Howmanheyman

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 20/10/2014 Things getting pretty serious today, after a slow start, Ah gets a ring off a NUFC snout of mine who, just like me, has had to move underground after being labelled a danger to the regime at the Cathedral on the hill, St. James' Park. He's an ex-NUFC starlet who must remain anonymous as he signed a confidentiality agreement so we meet in the murky world of North Shields in a little Italian restaurant which was recommended to me by Mr Eats in the Thomson house bait room last week. It's late as my nark comes through the door at Sambucas looking agitated. "What you got for me?" I ask him, my mouth full of the potato wedges and garlic sauce, part of the three course £3.99 special. He then tells me of a dressing room bust up between Ben Arfa and Skipper, El Capo Colo. It's pretty explosive stuff which will be on the front and back page tomorrow of the old Ronnie Gill. Apparently Colo was bending to tie his laces up when the former Fontainebleau academie sensation squeezed a tube of the Argentines hair gel straight down the crack of his arse! There was hell on and I quickly realised I had the run on the likes of Caulkin for a change. "Right! great stuff Remi! That was right up my 'Streete', here's the fifty bar I promised, if John Gibson asks, tell him it's just for the tab at The Bacchus." He just tells me to "fuck off you baldy bastard" and not mention his name again. The strain of being on the outside is obviously breaking this kid, Ryder's made of sterner stuff though. I race back to the Cloth Market to write up my latest scoop and pass ex-Toon goal assassin, Micky Quinn on the stairs. "Come 'ead, La" I smile at the Scouse number nine and he jokes back, "Fuck off, son, I've an appointment with Stella and a few of her mates and you're name's not down". Great craic, Quinny, we bounce off each other great. The North East sleeps tonight in blissful ignorance of 'Hairgel-gate' that is awaiting them in the morning, courtesy of former terrace Mag, Lee Ryder of the Evening Chronicle. I set the alarm to go off early when I get home to bed in case I get that call from Alan Brazil first thing as this just has to go national. It's been a good day.

"Paper back Ryder (paperback Ryder) Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my shite? It took me minutes to write, will you take a look? It's based on Henry Winter bowt a scoop he got And I need a job, so I want to be a Guardian writer, Paperback Ryder. It's a dirty story of a dirty man Pards clinging wife doesn't understand. And his nemesis is working for the Ronny Gill, It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback Ryder, Paperback Ryder. Paperback Ryder (Chronicle writer) It's a thousand words, yeah you know the craic, I'll be writing more When Saylor calls me back. I can make it longer, please excuse the shit style, Alan Oliver was my Mentor and I want to be a paperback Ryder, Chronicle writer. If you really like it you can have the rights, It could make your stomach turn overnight. I could be on Sky, on the 'Supplement' But I need a break and I want to be a Guardian writer, Paperback Ryder. Paperback Ryder (Chronicle writer) Paperback Ryder - Chronicle writer Paperback Ryder - Chronicle writer"

Really sorry I couldn't make it, I'll try and get along next time.

Hard to argue with that description.

Save it for the pissed up thread tbh.

Sorry Zanetti, I'm with the Aussie on this one, what a weird reaction from the cockney twat, wonder what Stone made of his manager making the pair of them look two divees?

Just watched their highlights now. :lol: That's up there with some of the worst defending I've ever seen.

WTF?

Apparently it'll be the first time we've not won in the first eight games of a season since 1898 if we fail to get three, sorry, free points today.

Or one of CT's dishes.

Err, guessing Salma whatsa name, Winona Rider or Cath?

WTF?

22:40 - 'Match of the Day' featuring my arse and Owen's face. 23.55 - 'Blankety Blank' featuring Owen's relegation run-in goal record.

Michael Owen stars in the new blockbuster based on the US seventies smash hit tv show: 'Little Shithouse is a Fairy'

PR bollocks and not even good PR.

"Ve vant names!! Any names!! Who played Vito Corleone in the first 'Godfather' film? Who played McMurphy in 'One flew over ze Cuckoo's nest'? ANSWER YOU SCHWEINHUND!!" "I don't know the names of any actors! How many times? Why wont you believe me?!"" "Ve have a Volksvagon truck outside ready outside, ve have a coaching job lined up for you at Newcastle United IF YOU DONT GIVE US SOME NAMES OF ACTORS!!" "Fuck.......Robert Di Nero.......I think he's one........Look, just don't send me there........I played for Liverpool and England, I'm a legend at 'United' as well. Please.....Anywhere but Newcastle."

Watches clips of himself from his playing days for Liverpool and England, admires his sitting technique on Real Madrid's bench, fast forwards his NUFC spell and pretends he played a significant part in Man U's success.

Anyone winning it who hasn't done so for years or getting to the charity shield by being a runner-up would embrace a day out. Imagine taking that away from them? (Especially if they didn't get tickets to the final itself due to FA giving half the tickets to 'friends' of theirs).

Miss out on a trip to Wembley with more supporters able to get a ticket just so the rich clubs can get a bit richer and some foreigners get to experience something we very rarely do? Fuck that.

1910 1924 1932 1951 1952 1955 1969 2014

Glad you're getting on with it, Stevie and you're keeping your spirits high. This is Stevie coping just fine without the bevy though. http://www.jibjab.com/view/TWWNYdHdQgyW1ZN6UrIl5g?mt=1

Thought old huffy flouncy pants needed a prod to come back, mind.

CT dancing in hats including a Panama. http://www.jibjab.com/view/afyeULTHTqeWE-_mhhXOHQ?mt=1 .....Then into his back garden for a house party with bong and dancing. http://www.jibjab.com/view/1RLP_jOnT1e-sv02EO7znA?mt=1

Happy halloween from all at NUFC. http://www.jibjab.com/view/Ida3GLnAS3u9DSiXYJOCHg?mt=1

The wind blows and his tongue just flaps around.