ewerk 26765 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McFaul 35 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Some of the Carver patter is sooooooo close to home when some people used to get mortal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39136 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howay 12496 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Class as always HMHM and that tweet is brilliant too, what a fucking knacker this bloke is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 20105 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monroe Transfer 0 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-head-coach-john-carver-9332981 Unless I'm mistaken, he's using quotes from after the West Ham game to put out an article today about how his mate Carver wants the job. Jesus wept, man. He's to journalism what Carver is to managing a football club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trooper 940 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Thanks HMHM excellent you could just imagine thats how it was round at Carvers on sunday neet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohhh_yeah 2795 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 They may as well split his wage between two or so of the mag writers or something, even on top of their normal jobs they could find the time to write better, more insightful articles than the former footsoldier. They have posted a vacancy notice. Newcastle United FC Writer Job Introduction: We’re looking for a writer to join our Newcastle United team in our digital newsroom in Newcastle. This a rare and exciting opportunity to be part of our award-winning set-up. The successful candidate will be someone who can generate first-class NUFC content and help ensure our website, social media platforms and apps are engaging, comprehensive turn-to sources for football fans. Role Responsibility: We’re after someone who knows what gets sports fans talking and will make them realise they have to visit us every day to be in the know. The job involves delivering masses of high quality, well-researched, accurate and brilliantly-written football packages on a daily basis to agreed deadlines as directed by the NUFC Editor, to whom you’ll report. You’ll know how to write in a way which drives digital audience and will be as comfortable providing live coverage of matches and breaking football news as you are writing long-form pieces or a list of Newcastle's top transfer targets. You will be able to turn some Opta stats or financial figures into a compelling piece of content – or see the angle in an obscure piece of Youtube footage or social media post. The Ideal Candidate: The ability to build strong contacts is a must and you'll be prolific on social media, knowing that getting a great story is only the start - you need to find the best way to share it, too. An understanding of SEO and the ability to shoot video and audio would be an advantage, although training can be provided. Flexible hours are vital in this job - and you’ll be expected to keep traffic levels up during international breaks and the close season. If you have the right skills to bring to this exciting opportunity, please apply by June 10. Package Description: We offer a competitive salary and benefits package, good careers prospects and an opportunity to work in one of the top teams in regional journalism. http://jobsearch.trinitymirror.com/jobs/job/Newcastle-United-FC-Writer/4829 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39136 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Cock-eyed Mala has been told the job's his. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6441 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 MAKO gerrin there son! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 27453 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 HF would be a shoo-in if he could stomach being told the score by a certain chronic writer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 27453 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Mako. Send Mako to report to Ryder for duty. Mako can tell him where he's going wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaddockLad 14860 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Mako can write a long, long list telling Thomson House where they're going wrong. That should win friends and influence people on his first day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 27453 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Mako is also 'prolific'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39136 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Editor, every day- " I said 5000 words, MAXIMUM!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makom 0 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 That advert is so ridiculous, I initially thought it was a joke. Nobody could hope to meet its requirements, not even a genius like myself. Not while Ashley is running NUFC and Lee Ryder is your boss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 27453 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 10/06/2015 'Well now, well now' as Lee Cattermole's dad once nearly said, what an amazing day at the cathedral on the hill, new managers and a blood letting of the coaching staff! Ah got a tip off something big was happening when ah looked out the window of Thompson House and saw a Sky camera crew driving past, ah did think it strange that they were onto it before me as ah'd obviously gone above and be-fucking-yond helping the club out and Carvs in particular owed me big time. Ah also knew Lee Charnley was over the fucking moon with my fake Colo letter and if anything was happening I'd be the numero uno, top banana to find out. But......there were the sky bozo's heading up to Casa St. James'.......Hmmmmn. Anyways, ah thought Lee must've got waylaid and couldn't give me a bell so ah decided to grab the black & white bull by the horns and raced up to Gallowgate to find oot the Geordie roar. As ah left Thompson House a Harry Bamp was sitting ootside, stinking of piss and begging for some dosh. The tramp said, "Howay, Mister! can ya spare iz some money for some scran and a few Charlie Chans? Ah'm a Toon Army veteran, wor kid." Ah looked down properly at him wondering if ah'd recognise him from away day skirmishes I'd heard about when ah clocked the dial of none other than our recently departed interim coach, John 'Carvs' Carver! "Fuck me!" ah says, "What ya deeing begging, John?" Carvs replied