Dazzler

Is there a better pundit than McCoist? He's fucking mint, and for an ex-mackem too. Howe is struggling not to call the ref a prick. Unbelievably professional.

I noticed they didn't ask him about the pen. Because every fucker knows it should never have been given.

Mbappe speaks better English than Miggy.

It's a criminal decision at this level. It could cost us our place in the CL, and is completely down to the ref caving to the pressure from the PSG players (who by the law of the game should have been booked, which he also bottled).

Enrique as well. He's normally straight as a dart with shit, I'll be shocked if he doesn't come out and say it was a shit decision.

That was a fucking rugby tackle on Trippier. Ref decision, throw in. Makes sense.

Aye, their midfield don't seem to be up for it like. A bit of pace would carve them open at will.

When he has the ball at his feet I swear my arsehole tightens so much it touches the back of my throat.

Arteta would cry, and Klopp would gnash his horse teeth and throw a shit dig at him

These cunts are already panicking with all these fouls. We can get them wound up and carded and it can only help.

Gordon shithousing in front of Enrique. Love to see it.

We put a second in and they'll fall to bits. Fragile egos in Paris.

That run that lead to the goal

Fuck that. I'm not opening the floodgates for discussions about Sandra and her bong-eyed kid. My wife knows better though tbf, she uses their pets as a way to jog my memory. I am more likely to remember someone because of their dog than I am over any other part of their life. "Oh yeah, how is Archie the staffy's owner doing?"

My dad just tells me how much time he thinks he has left. It was a bit of an inside joke between us until he was rushed to hospital because his GP had fucked up his prescription which made him more poorly than normal, and he decided to say (in front of his 7 year old granddaughter): "I've probably only got a year left, me. I reckon one more Christmas and that's me done." It wasn't funny after that, though he thought it was amusing that I had to drive home and explain why Granda was saying silly things at the hospital. He was home a day later with the right prescription and has been fine since. Cunt.

"Do your twin sisters count as one, or do I have to pick one of them? Where are you going? This was your fucking idea!"

Hats off to him then. The amount of times I've found myself in hot water with a simple, "who the fuck is that?" when 'apparently' she talks about this friend 'all the time', is immeasurable.

You can also offer the worst advice ever first time you are asked and they sharp learn you are not the person to go to for advice. "Your manager made you, an admin assistant, file a box of old contracts, and despite the fact it's not in your job spec there is a line that says the list is NOT exhaustive and you will be asked to complete other tasks similar, or in line with your role. What a complete bastard. Have you thought about screaming the DX theme tune and hitting him with a sweet chin music?" Problem solved, now you can be a nodding dog in peace.

It must have come from some experience though. You've definitely accidentally paid attention, or intentionally during the early years when you were keen to push how good a listener you are and not insensitive like all them pricks her pals are with.

You have been paying far too much attention.

Nah, I think she knows deep down I am effectively there for her to vent to in body only, she doesn't want my active participation she just wants to get shit off her chest and I am willing to allow that so I don't get domestically abused.

I zone out with our lass, but make sure I take a mental note of names and general tone. That way I know who to call a cunt when she talks about them again.

Was she suitably mortified or did she come to work bragging about her fella being on the telly?

You can't technically chin someone that has no chin due to generations of devastating inbreeding.