bobbyshinton

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are spot on!"

cheers lads (n lasses) forming a strategy as we speak (type, well me type you read)

cheers lads keep em coming.

Going to London on the 14th for business. Decided I would take Mrs S take a trip round the smoke on Thursday, show on Friday and lo and behold NUFC are playing on the saturday at Charlton. Cushty, organised flights back for Sunday. Applied for match tickets so money is in the post (gone). Now find out (yesterday) the fucking match is on Sunday now Match kicks off 13.30 check in at Stansted opens 17.00 Flight 19.00 question; is it doable? Liverpool street train station, does it have a left luggage facility. Do no not want to take the 3 piece to the match. help

It's racist and untimely so you have been warned the cumbria train driver was interviewed by the police as to his version of what caused the crash.. "muslims..." what on the track? "no on the embankment but i still got the fuckers..."

I might have done this one before, probably on N-O when I lived there A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, . . . . . stick your wooden leg up your arse . . . . .. . and go as a fucking toffee apple.

My mother split from my real father when I was 3, so I never knew him, he died a couple of years ago. Seemingly I have step sisters n brothers. Never been interested in seeing him (especially now ) but when I found out he had died I was a bit upset My mother married the bloke who people class as my dad and I was adopted by him. Always thought him to be a twat but as we get older we get on better. My mother fucked of and left him when I was 14, so the poor bloke was left with someone elses kid so I think he has been good to me (twat) My mother (slut) then married another bloke, stuck up C*nt. he now claims to be my step dad (no way hose) Anyway only parents I have ever got on with are my grand parents who brought me up, and in later years took me in when I was in trouble or needing somewhere to live. Got hoyed out the hoose at 15.

There’s a Christian who’s hiking in the woods one day when he comes upon an angry bear. The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, clearly preparing to charge. In panic, the Christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his heels. Finally the hiker came to a cliff. So he dropped to his knees and asked God to please make this bear a good Christian bear. To the hiker’s amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees and folded his paws together in prayer! "Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the Christian. "Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the bear, . . . . . . . . . . . . . "for this meal I'm about to receive!"

I'm flattered

Trent is shite

Could not go to the gym today, critical with the drink. Spoilt mysel for tonight really tomorrow though, gym, town for a bit of a look round. Drink in toon tom. night. Sunday, gym (sauna n Jacuzzi) chill, read papers. wine in the house. thats all folks whatever you are doing have a good one

Nah that'll be it Zath. You da MAN! Same thing as I said tbh. Here's the full scene for you. From little acorns. I'm just the catalyst for in depth, sensible and interesting threads

still there. It's a magnet

A bird once asked me if I could tell him the way to Sesame Street ? Huge yellow thing it was!

Our friday wine recomendation Touriga Nacional (available from all good wine stockists) "A rich, plummy gold medal winning red is made from Touriga Nacional, one of Portugal’s best grape varieties. It is produced by the talented wine maker José Neiva in his own estate in Estremadura, the region just north of Lisbon. Our robust red will go well with sturdy beef casseroles and roast or Peking duck. As Tim Atkin in The Observer said ‘Portugal’s best indigenous grape is on fantastic form in this oak-scented, structured, richly coloured, almost pruney southern red.’ Modern Portuguese reds like this deserve to be better known." have a nice weekend

Friday recipe Roasted Balsamic Shallots with Parma Ham and Parmesan Ingredients (Serves 4) 2 tbsp olive oil 400g shallots, peeled 2tsp brown sugar Sea salt and black pepper 4 tbsp balsamic vinegar 4 large torn basil leaves 125g sliced Parma ham 60g shavings Parmesan Method Heat olive oil in a heavy-bottomed pan and stir in the shallots. Cover with the lid, and sweat over a low heat for 5-10 minutes. Add the sugar, salt and pepper; cook the shallots very gently for half an hour. Add the vinegar and boil rapidly for about 1 minute. Turn off heat and allow them to cool. Tear in the basil. When cool, place shallots in their own sauce on individual plates, lay the ham on top, scatter with shavings of cheese and serve with crusty local bread. Remember if using hot or sharp equipment always ask a adult to help

Friday bible class. Todays Quote You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You. I would like to thank Isaiah for that contribution Our reading is from Exodus (B Marley) These are the names of the sons of Israel who went to Egypt with Jacob, each with his family: Reuben, Simeon, Levi and Judah; Issachar, Zebulun and Benjamin; Dan and Naphtali; Gad and Asher. The descendants of Jacob numbered seventy in all; Joseph was already in Egypt. Now Joseph and all his brothers and all that generation died, but the Israelites were fruitful and multiplied greatly and became exceedingly numerous, so that the land was filled with them. Todays Hymn is the first two verses of onward christian soldiers, remember our dear Lord Jesus is so lovable and enjoyable, and singing to Him is one of the best ways to express our love to Him, enjoy Him, and be filled with Him. Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war, With the cross of Jesus going on before. Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe; Forward into battle see His banners go! Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war, With the cross of Jesus going on before. At the sign of triumph Satan’s host doth flee; On then, Christian soldiers, on to victory! Hell’s foundations quiver at the shout of praise; Brothers lift your voices, loud your anthems raise. I thank you. Please remember the plate on the way out.

A young woman in North Shields was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Tyne. She went down to the fish quay and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later however, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the Captain replied. "This is the Sheilds Ferry" go on Rents give it up for the fat lad

Anglo Italian Anglo Scottish Texaco Cup

language lets hear one from you M. My dog has no nose. Y. How does it smell? M. Awful. Alright for you? good clean fun. It did not take long and I'm sure someone smiled.

Cough cough here we go cheering up time An American, Australian and Englishman where stranded together on a desert island. After many years together, one day the three men were walking on the beach when they saw an old bottle than had been washed up. Immediatley the American opened the bottle. There was a flash and a loud bang and a Genie appeared. The Genie said" I have been trapped in that bottle for a 1000 years, and as a reward I will give you all one wish" The American straight away said "I want to go back home to New York" With a wave of the Genie's hand, the American disappeared. The Australian said "Please send me back to my home in Sydney" "No Problem", the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappeared. Suddenly there was a loud crash. Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky onto the beach. The elephant picked himself up and looked around. He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said apologetically, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Sorry chaps, I appear to be the wrong joke!" you did not think I would be doing filth did you

language lets hear one from you

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks" she said. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Q: What do you give nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday? . . . . . . . . . A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it! have a good one

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh." The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "It's swollen."