Ayatollah Hermione

I assume the bottom left knob is to adjust the levels of FABULOUSNESS

Fucking hell, check out Brian Gay here. This post has been brought to you by 2006

Rest players for West Ham, let these win so we can drop Villa and West Ham into the shit and then unleash ASM on Sunday to double West Ham’s agony. West Ham.

Mind, that relegation battle at the bottom of the Championship is mental. Luton have clawed back into it and Stoke have well and truly dropped their arse. Any 3 of 7 could go.

Man United look a different team with Fernandes in it. He’s give everyone a lift.

Someone riding through traffic in a full suit is like something you’d see on a Japanese hidden camera show.

A big shoutout to the bloke in ALDI who picked up every single packet of sausages, looking for the best date. Did I fuck go near them, he looked a right scruffy bastard.

And less of the potty mouth!!

They're after some kid who was on Love Island last year

Renton, get a Segway. You'll look like Paul Blart patrolling the coastal line.

What I've only just thought about is that it only cost Palace £3 million to buy out an 8 year deal God knows how little Pardew was on.

"5 Miles on an Electric Scooter" sounds like a twee novel about fuck all that The Guardian would give 5 stars

Fucking hell Make sure your mam doesn’t take it off you for not doing your homework.

Wonder how much Amazon had to pay for this awful Palace/Burnley match

Will be a bad day when right-on Twitter sees this and we all get cancelled

Lascelles has spoke to Ashley about some clarity for the lads. I dare say if Ashley could influence it, it’d be done by now.

JCB starter buttons

If Dwight Gayle must be sacrificed to satiate the blood lust of their vengeful gods, then so be it

Aye, stick him with Danny Murphy for MOTD2. That’d be enough to get the happiest bloke in the world to head off to the Foreign Legion

I think it’s a disgrace that they didn’t void the league

Two queued up behind him as well.

Gayle looked chuffed to be on

Still in the game at 0-1, mind....

Should complain to the FA that the Man City kit is some kind of radar-jamming, vision-blinding piece of chemical weaponry and get a bye to the semi.

Schar is great on the ball but he’s a shocking defender at times What a fucking idiot. This’ll be 4-5, no problem.