Howmanheyman

"Hello! I am the H21000 talking scales unit. I tell you your weight. Insert 50p and step right on me!" "Aha, what have we ere? Hmmnn, lets see ow much I am weighing." "Fucksakegetoff me you fat bastaaaard!!!" "Ah, merde!! Eet spoke in Anglais too fast! I'm sure eet said something like eight stone four but I'm not sure."

Unbelievable. (and it isn't the first it's happened, is it?) To be fair to UEFA, they must have been under enormous pressure from the likes of Bayern, Barcelona, Real Madrid etc to allow Celtic back in order to benefit from a potential money spinning tie with the Scottish giants.

It definitely screams out 'football league' strip. When I was a kid in the eighties, I always wanted us to have adidas as our kit supplier as they more often than not made good kits, now I'd just be happy having umbro back as even adidas kits aren't that great and puma seem to think we're not an important enough club to stop them from experimenting with our kit.

It looks worse on the players than the pics of the shirt by itself. Awful.

Love it if they gave him somewhere like Merseyside, Tyneside, Wearside etc as his seat to fight for.

Where's that young Celtic kid? Where the fuck is he? Let's be having you!!

At 21.04 UK time it'll be 12 years to the day I became a Dad for the first time. It's flown yet seems a lifetime ago all at the same time.

They're spot on about Ryder though.

Apparently we are now officially seething. This Rodwell kid and SAFC's signing of him has measured about 0.001 on my richter scale is the correct answer.

I recently had an appraisal, the first one I've had in years with a shift manager from an opposite shift. To say it was a joke would be an understatement.

Aye, he's real funny. Proof if it was needed where the majority of this countries media bread is buttered.

Are you not doing your job? If you want to improve do you not put in for a promotion or transfer? Do you you have separate individual pay rises?

I don't live in London so maybe I'm missing something but wtf is the fascination with this Tory knacker?

Why do you want an appraisal? Why are YOU sending stuff to HIM? Let him get on with it, if he doesn't, buck stops with him, not you.

Three blokes in a bar talking about playing instruments, octopus overhears them and starts to brag about how he can play any instrument ever invented. Englishman spots a piano in the corner and tries to call the octopuses bluff, 'Play that piano, clever shite', he says. Octopus goes over and is shit hot on it. Irishman spots electric guitar hanging on the wall. 'Let's see if you can play that guitar, big head', he says. Octopus goes over, takes it off the wall, plays it and is shit hot on it. Scotsman says, 'You'll never be able to play this', then gets his bagpipes out to show the octopus. The octopus just sits staring at the bagpipes mouth wide open in awe. 'Aye, told ye you couldna play that'. Octopus replied, 'Play it? When I get its tartan jarmies off I'm going to fucking ride the arse off it!'

Jokes as well? Is there no beginning to their talents?

I'd give it a bash but I haven't got netflix.

He gets bashed/ridiculed because he talks shit on a regular basis, he arse-licks his boss, he accepts his lot and goes back for second helpings and generally makes it very easy to mock him and that's without bringing the football side into it. He's the first manager in almost a century to lost three derbies in a row (and lose two of them spectacularly), he's the master of the heavy defeat including our heaviest home defeat since the twenties and is complicit in our early cup exits to inferior opposition. Taking the piss out of him isn't 'fashionable' mate, it should be fucking compulsory.

".....and it's the Dutch keeper who famously kept out Palermo on his debut in a 'crazy' night in Sicily, rolls it out to the lad from Whitley Bay who was shot by a sniper as he gave away a penalty, he then hits it forward towards the man from Holland etc....."

Watched the first episode of an Italian series based on a Mafia chief in Sicily starting as a young'un just after the War. Will definitely be watching again, it's called 'Corleone' and it's on the box set of Sky. (Also noticed 'Cracker' is on there so watched a couple of them last night.

Nah, CT is TT's fisherman. Should change his name to Peter.

CT's banned.

Even those banned from N-O? (I can think of least three on here).

The BBC are twisting his melon, man.

BBC reporter to passenger, "did you see the RAF typhoons?" Passenger, "No I was asleep."