Dr Kenneth Noisewater

Years ago I was in a really busy bar with my mates. As I was swigging out of a bottle of beer one of my friends was pushed/bumped into me and the bottle chipped my teeth. I went fucking mental at him (even though in hindsight it was a complete accident) and he (rightly) had a go back at me. Anyway, this argument got to the point where we got chucked out the pub and ended up having a fight in the park opposite. He did forgive me the next day, which I suppose proves he was a good mate, although I haven't seen him for a few years now because me and his Mrs don't get on

Ditto. Is he FM-tastic by any chance?

You can get the same 3.2 V6 from the A4 in a Passat which will be a bit cheaper.

I wouldn't touch an Alfa if you rely on your car on a day-to-day basis.

Monkey misery for Kenyan women villagers By Juliet Njeri BBC News, Nachu, central Kenya A troop of vervet monkeys is giving Kenyan villagers long days and sleepless nights, destroying crops and causing a food crisis. Earlier this month, local MP Paul Muite urged the Kenyan Wildlife Service to help contain their aggressive behaviour. But Mr Muite caused laughter when he told parliament that the monkeys had taken to harassing and mocking women in a village. But this is exactly what the women in the village of Nachu, just south-west of Kikuyu, are complaining about. Sexual harassment They estimate there are close to 300 monkeys invading the farms at dawn. They eat the village's maize, potatoes, beans and other crops. And because women are primarily responsible for the farms, they have borne the brunt of the problem, as they try to guard their crops. They say the monkeys are more afraid of young men than women and children, and the bolder ones throw stones and chase the women from their farms. Nachu's women have tried wearing their husbands' clothes in an attempt to trick the monkeys into thinking they are men - but this has failed, they say. "When we come to chase the monkeys away, we are dressed in trousers and hats, so that we look like men," resident Lucy Njeri told the BBC News website "But the monkeys can tell the difference and they don't run away from us and point at our breasts. They just ignore us and continue to steal the crops." In addition to stealing their crops, the monkeys also make sexually explicit gestures at the women, they claim. "The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us," said Mrs Njeri. The Kenyan Wildlife Service told the BBC that it was not unusual for monkeys to harass women and be less afraid of them than men, but they had not heard of monkeys in Kenya making sexually explicit gestures as a form of communication to humans. The predominantly farming community is now having to receive famine relief food. The residents report that the monkeys have killed livestock and guard dogs, which has also left the villagers living in fear, especially for the safety of their babies and children. All the villagers' attempts to control the monkeys have failed - the monkeys evade traps, have lookouts to warn the others of impending attacks and snub poisoned food put out by the residents. "The troop has scouts which keep a lookout from a vantage point, and when they see us coming, they give warning signals to the ones in the farms to get away," said another area resident, Jacinta Wandaga. 'Monkey squad' The town has been warned by the Kenya Wildlife Service not to harm or kill any of the monkeys, as it is a criminal offence. Running out of options, residents are harvesting their crops early in an attempt to salvage what they can of this year's crop. Unfortunately, this only invites the monkeys to break into their homes and steal the harvested crops out of their granaries. Even the formation of a "monkey squad" to keep track of the monkeys' movements and keep them out has failed. The area is simply too large for the few volunteers to cover, they say. Some residents have lost hope and abandoned their homes and farms, but those who have stayed behind, like 80-year-old James Ndungu, are making a desperate plea for assistance. "For God's sake, the government should take pity on us and move these monkeys away because we do not want to abandon our farms," he said. "I beg you, please come and take these animals away from here so that we can farm in peace."

Ive looked and Im just not keen, you dont seem to get a lot for your dosh Audi wise tbh, I know theyve got good engines but they only ever seem to come in 1.8, 1.9 and 2.0 litre versions. I also toyed with the idea of a 9-3 Saab convertible but was put off by the wheels (of all things!) they're just too small for the car. Ive searched and searched but have seen very little that takes me fancy other than the three mentioned. You can get a 3.2 V6 engine in the A4, but as you say they don't come cheap. I'm fancying an A3 sportback at the moment.

Aye but if you're driving a 3 litre V6 you cant really haggle over an extra 2mpg or so though Ain't that the truth. I've ran a couple of V6's in the past, you don't pass many petrol stations. Lovely noise though.

Quoted for truth tbh Its true though about the x-type just being a mondeo in a sexier body, thing is though the premium isnt a great amount more than the Ford. The x-type also comes in a 3 litre V6 so I wonder whether the engine loses much over the STs? As for the Merc I dont see them as hairdressers cars, admittedly most convertibles are but I would say the Merc is one of the few that can get away with it. It is an altogether different drive again when the weathers good and the tops down. But like you say, just how often will that happen in this gawd foresaken place?? The engine in the Jag is essentially the same as the ST220 one, with the addition of variable valve timing. It produces slightly more power (in terms of bhp) but the torque is fractionally less. Not sure how they compare for economy.

The x-type is a mondeo with a different body, you're paying a premium for the name and image. Running cost will be much higher for a Merc than a Ford, the spec will probably be lower or, as you said, you'll have to go for and older / high-miler one. I also can't see the point of convertibles in this country, plus there's the security issue, plus they're hairdressers cars. I'd go for the ST. You're getting a cracking V6 engine, all the toys plus the usual benefits of owning a Ford ie cheap parts, loads of dealers, easy parts availability. The only downside is the image: that everybody has a Ford or they are a rep-mobiles.

Hopefully get another one in. I'd be pleasantly surprised by a rightback and/or a creative midfielder. Not banking on it by any means though.

Is it not Andrew Cole now? Exciting times when he played for us. Must be about 12 years ago now.

You're not wrong its a complete disgrace. Their accent is like nails on a blackboard, its fucking awful. Soooooooo irritating its not true.

Well it's hardly Jimbo-esque proportions is it? Looks like the river is well and truly dried up! To be fair, for the vast majority of my wanks, only air comes out. It's dust in my case.

Falklands? HT: 1-1 FT: 1-2 First goal: Martins Bonus: 1

The Far Corner is a quality book. Does Harry Pearson still do a column for the Guardian?

I hope they do too as I have just bought Going to watch that on itv2 tonight, not seen it before. Refreshed myself with the first one on sunday, then might go and see the third one at the weekend. Go for it, I saw The Bourne Ultimatum on Saturday, bloody brilliant ! Thought the second one was alright, but not a patch on the first one.

I lived in Bradford for a few years and in my time there you could see the asian and white communities drifting apart to the point where there was barely any social interaction between them. Keighley is a BNP hot-spot I believe. Oh, and the doctor who came over in the sixties to save the NHS were Sri Lankan weren't they?

I hope they do too as I have just bought Going to watch that on itv2 tonight, not seen it before. Refreshed myself with the first one on sunday, then might go and see the third one at the weekend.

Hmmm you're probably right Dr. I usually am

Bit naff iyam.

Getting back to Fergie's face, I thought the headline Swede one Beetroot nil was excellent work.

I've had loads recently supposedly from the Bank of Scotland or Alliance & Leicester saying I need to confirm all my account details and passwords with them.