that he'd built an extension on his house expecting to pay it off when he got the job full time and he owed Billy the Brick ten grand with no way to pay it. "Lee, man, if ah divvent raise the extra coin for Billy he'll gan fucking radge and ah've heard too many tales aboot what he can dee with that jagged edge spirit level of his that would have you touching cloth, wor kid." Poor John, but poor Lee Ryder as well, this useless cunt was my meal ticket for the next few years and the daft cunt went and got himself sacked! What was ah ganna dee now? What ah was ganna dee was bung Carvs a tenner for owld times sake so he could get himself a few cans then ah was up to see who the new supremo was going to be. Ah got to the reception and the lass says to me, "Sorry Lee, media partners only." Ah replied, "Wha, what? Ya having a fucking giraffe, like, aren't ya? After ah'll the stuff ah've done lately? This is the thanks ah get? Ah'll fucking have words with Penfold next time ah see the cunt. Ya can tell him that anaal!" Ah was aboot to carry on when ah saw a certain ginger quiff entering the SJP netty through the glass window down the corridor. Ah then turned the tap on the famous Knight Ryder charm that ah knaa the fanny lap up. Ah winked and said, "How, pet, ah've got to siphon the Python if ya knaa what ah mean? Ah need to water the bog plants with me Geordie man-hose if ya catch me drift?" While she looked at iz in stunned admiration ah nipped into the corridor and opened the bog door just as Schteve was putting his John Thomas away. Ah grabbed the initiative and his hand and shook it firmly. "Ryder, Lee Ryder. Top dog at the Evening Chronicle." Schteve, said, "Err, Lee is it? You might want to wash your hands, son because I, err.... haven't!". Anyways, warmed by Stevey Mac's concern not to mention his warm urine, ah did an imprompteded, err, an imprompadoo, err, a quick interview. Ah got in when all doors were locked to the former FC Twente boss and made sure my loyal readers got the Ryder take on the new man with a few words from Schteve himshelf, as they say in ol' Amshterdam! Lol! Ryder and fucking out! Edited June 10, 2015 by Howmanheyman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39136 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Alchy Oliver will be shedding tears of pride for his protégé. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 HF would be a shoo-in if he could stomach being told the score by a certain chronic writer.Just seen it. Gutted I missed the deadline. Could have printed of Ryder's diary entries and left them on his desk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 10122 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Poor John, but poor Lee Ryder as well, this useless cunt was my meal ticket for the next few years and the daft cunt went and got himself sacked! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 27453 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Lee Ryder misses out on another club exclusive, it's almost as if they think he's a talentless hack. i wonder what his take in his diary will reveal about being out-scooped by a colleague The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half 12/06/2015 Well after the radio silence put on yours truly and the Thompson House scribblers in general, word came out that we'd get sloppy seconds on a Steve McClaren interview. Punters reading this might think, 'lee, what's the big deal?You're a fucking lyrical gangster of regional sports writing, you're getting the interview even if it's a day later than the rest?' Ah love me punters, me loyal readers, they're the people who got me where I am by reading my shit hot pure fucking gold dust toon stuff, but bless them, they don't understand the snub the Ronny Gill had to swallow by getting this interview after the rest. Anyways, after hearing about us getting invited up to Casa Saint Jimmys for a belated interview with Schteve from Margaret on the reception desk ah dusted meself down, got my dictaphone and notepad and pen and headed out of THHQ ready to catch up with Schteve where ah left off in the bogs. Ah left the building only to see Gibbo and Mark 'Duggy' Douglas chatting in the street. As ah got near them ah heard Gibbo say to Duggy, "Give me a ring when you're finished. Ah'll see you in the Bacchus after you interview McClaren, Mr Glenfiddich for me if yer buying!" Ah couldn't believe this shit again! Ah piped up, "Am ah fucking hearing things again, here, like?! Ah gets part one of a quick interview with Schteve despite not being invited, and your sending Duggy to do part two of a proper sitty doon interview? Last time we got the Charnley interview ya gave it to fucking Neil Cameron! Divvent give iz that 'But Lee, the fans want to hear your toon/retro/man of the people' shite again, it just doesn't wash, this time!" John replied, "Err, calm doon, kidda, calm doon! Last time ah thought it would do Cams the power of good to get out of your shadow! Same this time with Duggy! You're the main man, Lee! The top dog of the Thompson House sports stable! The two lads need to have a go themselves! Plus it wouldn't be fair on Steve to get the full Monty Ryder grilling in only his first week Would it?" Ah couldn't fucking believe this shit, like. Gibbo thought I was the top dog of the Thompson House stable? Wow. A real compliment from a Ronny Gill legend! Ah thought, ah well, let Duggy have the interview. Good experience for the kid. Ah then made a quick phone call to Steve Wraith asking him for a quick chat with Pav about THAT entertainers side, seeing that Wraith was somehow Pav's agent. After a very tense ten minute call between former Toon Army foot soldier Ryder and former bouncer and one time general acquaintance of the Krays, Wraith, we settled on a twenty note deal to get Pav's new number that the baldy cunt made Pav change his phone to. Ah got another great retro toon tale and poor Duggy had to decipher Scteve's nonsense interview as the daft ginger twat still thought he was half Dutch. Lol! Laters, diary! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howay 12496 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 "Am ah fucking hearing things again, here, like?! I can actually imagine him saying that. Class as always HMHM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 26765 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 39136 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 35332 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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