapping them on their chins with his knuckles. They went flying across the room, blood and teeth everywhere, spark out. He just continued drinking and the bouncers were too shit scared to do anything about him. One of the most frightening things I had seen at that age.

[snakehips 0]

The last person I laid out was a Dutch twat in Holland (of all places ) in 1988, the night they won the European Championships.

 

I could just give you the final scene, but the lead up is a bit interesting.

 

I was in Rotterdam on the piss all day with a bunch of colleagues. Anyway, this English chick and her b/f (also English) were in Rotterdam for a weekend break. Why the fuck Rotterdam I'll never know. Anyway, we get talking to them and after a while me and the chick were getting on fine Her b/f takes a hissy fit and fucks off ha ha! Bit by bit, my colleagues leave so there's just me and this lass left. We continue drinking. She falls asleep on my lap. Now, I hadn't noticed this, but as it got dark all the native Dutch had evacuated this bar and the place had filled up with, let's say immigrants. I hope that doesn't sound too bad, but I can't think of a better way of putting it. This lass is asleep lying across me and she has this rather short skirt and top on (no, I didn't abuse her!!) and the punters are now starting to take a lot of notice of her. One lad in particular who decided he wanted to paw her. Being a gent, I told him to fuck off, which didn't go down too well.

This is where Tino Asprilla saved my life.

I told this lass to wake up as we were leaving. She didn't have a clue what was going on, but she stood up, I stood up and so did all these blokes. I pushed her through the throng and, just to give us some time and put the trolls on the back foot, I stretch my t-shirt to display the cartoon picture of Tino drinking a bottle of dog. 'Look,' I said 'Tino Asprilla,' 'plays for Newcastle'. The tossers didn't know what the fuck I was on about, but that gave me and this lass just enough time to get out the bar.

Devine providence takes hold.

Me and this lass come out of the bar and only a few steps behind us are this bunch of lads. 'Shit' thinks I, I'm gonna get filled in here. But just as that thought crossed my mind, this taxi is crossing the junction in front of us. I flag it down and we jump in. Jings, if there is someone up there, he/she was looking after me that minute!

So we head off elsewhere and end up in this smaller bar which was full of Dutch folk celebrating the football victory.

This bloke, realising we are English, starts with the 'Who put the ball in the England goal? Marco Van Basten, Marco Van Basten.' So I grimace a 'Very funny, ha ha' as you do. This fuckin' chant went on, intermittently, and on, for quite a while and each time it finished I smiled and humoured the big fucker.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's fight time.

After a while I go to the bog, and just as I'm zipping the monster up, who should come in but Knacka Ned. 'Who put the ball....' I'd had enough of this chant and decked him. He was in a heap on the floor so, once again, I had to leave a hostelry rather sharpish.

The rest of the night will have to remain in my memory I'm afraid. Walls have ears.

[Renton 17799]

The last person I laid out was a Dutch twat in Holland (of all places ) in 1988, the night they won the European Championships.

 

I could just give you the final scene, but the lead up is a bit interesting.

 

I was in Rotterdam on the piss all day with a bunch of colleagues. Anyway, this English chick and her b/f (also English) were in Rotterdam for a weekend break. Why the fuck Rotterdam I'll never know. Anyway, we get talking to them and after a while me and the chick were getting on fine Her b/f takes a hissy fit and fucks off ha ha! Bit by bit, my colleagues leave so there's just me and this lass left. We continue drinking. She falls asleep on my lap. Now, I hadn't noticed this, but as it got dark all the native Dutch had evacuated this bar and the place had filled up with, let's say immigrants. I hope that doesn't sound too bad, but I can't think of a better way of putting it. This lass is asleep lying across me and she has this rather short skirt and top on (no, I didn't abuse her!!) and the punters are now starting to take a lot of notice of her. One lad in particular who decided he wanted to paw her. Being a gent, I told him to fuck off, which didn't go down too well.

This is where Tino Asprilla saved my life.

I told this lass to wake up as we were leaving. She didn't have a clue what was going on, but she stood up, I stood up and so did all these blokes. I pushed her through the throng and, just to give us some time and put the trolls on the back foot, I stretch my t-shirt to display the cartoon picture of Tino drinking a bottle of dog. 'Look,' I said 'Tino Asprilla,' 'plays for Newcastle'. The tossers didn't know what the fuck I was on about, but that gave me and this lass just enough time to get out the bar.

