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if you heard a joke today, post it

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I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my wife said, "You spoil them dogs".

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

Did you hear about the kiwi who slept with his sister?  He didn’t want to but she incested. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
9 hours ago, Howmanheyman said:

You've fucking had it when Rayvin sees this, mind.


Actually he's got the racial stereotyping correct. It's the Japanese who struggle with their "L"s. My complaint was always that people were applying it to the Chinese who have no such problem :lol:



I think my point was lost amid the clamour to take the piss though :D

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4 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said:

Did anyone hear about the restaurant on the moon?


great food, no atmosphere. 


I'm available for weddings, birthdays bah mitzvahs etc 

Originally heard that but with Mars Bars and great drink. As told by my Dad c. 1982 :D

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Walked past that posh new restaurant in the toon with wor lass the other day. She said the aromas wafting out smelled lush. I thought to myself that she deserved a little treat so made sure we walked past it on the way back as well. /Dads-R-us :good:

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19 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said:

Walked past that posh new restaurant in the toon with wor lass the other day. She said the aromas wafting out smelled lush. I thought to myself that she deserved a little treat so made sure we walked past it on the way back as well. /Dads-R-us :good:



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Two neighbours trying to better each other were boasting one morning.

" We're off to Dubai for 3 weeks" said accountant John.

" Well we're thinking about having a month in Australia soon enough" said Bob the baker.


"I'm thinking of trading my Lexus in for a ranger rover" said John.

" Well weirdly I'm thinking of trading my Micra in for a larger car... maybe a large Mercedes" said Bob.


John was starting to pretend to get a little irritated because he had to pretend to wonder how Bob was going to manage to do all this and pretend to wonder if he was just lying, so he decided to pretendy test Bob out by asking his young son if any of the stuff Bob said, was the truth.


He knew Bob's son was wigging in, so he goes over to Nathaniel and says, " I hear your dad's getting a new car and you're also going to Australia. Are you excited ?"


Nathaniel said: " I'm really excited but not as excited as getting our new house on Wynyard estate which is close to where Kevin Keegan's home was."

Nathaniel then skipped into his house and ran straight to his mother and said " mam, I've told John a big lie because he tried to ask about dad's boasting about the fictional holiday and car he mentioned."


His mam asked: " what exactly did you tell him?"

Nathaniel said: "Well I told him that we were moving to a new house on Wynyard estate near where Kevin Keegan used to live."


Nathaniel's mother pretended she was fuming at the blatant lies, so she drags Nathaniel down to the local church to see father Bartholomew.

Father Bartholomew takes Nathaniel into the confessional box and says:" why are you here, Nathaniel?"

Nathaniel says: "I've come for forgiveness for I have sinned. I told lies to my next door neighbour, John about us getting a new house on Wynyard estate near where Kevin Keegan used to live."


Father Bartholomew pretended to get really excited and shouted, " Nathaniel, do me a favour and get me Keegan's autograph and any other autographs of famous people on that estate , will you."


Nathaniel shouted: " I don't think you quite heard me properly... I said I sinned by telling lies to my neighbour about us getting a house on Wynyard. We aren't really moving to Wynyard."


Father Bartholomew shouted, " you what.......youuuuuuuuu bloody what. Are you frigging telling me that you can't get me Keegan's autograph because you lied about getting a house at Wynyard, you little piece of shit."


"Yes, that's what I'm telling you, Father" said Nathaniel.


Father Bartholomew steps out of the confessional box and says to Nathaniel's mother. " Your son is a little shit house and a lying little bastard and I'm going to kick his fucking head in and smash his face off the side of the confessional box and then I'm going to drag you out by the hair and smash your face off the tarmac in the car park."


Nathaniel's mother grabs Nathaniel from the confessional box and shouts " run Nathaniel, run as fast as you can and tell your dad what father Bartholomew has just said."


Nathaniel ran for his life, as fast as he could with his mother's voice echoing in his big wing nut like ears but getting fainter as he gained distance.

Nathaniel reaches home and hammers loudly on the door for over half an hour before realising his dad was still at the bakery 12 miles away.

He asks John if he would give him a lift to the bakery as it was a life of death situation.

John refused, so Nathaniel runs all the way to the bakery to find that he took so long, the bakery had closed.



Nathaniel's mother knew Nathaniel would do this and she actually planned it all with the next door neighbour, John and Bob, Nathaniel's dad.

It turns out that Bob put on a mask and played the role of father Bartholomew  so they could run away to Australia together and leave Nathaniel to fend for himself after finding out he supported Sunderland.


When Nathaniel found out they'd nashed, he beat John up and smashed up his car and house and then burgled a local convenience store where he held up the shopkeeper with a sawn off baseball bat and was eventually caught and sentenced to serve a full 56 years in broadmoor.


The moral of the story is, do not tell daft lies or support Sunderland.


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:lol: i honestly seen the wall of text from wolfy, instantly scrolled down and laughed at ewerks reply without reading the joke.



Girlfriend was screaming at me to remove a spider "ffs take it out take it out" so i did, had a couple of pints, nice guy was telling me he wants to work in i.t as a web developer


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