The Fish

Well, she's probably even more down to earth now. Below it, some might say.

It's like letting you open all your birthday presents, but you're not allowed to play with any until you come back from lunch at Granma's.

He didn't find himself there though, did he? He put himself there. I am driving my car up a side street, the main road I'm looking to join is filled with a large crowd of football fans walking on the road, do I; a) put my head in my hands and sob uncontrollably or, b) turn the car around and go a different route, or wait if there isn't one or, c) drive into the crowded street, wipe some disco dust from my nose and get ready for some Carmageddon

Not anti-hair, pro-Bald.

Didn't realise it was set before Alien.

David Berkowitz had a lot of hair

I hate his collars.

What's the odds on him beating the 24 months that Ashworth managed?

Plus he's an outstanding dribbler and has decent pace, and all the good stuff too. We shouldn't treat him as a targetman, because what happened to the last player we used as a targetman when that was never his position? He was shit until he was moved away from being a targetman.

Hey, A.L.F. , it's called a wave.

Yeah the ring road around Antwerp was a bit slow because of roadworks. But that aside, it was a breeze. Even the majority of the roads were only two lanes, everybody overtakes then gets back into the slow lane. No middle lane hogging there, no line of twats sat in the fast lane because they might miss their only chance to overtake.

I wish. The drive down was a bitch, specifically the M25. Getting through the Dover port was a fucking breeze compared to the Calais side on the way back. We arrived 2hrs early to Calais, and due to stereotypically French efficiency were among the last cars on the Ferry before it left port.

True enough. The genuine hope is that the good luck they've enjoyed so far runs out.

Got back from Center Parks at de Vossemeren in Belgium on Monday. Jesus the driving over there is so much easier than here.

This is key for me. Wissa is used to the speed and physicality of the Premier League. Big Nick is not. The Turnip wasn't rushed into the team, Ze German won't be either.

I did similar. Premiums didn't change that much to be honest.

Will it be scribbled on the back of your pencil case?

It's not about 11s any more mate. And we'll likely stick with 4-3-3.

Have you even tried?

See, I thought that, and they've definitely strengthened their attack. But they scored more than anyone else last season (86 goals ), their pressing issue wasn't up front. It was the ageing Van Dijk and wantaway Konate that are the problems. They've spent nearly half a billion quid and they're still a little too janky at the back for my liking.

So now that the window is shut, who's "Won the window"?

Scotty, Scotty, Scotty, this is a gift. The money I've saved on shampoo and haircuts has kept me in blazers and pocket squares ten times over.

I once sat behind Pavel Srnicek on a flight back from London to Newcastle. There must be something funny about goalkeepers flying from London to Newcastle, but I'm fucked if I can find it. A little more colour on that story is that I got his autograph on the only bit of paper I could find - a sick bag. I said thank you and went to shake his hand but he'd already started holding hands with his wife again, so in a fit of awkward teenage panic I ruffled his hair. Sat for the next 15-20 minutes absolutely mortified and refused to leave my seat until I was sure he'd got off.