Devine providence takes hold.

Me and this lass come out of the bar and only a few steps behind us are this bunch of lads. 'Shit' thinks I, I'm gonna get filled in here. But just as that thought crossed my mind, this taxi is crossing the junction in front of us. I flag it down and we jump in. Jings, if there is someone up there, he/she was looking after me that minute!

So we head off elsewhere and end up in this smaller bar which was full of Dutch folk celebrating the football victory.

This bloke, realising we are English, starts with the 'Who put the ball in the England goal? Marco Van Basten, Marco Van Basten.' So I grimace a 'Very funny, ha ha' as you do. This fuckin' chant went on, intermittently, and on, for quite a while and each time it finished I smiled and humoured the big fucker.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's fight time.

After a while I go to the bog, and just as I'm zipping the monster up, who should come in but Knacka Ned. 'Who put the ball....' I'd had enough of this chant and decked him. He was in a heap on the floor so, once again, I had to leave a hostelry rather sharpish.

The rest of the night will have to remain in my memory I'm afraid. Walls have ears.

 

1988 you say? Tino you say? Hmmmm......

[Guest You FCB Get Out Of Our Club]

That's much funnier than it should be.

I was just going to post exactly that. Some things you say you can't laugh at that, but often they're the most hilarious.

Again this was ages ago but I once saw a kid acting the prick on Northumberland Street basically pucnhing people indiscriminately. He went up to this lad who was with a lass. The lad he went up to ducked the punch and sparked him out cold. I assume he was ok as there was nothing on the news or anything. Served the prick right and it was hilarious.

Reminds me of this.

 

Edited January 20, 2011 by You FCB Get Out Of Our Club

[snakehips 0]

The last person I laid out was a Dutch twat in Holland (of all places ) in 1988, the night they won the European Championships.

 

I could just give you the final scene, but the lead up is a bit interesting.

 

I was in Rotterdam on the piss all day with a bunch of colleagues. Anyway, this English chick and her b/f (also English) were in Rotterdam for a weekend break. Why the fuck Rotterdam I'll never know. Anyway, we get talking to them and after a while me and the chick were getting on fine Her b/f takes a hissy fit and fucks off ha ha! Bit by bit, my colleagues leave so there's just me and this lass left. We continue drinking. She falls asleep on my lap. Now, I hadn't noticed this, but as it got dark all the native Dutch had evacuated this bar and the place had filled up with, let's say immigrants. I hope that doesn't sound too bad, but I can't think of a better way of putting it. This lass is asleep lying across me and she has this rather short skirt and top on (no, I didn't abuse her!!) and the punters are now starting to take a lot of notice of her. One lad in particular who decided he wanted to paw her. Being a gent, I told him to fuck off, which didn't go down too well.

This is where Tino Asprilla saved my life.

I told this lass to wake up as we were leaving. She didn't have a clue what was going on, but she stood up, I stood up and so did all these blokes. I pushed her through the throng and, just to give us some time and put the trolls on the back foot, I stretch my t-shirt to display the cartoon picture of Tino drinking a bottle of dog. 'Look,' I said 'Tino Asprilla,' 'plays for Newcastle'. The tossers didn't know what the fuck I was on about, but that gave me and this lass just enough time to get out the bar.

Devine providence takes hold.

Me and this lass come out of the bar and only a few steps behind us are this bunch of lads. 'Shit' thinks I, I'm gonna get filled in here. But just as that thought crossed my mind, this taxi is crossing the junction in front of us. I flag it down and we jump in. Jings, if there is someone up there, he/she was looking after me that minute!

So we head off elsewhere and end up in this smaller bar which was full of Dutch folk celebrating the football victory.

This bloke, realising we are English, starts with the 'Who put the ball in the England goal? Marco Van Basten, Marco Van Basten.' So I grimace a 'Very funny, ha ha' as you do. This fuckin' chant went on, intermittently, and on, for quite a while and each time it finished I smiled and humoured the big fucker.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's fight time.

After a while I go to the bog, and just as I'm zipping the monster up, who should come in but Knacka Ned. 'Who put the ball....' I'd had enough of this chant and decked him. He was in a heap on the floor so, once again, I had to leave a hostelry rather sharpish.

The rest of the night will have to remain in my memory I'm afraid. Walls have ears.

