Monkeys Fist

Looks like Madonna has turned herself in to Violet Beauregard

But she’s thirty fi… Oh- now then.

I should probably say it was an emergency caesarean- not just your run-of-the-mill distended minge. I think the way I described it to my brother at the time was “ an explosion in a butcher’s shop.”

Well, on your birthday 16yrs ago, I had a front row seat to the Technicolor gizzards of Mrs.F as young Ms.F , who shares your birthday, was being dug out of her. I’m chauffeuring her and her mates to their Prom at SJP this Friday and I’ll make sure I regale them all with the same tale.

Do you mean the singer out of the band? I know her name

Mind, he might be doing a bit moonlighting there since they brought in extra scribes at Thompson house…

Always had him down as Black Garter/ Clock regular, since the Adelphi closed. Takes his narcs to the Quayside ‘Spoons when a bit of class and discretion are called for.

I’ve been a bit absent in here lately because…well… … Mrs F. was in a car accident three weeks ago and has been in a coma ever since. ( I know, I know, it’s serious). So, yesterday the Consultant took me to one side and said ” Fist lad, we’ve tried everything, and she’s not responding. Usually I’d have the chat with you about withdrawing life-support, but I was at a meeting yesterday and a colleague told me about a method of coma revival he’s seen great results from- it’s not guaranteed, but I think it’s worth a shot. It’s also a bit… unconventional.” Obviously I was on it, and said “Whatever it takes, big man. “ ” Right”, he said, “ Get in their and give her some oral sex . 5 minutes is usually enough to bring her round” In I went. After 4 minutes all the heart monitors and blood pressure gizmos started bleeping and buzzing so I ran out to the ward “ What happened ?” said big doc? “ I think after a minute she started choking doc, but you said 5 so I carried on pumping” You’re all welcome at the wake- Newcastle Labour Club. I’ll be at the bar, with a vodka and coke, waiting.

Almost as many pop-ups as the Knight Ryder’s kegs on student night in Flares.

Btw, @Renton, if you’d kindly pop over to their online asylum and let them know that “ Mackems didn’t exist before 1992”, I’ve got my window open and I’m listening for the fewm. Cheers

My old man used to drive us past their old training ground in Washington on the way to see our Grandad, and he’d regularly shout “ Dorty mackems!” out the window at them. This was back in the early 1970s.

Cost a fortune to feed him and his mate Gnimosabe’s horses though. They go everywhere together.

Fyp, ya flamin’ galah!

It’s a lucky dip with Thai’s - you never know what you’ll get, sword or sheath?

Fyp

Cheers lads So far my best option seems to be getting one off the wrist of a Thai masseur then- I’ll just run that past Mrs. F…

Right then chaps- trapped nerves. Anyone had any success in freeing them? I’ve had one which has affected my left arm for nearly a fortnight, nerve pain in my upper arm, numbness and pins and needles in my forearm and hand ( insert stranger-wank jokes here) Seen doc today who’s response was a bit pish tbh- “ take some painkillers and see how it goes” Any suggestions? ( insert “stop tearing the neck off it “ jokes here).

Prince William is launching a major five-year campaign to end homelessness, which he says should not exist in a "modern and progressive society".