Meenzer

1. FSV Mainz 05.

Are you holding an "I am not Paul Wyn" sign?

He doesn't, he's a rubbery cartoon panther. I mean come on.

Gawd bless terrestrial TV for letting me catch up on fillums I should have seen years ago. Tonight's special: Hot Fuzz. At least 20 minutes too long, but it made me laugh three or four times so that's already a thumbs-up in my book. Flawed but endearing.

Nope

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_NME_covers#1995 1995

As the saying goes, when in Saint-Tropez, do as the Munchies 2-ians.

Aye, I've been talking doners throughout. Using actual meat is cheating.

Pub should be called the Tickle & Trout, then.

Makes him sound like a footballer. "Guettsy's played a blinder there, he's given 110%"

She's got another three tucked away inside her uniform.

Not drinking it yet, but I shall certainly be chasing down a crate or two of Mmmhops.

Submissive top.

Chloroform

HOUSE PRICE KLAXON

I want to break free!

It's automatically added by Google Translate, like "Posted from my iPhone 4" and similar.

The Italian part has some decent food, especially if you can find the kind of restaurant where there's no menu and Mama just churns out several courses from the kitchen for a tenner and you either eat what's served or you leave hungry. That's how dining should be in that part of the world. The ridiculous contradiction when it comes to Switzerland is that within the very same country, half an hour's flight away, you get the stick-up-the-arse Germanic types who think £16 is a reasonable price for a bowl of minestrone soup.

The what now?

Nobody ever actually ends up singing these things though. Mind I say that, but then there's "Don't Sell Cabaye"...

Direct translation officially impossible. Suggest "Schatzi, ist dein Würstchen zum Grillen gut?" as a viable, moderately camp alternative.

"Brattys" and "Bockys" - which, erm, OK then - are Bratwurst and Bockwurst, i.e. Teutonic sausage heaven. Jägerschnitzel is a Wiener schnitzel covered in creamy mushroom sauce. A bit like the sauce you get on chicken chasseur and things like that. It's good stuff, but it's also the kind of thing that makes every German man turn thoroughly portly by the age of 40 at the latest, so I can see why Parky avoids a steady diet of it.

Good.

It's the quality of the meat to an extent (not that "foreign" kebab meat is anything other than the usual mish-mash of lips and balls, but at least it's nicely spiced and vaguely resembles Actual Meat Product) - but more than that, it's the way the meat is cut. At some point in British immigrant history, it was decided that the best way to serve kebab meat was the long thin greasy sliver. The battle was already lost.