 

1988 you say? Tino you say? Hmmmm......

 

Aye. Have I got the dates wrong? I had me yellow Tino t-shirt on and Holland had just won the european championship.

 

Can't have been '98 was it??

 

Edit: Fuck me, I thought I was going crackers there.

 

It was a Mirandinha t-shirt. Time. I'm getting old. Someone shoot me.

Edited January 20, 2011 by snakehips

[Guest alex]

We didn't sign Tino until 1995. Holland won the European Championships in 88 though. Something doesn't add there like

Just realised: you mean Mirandinha, don't you?

Edited January 20, 2011 by alex

[Park Life 70]

That's much funnier than it should be.

I was just going to post exactly that. Some things you say you can't laugh at that, but often they're the most hilarious.

Again this was ages ago but I once saw a kid acting the prick on Northumberland Street basically pucnhing people indiscriminately. He went up to this lad who was with a lass. The lad he went up to ducked the punch and sparked him out cold. I assume he was ok as there was nothing on the news or anything. Served the prick right and it was hilarious.

Reminds me of this.

 

 

Cleaned up.

[Anorthernsoul 1221]

With our lass last neet, I stuck it in the wrong hole

[Park Life 70]

Luis Fabiano displays classic girl punching.

 

[Renton 17799]

Was in a Chinese after a night out with welsh girlfriend at the time and my mate in wee town near cardiff, Friend went out for a smoke while we waited for the order

Plastered lad sitting there starts telling us how he's going to "go out and knock that fella clean out".

"no your not"

"aye i am mate, fauwking wanker outside, going knock the fuck outta him"

"seeing as that's my mate outside and your a wee scroat you'll be doing nothing"

"wha? thats your mate? ah mawn sorry sorry i didn't know naw he's alright him " etc etc turns into our best pal.

 

gf was sitting giggling in the corner how quickly the lads story changed, which did me no harm later on

 

You must be rock.

 

lol not really, my mate is about 5ft7 and an easier target for drunken spastics i'd guess, i'm 6ft-6'1 and about 13-14 stone so like i said not massive but big enough that said cowardly pricks would want to pick on someone smaller thankfully.

 

@Gemmill - i look more like a drug dealer with my shaved head than a user ala Gillespie

 

lol it's amazing how the avatars on here give you an image of people after a while, if Gemmill doesn't look like an angry shearer (his old pic) i'd be disappointed

 

Gemmill is the spit of the guy from the BT advert only fatter and gingerer, so prepare to be disappointed.

 

I know a lad who's 6 foot 4 and as a result is often a target for the loons out in Newcastle proving they're 'hard' - a few times he's ended up in casualty as a result, poor sod.

[Jimbo 133]

That's much funnier than it should be.

I was just going to post exactly that. Some things you say you can't laugh at that, but often they're the most hilarious.

Again this was ages ago but I once saw a kid acting the prick on Northumberland Street basically pucnhing people indiscriminately. He went up to this lad who was with a lass. The lad he went up to ducked the punch and sparked him out cold. I assume he was ok as there was nothing on the news or anything. Served the prick right and it was hilarious.

Reminds me of this.

 

 

Cleaned up.

 

 

He probably gets stabbed to death off camera.

[Kid Dynamite 5925]

2003 dressed like Luigi from the Mario Bros believe it or no, tache, dungarees, the lot.

 

Accidentally bumped into someone on the dancefloor and he started gobbing off. I told him to fuck off and turned to walk away and he pulled me round by the shoulder and punched me. I was surprised more than anything and then he hit me again. I hit him back and he went down like a sack of shit (I was stone cold sober and he was pissed tbf). We both got thrown out and having gotten over the initial surprise I was angry that this prat had hit me for no reason so I asked him if he wanted another bash at me.

 

He shit it and started kissing my arse saying how pissed he was and he was sorry etc. Then 2 of his mates came out and he suddenly turned into Mike Tyson, asking me to come over the road with the 3 of them to settle it

 

Needless to say I declined, but his mate just kept going on and on and on, saying he was a semi pro boxer and he was going to murder me etc., then a kindly bouncer stepped in front of me and said '3 on 1 isn't very fair is it so if you 3 don't fuck off I kill the lot of ya'

 

I had 2 black eyes for weeks!

