Ayatollah Hermione

Lovely stuff. Well, not lovely but laying it all out like that. Mike Ashley has no defence in any of this as he’s proven that he’s incapable of any kind of sensible decision making for 12 years now.

Odds shortening on Scott Dann signing which means there's money being laid on it from somewhere. Losing Schar and replacing him with Scott Dann would be a real power move. You'd swear we were trying to get relegated in some kind of Producers-style scheme.

This is where I am with it. If he's the one who takes the players to China, he'll be there when we play Arsenal.

What it shines a light on is how woefully incompetent everything continues to be. If that's true, we don't have a manager and they've had two months to look for one.

What a belter

Right next to "JOHNSON VOWS TO GIVE NORTH A VOICE IN CABINET"

At least if he’s sacked in 3 months, we can call him QUICKIE Sanchez Flores!

John Mulaney is a very funny man.

50 million valuation apparently. Tbf, they’re the one team stupid enough to pay it.

Re-read that sentence you've just typed out and think about if it's true.

Aye, so a far better appointment than Neil Redfearn will be.

John McCririck taking a dirt NAP. Get it? Like horse racing bets but also what death is.

Aye, what’s the common denominator with the three bids? Initial confidence making way to frustration when Ashley gets involved in the negotiations. He’ll pocket another 60-70 million this summer, he’s like a pig in shit.

Woke up in a cold sweat because I had a dream we signed Shane Long.

AH DIVVENT AM NOT GAN BACK TIL FATTY'S AWAY

Bollocks. And I'm not even drunk.

Stranger Things Season 3. It's always been style over substance but they've practically forgot the substance at all now.

They probably asked Paco to hand his in on the way out so they can flog it on.

Imagine if it was the pope? The headline could have been "Blast from Stromboli Makes Ravioli out of Captain Holy" RIP and all that.

Yes, I'd recommend your posts to anyone struggling to sleep.

I can think of one

I very much appreciate the Looney Tunes nature of his death, there. I hope he tries to drive his car through a tunnel, only to find it's been painted on the side of a mountain by a road runner.

Classic "Sign him so he doesn't score past us" scouting from Leicester.

Americans struggling with not being right condescending pricks is always a highlight of any sporting event that they've become good at, purely because nobody else can be arsed to go swimming that much.

Phil Neville just got beat by a WOMAN