Gemmill

Probably just "Newcastle wanted to sign him before, they'll want him again" twitter journo bollocks. Unless I've missed something, I've not even heard him mentioned by anyone who gets things right about us.

Sorry to hear of your troubles Craig. Stick around on here if it helps at all, but if you need to be away from here, we all hope you're OK and you're getting the help you need.

Fuck Ekitike. Dicked us about and then PSG want shot two thirds of the way through his first season. We had a lucky escape there and I reckon that's what they'll think within the club too.

POWER Pivot is where it's at these days. I wouldn't touch a standard pivot table with yours. I've left you behind with your shorts on back to front here, but you shouldn't feel bad.

The way you lot absolutely gobble down the stats on here, I could probably live off the superchats. "Watch this graph lads......click refresh aaaaannnnnd...BOOM! Toonpack, thanks for the sub. PaddockLad, thanks for the superchat, it's people like you that keep this channel going."

Our xG from set plays is actually the best in the league (I've sorted in the xG column here). But we've only turned that 16xgG into 9 goals.

Aye it's weird. I think it's cos Burn isn't actually that great in the air and Schar prefers concussions to goals. Our best threat from corners is permanently on the bench too (Lascelles).

Aye I didn't think he looked great but it must be his first start on 4 or 5 months if not longer. The ability to rotate people in and out now is class. Murphy and Isak have only had about 90 minutes across the last two matches and have made massive impacts to both. After last night they're basically completely fresh going into Sunday.

Scandalous from Beardsley. Other worldly to be able to do that at all, but to be able to do it under pressure in an actual game. These people can just fuck right off as I sit down to a day of spreadsheeting.

wyKeithki Lemon He's so fucking Yorkshire he can't even say Alexander properly.

The black lad on that one, I think it might be the first time he's seen a football match. He seems absolutely bewildered by everything.

Wykiki: "'e' s dinked it t't' back post. That is mad tekkers."

I find these things a bit weird but it's worth it just for an appearance from Wykiki on the second clip. Turn if off before the third clip though cos that one is BRUTAL.

And then Isak turning up late on and unceremoniously dumping his bollocks into their gob. Naughty.

Pope is fucking class. He's earned us loads of points this season and made massive saves at really important moments in games. Aye he's wobbly when he comes out of his box, but keepers that are that good in their area AND can come out and take players on basically don't exist (outside of the couple that do and they're already at the level of club that reflects their scarcity). You've been doing so well recently but it should come as no surprise to you to learn that you've got this one wrong.

Just watched a second interview with Wilson where he mentions that Isak is "not an out and out number 9, he's probably more of a wide striker which is why he has those dribbling skills" Hear my PLEAS, Daddy Eddie!

Undercover Adam. How did a celebrity of his calibre not get recognised?!

I think Leicester will get out of the mess though.

Interesting Hope saying that Newcastle have plans on picking up one player from a relegated team. Ward-Prowse? Maddison? Looking at the league table there and the final relegation spot is one from Leicester, Leeds or Forest (Everton are sunk, as you know). I'd probably pick Leicester to go just for the Maddison opportunity.

When I saw it in real time I assumed there was some luck and some bundling of the ball off their defenders involved. On replay, it was the opposite. Clinical, clean, and a bloke in total control of the situation - proper "how the fuck can you do that at such pace in an actual real match you freak" stuff. £63m might start looking like a steal if he keeps anything like these levels.

....and finally, those all important expected points: Everton: 0.18 Newcastle United: 2.73 DOMINATION!

The yank stats lads and the bookies are going big on us being CL boys next season.

Too busy raping folk, I would imagine.