[Howay 12460]

Been in a lot of drunken scrapes over the years, I hate fighting and like others have mentioned it takes 1 second for something to go seriously wrong because of it (i.e falling over and head bouncing off kerb/pavement). Last fight I had I got very lucky, got a bit too drunk and cant remember exactly how it started probably me acting a drunk mug tbh, I just remember one lad had me in a headlock while his two mates stood smacking the back of my head I pushed myself free and the lad smashed a pint glass across my cheek left me with a scar under my right eye. Learnt a lesson that night and I'm careful about the amount I drink now.

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

I'm very lucky, I've only been attacked by little chavs. Whilst I'm a reasonable size and am quite fit, I get scared when it all kicks off so I wouldn't fancy myself in a brawl. My legs go wobbly, and my arms feel like lead. Fortunately I'm quick and have managed to escape every potentially nasty situation, such as when two bald men attempted to rape me in broad daylight in Preston a few years back. I quite fancy taking up boxing training to get fitter, and hopefully eventually do some sparring to overcome my nerves during confrontations with big people.

[Jusoda Kid 1]

Rape you wtf?

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

Attempted rape mate. These two bald fuckers; they looked like right said fred if they had done hard drugs for 30 years, I'm not even joking. I was out drinking one night waiting at some traffic lights, when I felt someone grope my arse with a vice-like grip. Hello I thought, I turn round and it's this bastard, spitting image of right said fred. He winked at me and said, "I'll be seeing you later." Needless to say I was freaked out a bit, and as I was pissed I just crossed the road and rejoined my group. The thing is with these vicious fuckers is, they wait till you're isolated. Like vultures. They'd spotted me with a group, but waited till I was alone to pounce.

A couple of days later I'm walking down the road in broad daylight, I'm coming up behind these two blokes, mid 30s, big fellas. I pass them and suddenly realize who it is. "How's it going mate?" It's him again. I accelerate and walk ahead, trying to remain calm but my sphincter was twitching like a pneumatic drill at the prospect of being taken advantage of. "Where are you going, mate?" He asks, and then the other one runs after me and tries to grab me. "FUCK OFF!" I squealed, and broke loose. I started to run full-pelt, and they gave chase. If they had caught me that was it - game over. You don't know what these fuckers are going to do to you once you pass out; they could have any number of tools on their person: cucumbers, sex toys; you name it. Luckily I was too fast for them and ran round a corner to my mate's house. I started banging frantically on his window for him to let me in. Fortunately he was present and we went in and smoked a load of weed. Didn't see those guys again, but that goes down as attempted rape in my book.

Edited January 20, 2011 by Kevin S. Assilleekunt

[Smooth Operator 10]

Wacky doesn't believe in rape so you'll have to explain what you mean.

[Guest]

Last fight I had was with outside a local nightclub. Some prick thinkin' he was a hard cunt started mouthin off at me and my mate whilst we were talkin to some lasses, I had a pot on my right hand, not really in any position to fight with him. Anyway we decided to just ignore the cunt and about 5 minutes later he blindsides me for no reason. My mate takes exception and they're squaring up whilst i'm recomposing myself, I think fucking hell, who hits someone that's got a broken hand, so I proceed to blindsiding him back whilst he's arguing with my mate, with a fucking almighty left, knocked him flying. He didn't even realise what'd hit him and went for my mate after that, who I can only describe as a big cunt. Not proud of it but I gave him a little dig in the ribs when he was down, cowardly etc I know, but then so is punching me when I've got a broken hand, so fuck him!

[Mac-Toon 1]

Attempted rape mate. These two bald fuckers; they looked like right said fred if they had done hard drugs for 30 years, I'm not even joking. I was out drinking one night waiting at some traffic lights, when I felt someone grope my arse with a vice-like grip. Hello I thought, I turn round and it's this bastard, spitting image of right said fred. He winked at me and said, "I'll be seeing you later." Needless to say I was freaked out a bit, and as I was pissed I just crossed the road and rejoined my group. The thing is with these vicious fuckers is, they wait till you're isolated. Like vultures. They'd spotted me with a group, but waited till I was alone to pounce.

