Meenzer

A 73% return on my carefully balanced portfolio. It's no cryptocurrency but it'll do for me!

Basically it's exactly the same as the jury vote - each country gives points from 1-12 to the top ten in their respective phone votes - except instead of going to each country individually to call them in, they lump them all on at the end for dramatic effect. I think the idea is also that it hides some of the worst excesses of neighbourly voting, although the juries are just as bad at that, so I'm not sure it does really. It does mean you have to go on the Eurovision website afterwards and drill down into the data if you want to see how each country's public voted. Which, of course, we have done. The nearest we got to a point with the public was our 14th place in the Maltese vote. Bless you, Valletta. The Polish jury had us 11th though. So near and yet so far.

Low-quality UK export rejected at port of entry

Even then, there's nothing wrong with investing in a Tinkerbell if you treat it as a gamble like any other. It's like backing to lay (or vice versa) on Betfair really. But then I'm in the process of making some tidy pocket money from idiot Eurovision fans so I'm in a good mood where market movements are concerned.

They're not, but I did spend a lot of weekends helping out at Lib Dem jumble sales

I was pretty much the only kid on our street who went to state school, so my folks did their best, but aye.

That's right in my neck of the woods, that is. So to speak. I even went to Beavers in that church hall. (Steady, MF, steady.)

The only gay tradesman we've ever had in was Polish. I might rephrase that sentence.

The inevitable endgame has been reached.

Scott Carson in goal for them. Absolutely ripping the piss.

0-13, Linton double OG hat-trick

Simplified your post. I never cease to be amazed by how utterly shit this process is that almost everyone has to do at least a few times in their life. All the best KD, hope it works out.

The big guns are wading in now, lads

"And that, son, is how I met your mother."

"Newcastle in the last 14/15 years have been in the bottom half of the Premier League". Fuck me, I know I don't like Bruce but I never thought he'd have me wanting to jump in to defend Alan Pardew.

At least they've matched our average attendance this season

Never usually a problem for him

Oh god, more football

If people honestly believe they're voting for change by voting for the party that's been in power for the last ten years, what can you do, really?

Jersey has got parkrun back already, which is the only time I've had reason to feel mild jealousy towards the place. Or even really notice it. Our 91-year-old next-door neighbour holidayed there a few times back in the day, but he's a Millwall season ticket holder so that's about all I can say for him.

flapper le plonqueur

"Ken Ken"? Now you've done it.....