What mood are you in and why?

[Kitman 2188]

I think I mentioned her before in here, she is half-chinese, half-filipino, met her at a party and she was texting me like crazy afterwards, 'OOHH YOU SUCH UNIQUE WONDERFULL PERSOONNNN OHHHH SOOOO MUCH FUN TO BE WITH SOOOO UNIQUE I APPRECIATESS YOUUU YOU ARE PART OF MY FAMILY NOOWWWW SOOOO MUCH FUNNY TO BE WITH' ad nauseum.

 

So, given that I had adopted my new philosophy of never turning down the opportunity of sex, I decided to try my luck and texted her saying, 'are you free tonight? I have a free house, why don't you come round and we can make a baby so you can have a UK visa?' This was in keeping with the humour I had established the night before. She texted me back saying 'WHAT YOU MEEN MAKE BABY? I AM NOT SLUTTY GIRRLLL I AM ONLY WANTING TO SETTLE DOWNN HAVE FAMILYYY' ad nauseum (she sends texts in batches of 3 with little chinese smiley face cat things on the end, and constantly employs LMFAOOOOO HEHEHEHE BUAHAHAHAHAHA and other such banalities).

 

Basically I persevered and explained we were both young, we should have some fun while we are young before I get too old and my penis isn't functioning. We eventually met up at a hotel and fucked, and we've fucked a total of 20 hours now. I have had one orgasm during that time, and I ended up just wanking myself off for that one. She contributes absolutely nothing in the way of effort or anything during sex. In the hotel, she said 'OHHH I AM SOOO SHYYY, NOT USED TO IN THE LIGHTTT' and just lay on her back with her eyes closed while I went about it. I worked my way down fairly quickly to her vagina and started with the cunnilingus, to great effect. If there's a positive, it's that I've gained some good cunnilingus skills now, getting all the thumbs and fingers involved and everything. Being grateful as I was to be getting laid, I was very eager to give her orgasms. I said, 'Did you have a nice orgasm?' and she replied, 'EVERYTINGGGGG'.

 

Then I got started with some penetration. She wasn't supporting my body-weight at all, so after about 15 minutes I was sweating profusely, dripping everywhere. She piped up, 'YOUU.... WANT ME ON TOPP?' I said yeah sure, then she started up with that fucking helicopter business. My balls were aching the whole day after. During the next session I bent her over a table and took her from behind so I didn't have to support my whole weight, but I could see that this kind of penetration alone would not stimulate her enough for her to come. So on saturday, I lay her up on the edge of the bed and popped her legs over my shoulders and got to work. I reached over with my hands and got my thumbs (one at a time, alternating) working her clitoris at the same time. She started screaming and shit and ended up having a multiple orgasm and ejaculating after a prolonged time in this position. She was dripping on the bed, did I mention this was my parents bed? She was upset that during 4 encounters I had not yet come, so I ended up wanking myself off and accidentally sprayed a bit on the bed and her face. This took fucking ages though as she insisted on blowing me intermittently and she basically just grates my penis with her teeth, it's not that painful, but she has braces and I don't really want them on my penis. The one thing I am thankful of is that she has a clean vagina, because the last woman I was in bed with turned out to be a ponger and that killed any chance of sex, especially given that I like to start with the cunnilingus. I just pulled her knickers down, got one whiff and said, 'no thanks love, I'm going to sleep.'

 

[Gejon 2]

That's some funny shit

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

 

I particularly liked "we've fucked a total of 20 hours now". Have you got an app on your phone or something?

 

I only started timing it because we spent 5 hours in that hotel bonking, and I didn't come. It became obvious early on that I may not be able to climax in the presence of this woman, so I started a tally of hours per orgasm for me. We were on 20 hours for one orgasm. After this morning thats 24 hours and 2 orgasms, but both times I've had to just wank myself off because she just lies there like an invalid and only responds to stimulation of the clitoris. When I get going on her clit with oral or the thumbs, she starts screaming, and after she comes she goes nuts and jumps up on me, starts biting my ears and arms and ramming her tongue down my throat in an uncomfortable manner.

[Gejon 2]

A lass would have to have razor blades in her clunge to stop be unloading after a maximum of 10 minutes.

