acrossthepond

Yes, I'm racist against my own people, you're right. You caught me!

I wanted us to sign him before he ever went to Leicester. Great player. There's just, you know, these small matters, and then there was this. All of which will rapidly be forgiven when he scores his first goal in black and white, and I will change my avatar to the Algerian flag.

Nice to see you, Gene, you old semicolon-botherer. Do fuck off.

Three brackets above the like of Joselu. Class player, definitely won't wear black and white this window. Mirror linked us to Sandro Ramirez from Everton, another flop we shouldn't be going anywhere near. Out of all the strikers we've been linked for, I'd go for Ings. Safra has scored a few goals, enough to make me think he's worth spending whatever pennies Mike finds down the back of the sofa, at least to the end of the season.

"I tried to get down to brass tacks but he was too busy puking chicken tikka into one of his empty pint glasses. Number eleven or twelve, I couldn't tell you which. He appeared to think I was referring to our waiter when I mentioned Rafa. Later he had the poor bloke by the front of his shirt bellowing that 'Pards got a fackin' away win at City playing Aarons.' When I mentioned January signings he turned green and excused himself, though I can't be sure if that was just the chicken tikka again."

Didn't even know he was playing until now. Time to pull our collective finger out.

I'd go on record as saying there's no chance we will swap Mbemba for Diafra Sakho. It's a hard pass on Hernandez as well, he's well off the pace and Gayle is essentially a fitter version of him. None of this matters as we have absolutely no budget and intend to sign no fucker but it's nice to at least pretend we might have some activity in this market.

Is that what all Middle Eastern business deals are, like?

Aye, we should have more Norwegians immigrate, because they're breaking down the doors to get in. Get to fuck. These are some of the worst, most blatantly racist comments since Wilson, a hundred years ago. This man is a hate criminal who isn't fit to shine Washington's and Jefferson's shoes. He is no more worthy to be president than Jefferson Davis, George Wallace, Strom Thurman, or the other fossils of the past that we had nearly left behind.

Coquelin and Elneny supposedly available at Arsenal - maybe we shift Shelvey, who Rafa plainly feels he can't rely on, and sign one of them? They would take up Hayden's role and let Merino play more of the creator. I don't like the idea of selling Shelvey to a relegation rival (West Ham, as has been mooted by the rags) in mid-season at all, but who are our saleable assets? Niasse is also meant to be available, he's hardly a world-beater but he's scored enough at PL level in two questionable sides to make me think he would be a useful acquisition. Ulloa and Musa as well from Leicester although I'm not really sure if either of them are better than what we currently have.

Penalty for Sheffield United was a flagrant double hit as well, that one could've been corrected in 15 seconds. There will still be shades of grey and areas of interpretation for refs to handle, but obvious, clear and present violations of the rules of the game should be getting fixed in real time, not belatedly overturned by a panel or tried via Sky Sports jury.

When you think about some of the truly mind-blowing officiating errors (Beye red v. Man City, dire offside goal award for Bournemouth a few weeks ago, Tiote disallowed goal v. Man City, "ghost goals" that have been given, Henry handball v. ROI, yellow card for Ben Thatcher after GBH on Pedro Mendes) that have single-handedly wrecked games, how can you not support this system? Of course it will have some bugs to work out at the start but it'll be good for the game long term.

I wouldn't spend a penny on him if we had Man City's budget, let alone the £10 asda voucher budget Rafa's going to get this January.

Richly deserved. I'd hate to have been born a Stoke fan, dear me what a dire club.

Get in!

A certain penalty. Then, if somehow it wasn't, it was advantage from Choupo's foul on Murphy just before he played the ball and we should have a free kick. Ref's pissed to be at the Potteries on New Year's.

In fairness I don't think that foul by Allen merited a yellow, I think it was the ref making up for his earlier mistake.

Murphy off for Joselu. Never thought I'd say this but we need some height in this game, our front line are like Gulliver's fucking travels. Ref has waved play on for 2 yellow card fouls now and forgotten to give the card.

Because Jonjo can kick football good but he not very smart.

I don't fancy Manquillo, that walking disaster, against Shaqiri. The defending down our left has been questionable all game. Ritchie can't seem to keep his feet either.

You wouldn't know about that, because of course, you aren't Thompers/CabayeAye/DesmondTutu/everyone else you've pretended not to be.

The howler from Saivet actually seemed to put a rocket up his arse, he played like someone with something to prove. Good on him. We've looked more threatening since Gayle has been returned to the starting line-up but most of our good opportunities still come from out wide. If we had some reliable quality in the middle of the pitch too, we'd be a lot better off than we are.

I'm Egyptian man, I despise Algerian footballers. Deal.