Monkeys Fist

Aye, aye, my question is, where were you when the clocks went back last time Cath? Where were you???? I’ve been living off kilter for months. Absolute dereliction of duty.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. I hereby decree that something must be done.

They’ll have a hard job doing that when they’re hanging by their heels in Parliament Square

It’s his face I feel sorry for- imagine losing your body at such a young age. RIP Kenny.

Excellent. Thanks very much Gemmill.

I have no idea why this made me laugh, but it did.

A 10ft coffin, slowly whirring down the aisle carried by 6 weeping Roombas.

Can you lads recommend a good, beginner-level guitar tutorial, preferably on YouTube? My lad has been having lessons at school, he knows which string is which, where the notes are on the frets etc, he’s just starting out on chords and I’d like to be able to keep him going. As much as I love music, I am utterly lacking in any ability to play guitar myself. I’ve tried, numerous times, and it’s never going to happen

I’m not sure South Brazil could muster an army to take them.

The Coaster- a particularly nasty and self important building manager in one of the BT call centres we used to have contracted. I’d send the lads in to see her, warning them about her behaviour, and just before they’d go in I’d tell them, “ Oh, by the way, word is her husband likes to lie under the coffee table while she lays a cable on the glass, so try not to picture her doing that”

Rise up brothers, man the barricades… in three months, when we’ve all done as we’re told.

Does he live in Tyne Dock, like?

The End Times are upon us. Cthulhu due at Tyne Dock imminently.

Aussie PM “Stop hoarding, I can’t be more blunt about it. Stop it. It is not sensible, it is not helpful and it has been one of the most disappointing things I have seen in Australian behaviour in response to this crisis.” Good Cunt.

Mein Trumpf. Katy Hopkins Yaxley-Lennon.

Prince Killip, more like.

Don’t click on this then… https://journalistsresource.org/studies/society/public-health/global-rise-human-infectious-disease-outbreaks/

If you listen really carefully, you can hear a faint, persistent scratching in the background. It’s the sound of millions of wives writing “jobs around the house” lists for us poor saps. Worse, still- THERE’S NO FUCKING ESCAPE!

Sorry. Had to be done.

Don’t worry, he’ll change his mind tomorrow.

I got stopped in town by a scouser market researcher who asked, ” Do you like avocado?” I said, “ No mate, I can’t drive.”

Every cloud… https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-51943592