Ayatollah Hermione

Haven’t even got anyone lined up

Didn’t get a card in the end. Got there 15 minutes late so missed the boring bit and got stuck straight into the scran. A success of a day all around.

Garry Monk ffs His sole achievement was beating Man United and then it’s went tits up ever since. We’re not even hunting the Premier League dregs, it’s the worst of the Championship.

I think you’ll find I wear them in Sunderland Airpor—oh, wait

I feel like my years have piss-taking have warranted this response, fair play.

What does everyone normally write in a card for a Christening? I usually put “All the best” in ones for my mates bairns as a laugh but I need to be a bit more professional this time. This is the kind of small, inconsequential shit that fills me with terror

Good game, like but Foden is a clear step above. Abraham not starting either game after the season he's had is bizarre, either. Romania look like they have some canny players, I can feel myself wasting a fiver on them getting to the Euro Quarters.

Obviously, it isn't real but let's pretend it is. 1. What ten-year-old has handwriting like that? 2. Who had a child in 2009 and called it Jim? 3. The formatting of that letter betrays his years. 4. It's "sincerely", you little bellend.

I see the defending is fucking shocking throughout all England's international levels, fuck me That Jonjoe Kenny has been dogshit every time I've seen him.

Now is a nice time to remind people you can get them on DHGate for a tenner. Either they’re the most convincing snides I’ve ever seen or they’ve been pinched from a sweatshop before they head out for delivery. Either way, I’ve got them from there for 5-a-side for the past two years.

Didn't the three relegated clubs also play them in the Championship two seasons ago? Hardly much to be scared of if they're a league lower now.

Excuses in early.

Just hope to catch Blackpool on a sunny day and save your money

I feel like every kit maker is now going for the Nigeria effect from the last World Cup. Which straddled the line between seizure-inducing neon patterns and genuinely striking kit design without being ridiculously garish. Every other attempt has failed.

Looks alright with a Photoshop suite worth of filters and a model wearing it. Wait until Big Barry from Byker is wearing an XXL and bursting out of it at the match.

Phil Foden is absolutely class. He’s surely going to force his way into the Man City Team this season.

As for what I'm doing post-Brexit, I'm heading to Norway to earn 25,000 grand a year cleaning curling rinks.

Hearing that lot talk about the environment when they all secretly couldn't give a fuck because they'll be dead when the shit hits the fan properly is enough to make you self-harm. Johnson seemed to have a very tenuous grasp of the concept, in general. Banging on about noise pollution ffs.

Current takeover update: Some Arab kid has pretended to be ITK on Twitter, saying the deal is complete and the Chronicle are sliding into his DMs for the inside scoop Absolutely no shame.

"Volley Goals" Otherwise known as "volleys"

Who's the butterface?

I hope he went to the training ground to have a big poo on his desk lol

WHY ARE JAPAN IN THE AMERICA CUP

Speak for yourself, a baccy buzz after 8 pints definitely does me good.