A couple of days later I'm walking down the road in broad daylight, I'm coming up behind these two blokes, mid 30s, big fellas. I pass them and suddenly realize who it is. "How's it going mate?" It's him again. I accelerate and walk ahead, trying to remain calm but my sphincter was twitching like a pneumatic drill at the prospect of being taken advantage of. "Where are you going, mate?" He asks, and then the other one runs after me and tries to grab me. "FUCK OFF!" I squealed, and broke loose. I started to run full-pelt, and they gave chase. If they had caught me that was it - game over. You don't know what these fuckers are going to do to you once you pass out; they could have any number of tools on their person: cucumbers, sex toys; you name it. Luckily I was too fast for them and ran round a corner to my mate's house. I started banging frantically on his window for him to let me in. Fortunately he was present and we went in and smoked a load of weed. Didn't see those guys again, but that goes down as attempted rape in my book.

The funniest thing I've read on here. 'Cucumbers, sextoys, you name it' haha

[sweetleftpeg 0]

Again this was ages ago but I once saw a kid acting the prick on Northumberland Street basically pucnhing people indiscriminately. He went up to this lad who was with a lass. The lad he went up to ducked the punch and sparked him out cold. I assume he was ok as there was nothing on the news or anything. Served the prick right and it was hilarious.

 

No word of a lie but this actually happened to me in town when I was 14..which was ahem 1994..anyway..I was with my mates going into Eldon Square and this little lad with a couple of lasses randomly threw a punch at me for no reason, missed, and I instinctivly threw a defensive punch back (to be honest, I had no idea what was going on). He fell to the ground, looked at me, looked at the lasses, then got up and ran off. I'm fucking soft as shite as well.

 

Got into a fist fight with some Sheff Wed fans when we were walking into Hillsborough when I was about 18..again a random attack from nowhere..I must have one of those fucking faces.

 

Other than that I've been banged up for SPLITTING a fight up between my two mates when the coppers just randomly grabbed us and hoyed us in the wagon.

 

The only time I've ever offered anyone outside so to speak was in The Trent. I was out for wor lasses 21st but we were just mates at the time. One of the lads she invited had a crush on her and so obviously took a massive dislike to me as he saw me as threat. He got pissed, followed me into the toilets, and threatened me to stay away from her 'or else'. Fucking students. I then totally out of character decided to gamble and play the geordie meathead card as he was a southern student and offered to take him outside and kick the shit out of him. Thankfully he bottled it and ran off, as anyone who has met me from here knows, everything is taller than me and I know who would have had the shit kicked out of them. Looking back though, I reckon he was more pissed than me and I could have taken him. Maybe not..

[TheMoog 0]

Attempted rape mate. These two bald fuckers; they looked like right said fred if they had done hard drugs for 30 years, I'm not even joking. I was out drinking one night waiting at some traffic lights, when I felt someone grope my arse with a vice-like grip. Hello I thought, I turn round and it's this bastard, spitting image of right said fred. He winked at me and said, "I'll be seeing you later." Needless to say I was freaked out a bit, and as I was pissed I just crossed the road and rejoined my group. The thing is with these vicious fuckers is, they wait till you're isolated. Like vultures. They'd spotted me with a group, but waited till I was alone to pounce.

A couple of days later I'm walking down the road in broad daylight, I'm coming up behind these two blokes, mid 30s, big fellas. I pass them and suddenly realize who it is. "How's it going mate?" It's him again. I accelerate and walk ahead, trying to remain calm but my sphincter was twitching like a pneumatic drill at the prospect of being taken advantage of. "Where are you going, mate?" He asks, and then the other one runs after me and tries to grab me. "FUCK OFF!" I squealed, and broke loose. I started to run full-pelt, and they gave chase. If they had caught me that was it - game over. You don't know what these fuckers are going to do to you once you pass out; they could have any number of tools on their person: cucumbers, sex toys; you name it. Luckily I was too fast for them and ran round a corner to my mate's house. I started banging frantically on his window for him to let me in. Fortunately he was present and we went in and smoked a load of weed. Didn't see those guys again, but that goes down as attempted rape in my book.

The funniest thing I've read on here. 'Cucumbers, sextoys, you name it' haha

 

I've now got this mental image that Kevin S. Assilleekunt looks like Ned Beatty...

[Dr Gloom 19826]

outside the grand in clapham junction about 7 or 8 years back. i've only ever seen fights kick off in london in shit cheesy venues like that where everyone's just out on the piss and prowl. everyone giving it the billy bollocks because they've been drinking all day and haven't been able to cop off.

 

i once saw one bloke spark out three of my mates with the same punch in a cheesy club. two of them needed stitches. never seen a punch like it before or since.