Monkeys Fist

I watched the last two rounds of the Tyson debacle. I was sitting waiting to get tipped in Kent and had already checked my “social media” so I bit the bullet. Also, it was on Netflix, which I’m already paying for, so effectively cost nowt. The Dude abides

Charlie Nicholas has always given me “ second child, poor family, wore his older siblings PE hand-me-downs” vibes. Which probably wasn’t helped by his older sibling being his sister. “ NICHOLAS! WHHYYY ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY GYM KNICKERS AND A SPORRRTS BRA???” And he’s never got over it.

I reckon his lass caught the cancer on purpose- don’t blame her tbh. His first wife that is, the one he was cheating on whilst she was busy dying.

I’m now 100% convinced that Farage was born from an egg on a mountain top.

It’s the Roomba with an engagement ring that got me

Neither is mine, other than the lack of hair above the ears in reality .… …And the fact that I’m driving some Forrin shite which has parked itself right across the bliddy road at 90°

I put… Beef Paprika Garlic Prosecco in to Chat GTF and this was the recipe it came back with. We’re having egg and chips.

Making a Goulashish for tea tonight. Beef (obvs) … stewing steak or any other fat-heavy cut, diced. Green lentils Couple of chopped beef tomatoes Tomato purée three quarters of a fuck-ton of garlic Sliced shallots Paprika White wine Beef stock plain flour salt and pepper Fresh parsley for garnish Secret Ingredients ( the ish bit) Thin sliced Kabanos (polish sausage) Beef dripping from the Christmas Day beef joint. Dust the beef in seasoned flour, with a decent amount of Paprika too Brown it in the beef dripping- do this in batches ( I used 1kg of beef and did 4 batches in my cast iron casserole pan). Once the beef is browned, cook the Kabanos- do it on a lowish heat as want the spicy fat to come out. Chuck them in the bowl with the beef once they’re done ( you want them just starting to crisp up, like pancetta in carbonara) Turn the heat on your hob down to its lowest possible setting, then whack the shallots in the pan and slooooowly cook them off. Not quite caramelised, but not far off is the target. We’re talking 20 minutes plus just for the shallots here. Right at the end, add your garlic, then some more for good measure, and soften it up for a few minutes- do not let it take in any colour. Once they’re ready, tip the beef and Kabanos back in with them, Add as much Paprika as you want here- for this amount of beef, I used a couple of dessert spoons, and then tickle more. Add the puree, and chopped tomatoes, then deglaze the pan with a healthy dose of white wine. By healthy, I mean unhealthy-1kg is a lot of beef, and your wine here is dual-purpose. Initially it’s deglazing all that lovely beefy stuff from the pan, but it’s also your acid element which helps the beef soften up and become melt in the mouth. Whack it in! (Don’t be shy, and also don’t be precious- I bought a decent bottle thinking “I’ll put a bit in then use stock to top it up ” , but I found a sad looking bottle of opened Prosecco and the arse end of a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc in the fridge - banged them in. With this much garlic and seasoning, it doesn’t matter about using some lovely wine, chuck in the dregs! ) Let that reduce by half at least. Add your beef stock and lentils, and stir it all together and then you have a choice In the oven on gas 3-4 for a couple of hours or On stove. Bring it up to a very gentle simmer, like, one or two bubbles breaking the surface, then put the lid on and turn the heat right down , so that it keeps the simmer but no more At this, about an hour will do you. Taste, season, then we’re having it with a fuck-off big Tiger bread chopped in to bits, or if you’re a fanny, do some sourdough flatbreads Garnish it with parsley and put a bowl of sour cream out to add as you want. I can not feckin wait for this tonight

How much we talking?

Braverman. What a collection of fucking whoppers.

Whoever wins this shitfest, the organisers will have missed a sitter if they don’t have John Terry jump in the ring at the end to celebrate.

When my daughter was a toddler, she would babble literally non-stop. The only time she’d stop was when she was filling her nappy. She’d go to the nearest available wall, put one hand, (only ever one ), against it, then go silent and red in the face as the monster emerged. I’m hoping President Von Shitzenpantz has a similar “tell”, and that it happens when he’s on stage. What are the bookies saying on Melanie dragging herself away from the tennis coach’s bed long enough to attend?

Who’s that in the top picture?…

The King is dead- long live the Banana King! We’ll be fine as long as we don’t wear Grey away kits*.… With that in mind, and in a break from tradition, I’m going to say 5-0 to us, with the match being abandoned on 88 minutes as Le Tissier stages a shit-down protest in the centre circle against Vaccines, the Lizard People, and Spitfires, and his Sky sacking. RIP Dazzler, what a run he had! * Oops! Wrong United…

Lee Dixon, Rio Duck Lips, but… If you took 10 tons of mince, put it in a whale sandwich , folded it in half, then put it in a castle wall, it still wouldn’t be as mind-numbing fucking thick as Merson All it says on his autocue is “ Breathe in” ” Breathe out”

I have more football knowledge in my C than A+B put together. Ferkin

The Doublewood is probably my favourite whisky tbh. We also threw the cork away on a bottle of The English single malt which I’ve had in the cupboard for a good while. Not too shabby at all

That’s the politest way I’ve heard anyone on here tell someone to fuck off

I had a “few” snifters of The Balvenie Doublewood over the Christmas holidays, first time I’ve touched a drop of whisky in a while. And by a few, I mean between my brother and I the bottle got gently caned

Did these last night. Top notch stuff- I particularly liked this album … and this EP But they were all right up mein straße! Special mention to a particular favourite song

You’d hope the filthy trollop had a shower after the deed, like.… 😉

He’s never been the same since his lying twat of a son turned in to a donkey.

Which post do you think I edited , Ibby?

Here’s a legitimate question- why is it that WUM’s, whose raison d’etre is to wind people up and get bites are, without fail, spectacularly shit at it, and at the same time, when it’s done to them, are the most delicate of snowflakes? We’ve had loads through here and they’re all exactly the same, just like this nearly 40yr old bloke above. Anyway, here’s a nice picture of my favourite childhood chocolate bar…

Again?