acrossthepond

Now all that remains is to start taking bets on which player we'll make a fake deadline day helicopter bid for before announcing at 9pm that there will be no signings. We've had N'Zogbia, Aimar, Bryan Ruiz. Let's go with...Troy Deeney as this year's deadline day bullshit signing.

That'll do. Ideally we would also shift Mitrovic and buy or loan another striker as cover for Sturridge/Gayle's inevitable injuries in the run-in. We're also worryingly flat in midfield and need a playmaker. Atsu, Murphy and Ritchie are industrious but not exactly the most creative players, and to add to that, Ritchie is bang out of form. Shelvey is as likely to be sent off as produce a good ball, Merino has flattered to deceive, I'm still not entirely sure Saivet plays for us since his appearances are so random and he never gets a run in the team, and Hayden is purely defensive. I'll not hold my breath though.

We're certainly trying to play the game, and I can't pick out anyone that's done a bad job. Two lightning counters from them and a very unlucky block from Lascelles, and that's your match. Luck's just not going our way.

Horrific dive from Gayle too, just as well there's no VAR as I doubt he'd fancy the ref seeing that replayed again six times or so.

According to .com he's suspended. Andy Cole comparisons are all very good but the gulf between the first division and the PL was different then, and the Dutch league has been nothing but a breeding ground for PL flops in recent years. Both de Jong donkeys look like world beaters in the Dutch league. Wijnaldum was the same, though he adopted to the PL better than either of them and can't really be called a "flop." Klaassen is another big money failure who just came over from the Netherlands in the summer. Depay, Altidore, Alves, Bony (looked good in his first season but certainly appears a flop now), Janssen, Tomasson, Kezman...the list goes on and on. I'd much rather have Slimani. Gameiro too obviously, not that I think he'd sign.

Fuck me, that video doesn't exactly make me want to drop everything and buy him. Half of those were tap-ins and another quarter went straight through the keeper like he wasn't there. We can do better.

Every time someone refers to a sad Mackem bastard on here, they're practicing internalized racism, is that it? They're expressing dislike of Wearsiders, often people who have nothing to do with them personally, because of where they're from and because of the football and extended rivalry between Newcastle and Sunderland, which according to you is racist. No. They're expressing disdain for a regional rival. Which is what I'm doing. The relationship between Algeria and Egypt is not dissimilar to Sunderland and Newcastle - both are predominantly North African Arab Muslims, just like mackems and Geordies are both North Eastern, predominantly white working class Englishmen, and in both cases their football teams have a strong (as you read in the links, though you didn't read them too closely or you would've seen that Slimani was indeed a member of the Algerian side that cheated their way to the 2014 World Cup) rivalry that has come to unjustified violence in the past. I don't understand why this connection is hard for you to grasp, which makes me think you are being dense on purpose. Then again, you've reached your 20s without ever learning which form of "it's" to use, so it could just be you aren't too swift. Now, take your internet dictionary - internalised racism, my foot - and fuck off. Save that word for when it truly applies.

Yes, I'm racist against my own people, you're right. You caught me!

I wanted us to sign him before he ever went to Leicester. Great player. There's just, you know, these small matters, and then there was this. All of which will rapidly be forgiven when he scores his first goal in black and white, and I will change my avatar to the Algerian flag.

Nice to see you, Gene, you old semicolon-botherer. Do fuck off.

Three brackets above the like of Joselu. Class player, definitely won't wear black and white this window. Mirror linked us to Sandro Ramirez from Everton, another flop we shouldn't be going anywhere near. Out of all the strikers we've been linked for, I'd go for Ings. Safra has scored a few goals, enough to make me think he's worth spending whatever pennies Mike finds down the back of the sofa, at least to the end of the season.

"I tried to get down to brass tacks but he was too busy puking chicken tikka into one of his empty pint glasses. Number eleven or twelve, I couldn't tell you which. He appeared to think I was referring to our waiter when I mentioned Rafa. Later he had the poor bloke by the front of his shirt bellowing that 'Pards got a fackin' away win at City playing Aarons.' When I mentioned January signings he turned green and excused himself, though I can't be sure if that was just the chicken tikka again."

Didn't even know he was playing until now. Time to pull our collective finger out.

I'd go on record as saying there's no chance we will swap Mbemba for Diafra Sakho. It's a hard pass on Hernandez as well, he's well off the pace and Gayle is essentially a fitter version of him. None of this matters as we have absolutely no budget and intend to sign no fucker but it's nice to at least pretend we might have some activity in this market.

Is that what all Middle Eastern business deals are, like?

Aye, we should have more Norwegians immigrate, because they're breaking down the doors to get in. Get to fuck. These are some of the worst, most blatantly racist comments since Wilson, a hundred years ago. This man is a hate criminal who isn't fit to shine Washington's and Jefferson's shoes. He is no more worthy to be president than Jefferson Davis, George Wallace, Strom Thurman, or the other fossils of the past that we had nearly left behind.

Coquelin and Elneny supposedly available at Arsenal - maybe we shift Shelvey, who Rafa plainly feels he can't rely on, and sign one of them? They would take up Hayden's role and let Merino play more of the creator. I don't like the idea of selling Shelvey to a relegation rival (West Ham, as has been mooted by the rags) in mid-season at all, but who are our saleable assets? Niasse is also meant to be available, he's hardly a world-beater but he's scored enough at PL level in two questionable sides to make me think he would be a useful acquisition. Ulloa and Musa as well from Leicester although I'm not really sure if either of them are better than what we currently have.

Penalty for Sheffield United was a flagrant double hit as well, that one could've been corrected in 15 seconds. There will still be shades of grey and areas of interpretation for refs to handle, but obvious, clear and present violations of the rules of the game should be getting fixed in real time, not belatedly overturned by a panel or tried via Sky Sports jury.

When you think about some of the truly mind-blowing officiating errors (Beye red v. Man City, dire offside goal award for Bournemouth a few weeks ago, Tiote disallowed goal v. Man City, "ghost goals" that have been given, Henry handball v. ROI, yellow card for Ben Thatcher after GBH on Pedro Mendes) that have single-handedly wrecked games, how can you not support this system? Of course it will have some bugs to work out at the start but it'll be good for the game long term.

I wouldn't spend a penny on him if we had Man City's budget, let alone the £10 asda voucher budget Rafa's going to get this January.

Richly deserved. I'd hate to have been born a Stoke fan, dear me what a dire club.

Get in!

A certain penalty. Then, if somehow it wasn't, it was advantage from Choupo's foul on Murphy just before he played the ball and we should have a free kick. Ref's pissed to be at the Potteries on New Year's.