 

Do you wank 7 times a day, that might explain it.

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

I dunno, there's something a bit off about her vagina. It feels like a clam on my penis. I'm just happy it doesn't stink or taste bad; it tastes like noodles, so cunnilingus is quite pleasant for me also, which is nice. I did explain the whole thing about the helicopter technique which left me with enough pain in my genitals to prevent me from climaxing; the pain lingered on throughout the next day. I've managed to stop her doing all that, and also to stop gnawing at my bellend with her teeth and braces, but she's still getting a lot more out of it than I am.

[Gejon 2]

Are you sure 'she' hasn't been through any 'changes' in her life.

 

I would imagine that would feel a bit different.

[Meenzer 14069]

Indoctrinate her wrong 'un, obviously. It's what Jesus would want you to do.

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

I saw an interview with someone who worked in porn and they said the women would fast the day before an anal scene and get enemas etc, if they failed to do so there would be a very real possibility of getting poo everywhere, splattering all over the penis, etc. I have told of the problems I have had with my stool on here, these things together really put me off anal. The arse I know best is my own, and it would be an unimaginable torture for someone to put their cock up it; they would probably top themselves if the smell didn't kill them.

 

Something I didn't mention about her is that she always brings tonnes of food whenever we meet up to have sex. When we first went to that hotel, we got in the room and she started taking cans of coke, cupcakes, and packets of crisps out of her bag and saying, 'ARE YOU HUNGRYYY? MAYBE WE EATT FIRST??' I was just pissing myself; needless to say, none of that crap got eaten. Today she brought crabs, noodles and popcorn, and cooked crab omelette and turkey spring rolls while I was having a shower to get ready. My kitchen is fucked. There's fucking crab and rice everywhere, all over the fucking sink and the pans are all filthy. Anyway, she doesn't seem to me to be a suitable candidate for anal. I don't want my penis covered in fucking crab shit and turkey. She's not up for it anyway, I did ask her just to query.

[Gemmill 34632]

I'm just happy it doesn't stink or taste bad; it tastes like noodles, so cunnilingus is quite pleasant for me also, which is nice.

 

You should take some chopsticks down there with you. At the very least, ask for a slice of orange and a hot towel for when you finish.

[Barney 0]

This thread is great. Cheers KSA.

 

Keep the noodle porn coming.

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

It's over After the bunga bunga session she wanted to stay with me all day, and was following me round, sitting on my knee, and frequently biting me (apparently this is a Filipino thing, she kept saying, 'I LOVES BITING YOU'), which was really fucking annoying. So I asked her if she was going now, given that my right leg was going into spasms after she'd been sat on it for over ten minutes and biting my bloody arm and neck. She said, 'OOOHHH SOO YOU WANT ME TO GOO? I DON'T MIND I WILL JUST BE GOINGG THEN.' I think that hit home the true nature of our relationship; even though I've told her from the outset that it is just casual sex and 'don't get to like me too much' I don't think she could help herself, especially after I whizzed my tongue round her fanny. She's text me now saying that she doesn't want to continue having casual sex because she falls in love really easily and we're not well matched.

[Gemmill 34632]

She'll be back.

[Gejon 2]

It's over After the bunga bunga session she wanted to stay with me all day, and was following me round, sitting on my knee, and frequently biting me (apparently this is a Filipino thing, she kept saying, 'I LOVES BITING YOU'), which was really fucking annoying. So I asked her if she was going now, given that my right leg was going into spasms after she'd been sat on it for over ten minutes and biting my bloody arm and neck. She said, 'OOOHHH SOO YOU WANT ME TO GOO? I DON'T MIND I WILL JUST BE GOINGG THEN.' I think that hit home the true nature of our relationship; even though I've told her from the outset that it is just casual sex and 'don't get to like me too much' I don't think she could help herself, especially after I whizzed my tongue round her fanny. She's text me now saying that she doesn't want to continue having casual sex because she falls in love really easily and we're not well matched.

 

 

Ouch! Plenty more fish and all that.

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

Well there are a billion chinamen, so another shouldn't be too hard to come by, though she was hard to come by, took me 20 fucking hours. She'd been telling her workmates we'd been going for romantic meals and walks and we were waiting till we got to know each other well before we consummated our relationship, so perhaps she was upset that I didn't want anything else beyond sex.

