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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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Jesus Christ, Gemmill, man! :lol:

Anyway, bloke walks into the bar with a stork and a cat. Bloke asks for a pint to which the stork chips in with a "make it two!" And the cat adds "no, make it three, they're paying." This goes on all night, bloke gets pissed, cat and stork get drunk also, cat ducks paying his lob every round. Eventually the stork and cat fuck off for a piss so the barman grabs his chance to question the bloke. "Here mate. What's the craic here? How come you're drinking with a cat who won't get his round in and a stork?" The bloke sighs and tells him about the old lamp he found and how a genie popped out and gave him one wish only. "What did you ask for, mate?" Ask the barman. "What did I ask for?" The now pissed bloke slurred, "I only fucking asked for a bird with long legs and a nice tight pussy."

I heard that at high school 30 odd years ago :lol:

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I like Stewart Lee. Didn't realise that was a controversial opinion.

I've wanted to like his stuff but just can't get with it.

 

And I imagine his audience to be just as smug as Lee's persona.

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I've wanted to like his stuff but just can't get with it.

 

And I imagine his audience to be just as smug as Lee's persona.

Aye, watched his show the other day hoping his stuff would be canny and couldn't believe just how self indulgent it was, it just wasn't funny at all and he almost gloried in that fact. Maybe I was unlucky and hit on a bad night.
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  • 4 months later...

Did you hear about the woman with five legs? Getting shoes is murder but her knickers fit her like a glove.

 

I know - it's a Dad joke - but Cath started it.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I hope she wasn't Mrs Fist until after you married her :)

Very early in our relationship we established certain rules with each other regarding our likes and foibles.

She once asked me to stop my, as I saw it, harmless habit of impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

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