if you heard a joke today, post it

[Dougle 3864]

  On 04/04/2025 at 13:58, Gemmill said:

I ask cos our cat had worms recently. She's an outdoor cat who absolutely wrecks the local mouse community. Sometimes I come down in the morning and there's just a mouse head left. 

 

Two dead ones this morning. 

 

Anyway she's on regular dewormer now, the filthy bitch. 

Expand  

 

Aye, grew up on a farm and all our cats back then were always getting worms cos of the various mice, rats, rabbits (even a bloody hare once) and god knows what else they caught.

It was usually round worms which was horrible enough, but one poor bugger hoyed a fairly large tapeworm up, it was still moving about.

Traumatised to this day.

[Gemmill 52824]

  On 04/04/2025 at 15:29, Dougle said:

 

Aye, grew up on a farm and all our cats back then were always getting worms cos of the various mice, rats, rabbits (even a bloody hare once) and god knows what else they caught.

 

It was usually round worms which was horrible enough, but one poor bugger hoyed a fairly large tapeworm up, it was still moving about.

 

Traumatised to this day.

 

Expand  

 

I discovered the cat had worms cos one was hanging out of her arsehole, wiggling about.

 

[Dougle 3864]

  On 04/04/2025 at 15:39, Gemmill said:

 

I discovered the cat had worms cos one was hanging out of her arsehole, wiggling about.

 

Expand  

 

The tapeworms are the worst, built by little segments and apparently if one segment is left in the gut it generates a new worm.

Stuff of nightmares.

[strawb 4772]

Cats are fucking rank. Wish I could force the owners of cunts who leave dead wildlife or shite in our garden to come and pick it up.

 

Horrid, mangy things. 

[Craig 7431]

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

[Sonatine 12329]

[Dazzler 12690]

  On 06/04/2025 at 16:23, Craig said:

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

Expand  

This sucks…..I’ll see myself out.

[Howmanheyman 38083]

  On 06/04/2025 at 16:23, Craig said:

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

Expand  

 

See the union, Craig, there should be more than two of you, it's not right or safe.

[RobinRobin 12985]

  On 06/04/2025 at 16:23, Craig said:

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

Expand  

[Toonpack 12216]

  On 06/04/2025 at 16:23, Craig said:

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

Expand  

 There could be a lot at stake here.

[Monkeys Fist 46538]

  On 06/04/2025 at 20:44, Howmanheyman said:

 

See the union, Craig, there should be more than two of you, it's not right or safe.

Expand  

Aye- basic practice that mind.
Their Elf and Safety bloke should be getting it in the neck…

[RobinRobin 12985]

  On 07/04/2025 at 07:53, Monkeys Fist said:

Aye- basic practice that mind.
Their Elf and Safety bloke should be getting it in the neck…

Expand  

[Toonpack 12216]

[Toonpack 12216]

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

[Howmanheyman 38083]

  On 08/04/2025 at 14:02, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

Expand  

 

I thought he would've preferred lettuce? Just goes to show the wide and varied diet of wildlife that somehow finds a way to sustain itself.

[Sonatine 12329]

  On 08/04/2025 at 14:02, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

Expand  

[NJS 4718]

  On 08/04/2025 at 14:02, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

Expand  

I read that as "Rabbi" and when I got to the end thought "Isn't that a joke about a rabbit? "

 

 

[Howmanheyman 38083]

  On 08/04/2025 at 16:46, NJS said:

I read that as "Rabbi" and when I got to the end thought "Isn't that a joke about a rabbit? "

 

 

Expand  

 

FHP

 

  On 08/04/2025 at 14:02, Toonpack said:

Rabbi goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbi: "Oy! Vey!"

 

Server “What a stereotypical ending."

 

Rabbi “I can’t help myself, I’ve got myself mixed up in a toonpack joke.”

Expand  

 

 

[RobinRobin 12985]

  On 08/04/2025 at 14:02, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

Expand  

[Meenzer 16853]

https://bsky.app/profile/oregonthedm.bsky.social/post/3lmeenfu6r22x

[PaddockLad 19761]

  On 08/04/2025 at 14:02, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

Expand  

Not going to lie, I heard that joke 45 years ago. A girl called Alison Jackson told me it ☺️

[Howmanheyman 38083]

  On 09/04/2025 at 09:47, PaddockLad said:

Not going to lie, I heard that joke 45 years ago. A girl called Alison Jackson told me it ☺️

Expand  

 

 

PL's for reeall. 🎶

[wykikitoon 23874]

My cousin went to the City Baths at the weekend and saw this canny boiler smiling at him..  So he goes over to her and says;

'Alreet Pet, are ye flirtin?'

'Nah Pet, I'm on me tiptoes'

 

[Alex 37898]

  On 23/04/2025 at 12:37, wykikitoon said:

My cousin went to the City Baths at the weekend and saw this canny boiler smiling at him..  So he goes over to her and says;

'Alreet Pet, are ye flirtin?'

'Nah Pet, I'm on me tiptoes'

 

Expand  

That’s older than me. Probably older than me dad  

[Craig 7431]

  On 23/04/2025 at 13:54, Alex said:

That’s older than me. Probably older than me dad  

Expand  

Probably the first time in your life where Wykiki has posted without using the word 'cunt'.