[Monkeys Fist 38840]

I'm just happy it doesn't stink or taste bad; it tastes like noodles, so cunnilingus is quite pleasant for me also, which is nice.

 

You should take some chopsticks down there with you. At the very least, ask for a slice of orange and a hot towel for when you finish.

Umami fanny. Classic.

[Kitman 2188]

It's over After the bunga bunga session she wanted to stay with me all day, and was following me round, sitting on my knee, and frequently biting me (apparently this is a Filipino thing, she kept saying, 'I LOVES BITING YOU'), which was really fucking annoying. So I asked her if she was going now, given that my right leg was going into spasms after she'd been sat on it for over ten minutes and biting my bloody arm and neck. She said, 'OOOHHH SOO YOU WANT ME TO GOO? I DON'T MIND I WILL JUST BE GOINGG THEN.' I think that hit home the true nature of our relationship; even though I've told her from the outset that it is just casual sex and 'don't get to like me too much' I don't think she could help herself, especially after I whizzed my tongue round her fanny. She's text me now saying that she doesn't want to continue having casual sex because she falls in love really easily and we're not well matched.

 

Nooooooooooo! Tell her there's a bored bunch of strangers on a football forum who are waiting for the next instalment, that'll bring her running back.....

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

She accidentally texted me some of the stories she'd been sending to her workmates about me, so I thought it would be ok to discuss stories about her also. I did tell her that. Didn't say it was on a random internet forum like, but I suppose it's an equivalent to facebook.

[McFaul 35]

She accidentally texted me some of the stories she'd been sending to her workmates about me, so I thought it would be ok to discuss stories about her also. I did tell her that. Didn't say it was on a random internet forum like, but I suppose it's an equivalent to facebook.

Do you believe it was an accident?

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

Yeah, she's occasionally sent me texts meant for her family by accident, in Tagalog (filipino), so I believe it. She's glued to a fucking Ipad and constantly on facebook. Asians love gadgets. The text was full of bollocks as well, so I don't believe it was intended for me. This was while we were still bonking. I took it as license to tell my story of 20 hours bonking without climaxing and other stuff, people seem to think it's funny anyway. Most of the reason why I persevered in persuading her to have sex with me in the first place was because I thought it'd be a funny experience.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Kevin S. Assilleekunt

[NJS 3986]

I get the feeling I'm going a bit (more) insane - I think I posted a couple of weeks ago that I'd noticed more than one SSN presenter pronounces "sixth" as "sickth" and its starting to drive me mental as I get the feeling they all do it and it must be company policy. I'm sure the other night when they showed the table whoever it was said "and Blackburn stay sickteenth".

 

Spotted another one earlier and thought about sending an email to complain - think I need to get out the house.

[McFaul 35]

Feel agitated today. Finding it hard to work because all the lazy bastard bosses I need to speak to around the country seem to have fucked off on holiday. A few people are getting on my tits as well, at my work as well as other pish. Need a drink.

[Gemmill 34632]

You should have taken the three days off. I've just been lying out the back in the sun, alternating between reading and listening to my ipod.

[Gemmill 34632]

I get the feeling I'm going a bit (more) insane - I think I posted a couple of weeks ago that I'd noticed more than one SSN presenter pronounces "sixth" as "sickth" and its starting to drive me mental as I get the feeling they all do it and it must be company policy. I'm sure the other night when they showed the table whoever it was said "and Blackburn stay sickteenth".

 

Spotted another one earlier and thought about sending an email to complain - think I need to get out the house.

 

You're six in the head.

[McFaul 35]

You should have taken the three days off. I've just been lying out the back in the sun, alternating between reading and listening to my ipod.

I always took you as being multi-faceted, can ye not dee both at the same time like? I know you're right I didn't plan this week well at all, still I shouldn't moan, I started in March and they're still giving me the standard annual 25 days hols, 20 days at me last company. Just people in the sun having fun, and I'm fucking being patronised by wanky air con engineers in Preston!

[Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1]

Looks like I'll be having a Chinese again tonight, she's been texting me. Great timing as well; I was about to have a wank, I'll just save my energy now.