Kid Dynamite

The silly bitch told us we could have the keys at 10am. Its 3.15om and we still havent got the fuckers!!! In the words of Bad Boys 2... Who Dat In Ma Hoooouse!!!!!!!!!!! http://fuckinhatiansinafuckinlittleassroom...guns.ytmnd.com/

Its a list of Tommy Cooper esque jokes in case it wasnt plain to see

Worth it. Modric cost the same and he could be a flop. You know Bentley can produce in this league

Id be breaking the bank for Barry and Bentley like

I wonder what the craic is now then? Hes either convinced him to shell out a fortune or its the beginning of the end for Keegan already!

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End' So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down. I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on. My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job." So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal. I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts. I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow

Some very British humour in there for yanks

Sofa companies are notorious for that. Especially the larger firms. Cant wait for tonight! Sitting on the floor looking at the wall Have friends round for dinner, tell them it's the Japanese minimalist look. It will have to be minimalist food too cos thje fridge isnt coming til tomorrow

Aye I thought it was pretty good, more interesting than most of the origin story's we get for the first outing of a suphero franchise (although that might be because I haven't seen it done a million times before a la Batman/Superman/Spiderman/Hulk). Downey Jr and Bridges are obviously very good and whatshername isn't too annoying thankfully. Yeah, I never really saw the attraction of gwyneth paltrow, but all the pictures of her recently in short skirts and high heels make me think chris martin is a lucky man!

Sofa companies are notorious for that. Especially the larger firms. Cant wait for tonight! Sitting on the floor looking at the wall

Im moving house today. We had a dining table, 2 sofas and a tv cabinet all due to be delivered by 3 different shops tomorrow and every one of the fuckers rang this week to say they will be delayed!

Could turn out to be better than Modric!!! Or could be another Viana

Id take Ashton in a heartbeat! Considering Viduka looked so shit at the beginning of the season, you realise now just how good a player is. The ball sticks to his feet like glue

I was giving him gip for putting it on! Looked like nowt at the time!

Boris for PM!!!!

I am Ironman

It makes more footballing and financial sense to go to stoke. No other Premiership team will have him

I reckon Downing will be at Boro for a while yet

If you forget about how shit we were for most of this season, with a couple decent players I think we are better than anyone apart from maybe Spurs for 5th place. And even they finished mid table

I like to think Im good at my job but maybe its a good thing I work with kids and not long term patients as I probably dont have the right outlook or temprement for it. I do genuinely hope he gets better, but he needs to stay out of the media first

Probably a bit of both. Nothing in life is easy. But there comes a point when you need to stop blaming other people/things for your own downfalls and do something about it

Bullard hits the target with every cross, corner and free kick. Our front 3 would have a field day

Been up for a while now

Bullard would be a good buy. We need to get shot of Geremi and Smith Pronto though

Im pretty sure its mental health and maybe young offenders ? Correct. However, it doesnt matter how good a nurse you are if the person you are trying to help doesnt want it. Hes had more chances and help then any mental health patient I have ever met and hes still out on the piss. Is that illegal? or just in your book? Not normally, but when your a recovering alcoholic (five times over) with mental health problems, its probably not the best solution. Nice subtle attempt at a dig though I know you're trying to be clever, as per usual, but you've just conceded he's addicted to the most widely available of drugs. I don't suppose even he thought it was a good idea. That doesnt change the fact that hes had as much professional help and care that is available. At what point do you stop saying 'Its an addiction, its not his fault.' Wel be going in circles til the day he dies Addcitions can be broken, just ask any recovered drug or alcohol addict. It takes will power though. It doesnt matter how addicted you are to something, the choice is still there to not do it anymore. Hes a weak minded man who will look to blame anyone but himself. Hes in his second institution in a month. He doesnt have access to drink there. He can stay, accept the help given to him, get clean and stay clean. Do you think he will?