Gemmill

I see Everton lost in a behind closed door against non league Chester in the week. The game was to get Calvert-Lewin minutes, as explained by Dyche: “It’s just another negative story that everyone is baying for,” said Dyche of the result. “The story behind that is the truth, which is: ‘Can we get Dominic Calvert-Lewin minutes on a pitch in a more competitive manner?’ Which we did. That has to be the focus and you can’t start changing the focus. Did he look sharp? Yes. Did he play well? Yes. Could he have scored? Yes, numerous times. But was he in there to score? Yes. Did he come through it unscathed? Yes. Is he cool? Yes. Cool as in injury-free, not cool as in … I’ve seen his gear.”

I don't know about paradoxes but I'm assuming you are absolutely shitting bricks about this Sunday's game.

It's impossible to go into games worrying about the opposition whilst simultaneously having a giant penis, which is why I'm not even remotely concerned about this lot.

I'm looking to Joelinton to snap Kane in half early doors. I think that will boost our chances. Other than that I'm just looking forward to a very relaxing win.

Published alongside a letter to Raab from Sunak detailing how gutted he is that he had to resign, and what a great lad he is.

Maxi still in France. Will miss this one apparently.

It on Sky News. Published an hour ago. If you can't find it, I CAN'T HELP YOU. https://news.sky.com/story/nato-allies-agree-ukraine-will-become-member-12862389#amp_tf=From %1%24s&aoh=16820661059206&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fnews.sky.com%2Fstory%2Fnato-allies-agree-ukraine-will-become-member-12862389

Good. He's a fucking incompetent plank anyway even without all the bullying shit. Now let's see the report.

Renton is GLAKE NEWS.

https://news-sky-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/nato-allies-agree-ukraine-will-become-member-12862389?amp_gsa=1&amp_js_v=a9&usqp=mq331AQIUAKwASCAAgM%3D#amp_tf=From %1%24s&aoh=16820661059206&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fnews.sky.com%2Fstory%2Fnato-allies-agree-ukraine-will-become-member-12862389 It's on Sky News.

Oostenders.

Antonio thoroughly enjoying himself on this week's Footballer's Football Podcast. He's got this thing where he takes the piss out of Wilson saying Howe is his Daddy Eddie cos he never drops him even when he's shit and always bigs him up. Anyway Wilson is a bit subdued this week, moaning about getting beat and how he's not even getting games, so Antonio puts out a plea for him, "Hey Daddy Eddie. Stop doing this to your son! The grounding is OVER, Daddy Eddie!"

Juventus just had a stand closure appeal reversed too after their fans racially abused Lukaku. It pays to be a racist cheat in Italy.

An unmitigated ham snaffler. A remorseless pork addict. A ham javelin thrower. (am I doing this right).

Chapman's nails must be a disgrace btw.

Hopefully we can get involved here and absolutely rip the piss out of these early in the window. Assuming there's anyone Howe is still interested in.

Could be end of the road for Raab today.

I meant the stupid cunt Mcdonald.

Slaven came over to the table and had a bit chat. I hadn't realised he was in the Ireland 1990 WC squad. He made sure to mention it in the 5 minutes he was chatting to us. To be fair, he was decent craic, taking the piss "Are yeez Geordies? Nae morals at your club eh, I was saying to Malcolm McClaren yous lads would have Fred West as your Chairman" and just generally being an alright bloke.

Nicr to see that Simon Grayson has gone on to bigger and better things though. Current manager of Indian Super League club, Bengaluru.

"That teym was an absolewt disgrayuss the dayuh!" (following a pre season friendly with Celtic) Let's have a WATCH Party! Get yourselves on this shit.

"The Dafabet Cup".

I'd forgotten about their connection with the godawful Pigbag BTW. They don't play it when they score anymore, but incredibly it's the music they play when the teams come out and the whole fucking ground sings it.

Decided to start watching Sunderland Til I Die again for the lolz, and within the first ten minutes I've been treated to Prince Andrew being the official opener of their flat pack shithole. The Stadium of Nonce.