Monster

Ah, but does it only open once every 100 years? No, it's pretty much roadworks free for at least a fortnight every decade. Interesting(possibly ) fact: Ayr Uniteds nickname is 'The Honest Men', because of a line from a Burns poem which describes his home town thus: 'Auld Ayr wham ne'er a town surpasses, for honest men and bonnie lasses'

Mine was awful I dropped the bottle of rohypnol and it smashed, i didn't bring a long enough length of rope, my mask fell off. Nightmare.

I missed that as well. Sorry. Bloody companies are always trying to save money by shifting their call centres to the third world. There will come a time when it will cost them money because nobody will be left here with a job earning enough money to buy their products.

We speak in code so the likes of you can't understand us. It's like the whole kilt wearing thing really. We are actually aliens and i will now be sent back to Zarg for revealing that fact.

What in the name of all that is holy and free are those 'people' talking about? What language is that? Edited to say: This woman rapper person has made me almost weep with laughter at the sorst lyrics in the history of humanity:

I have a 3 phone but it's PAYG. My brother has a 3 contract and the customer service department is staffed almost entirely by gibbering muppets who seem to push random buttons on their PC's when asked to do simple tasks. An Indian bloke who can speak only very bad English and dubiously claims his name is 'Nigel' won't be much farther along the bell curve i wouldn't have thought.

Just after a woman gives birth to her baby, the doctor asks if she wants the good news or the bad news. "The bad news, doctor", replies the mother. "It's ginger", says the doctor "So what's the good news?!" "It's dead." ----------------------------- Quasimodo hasn't had sex for a while so he pops down to the local brothel with his paycheck. When he gets there all the whores run away in fright as he is so ugly, so he starts to cry. The Madam comes up to him and says "Why are you crying?" "Its because I'm so ugly, no one will ever shag me. I only want a quick one I wouldn't be long and I'll pay double," The Madam takes pity on old Quasi & beckons the young 16 year old maid over from her hiding place. "You, with him, now," "Oh I couldn't he's too ugly," "Do it or I'll send you back to the poor house," The maid recluctantly agrees. Quasi takes her hand and dashes upstairs. Soon all the clothes are off and he's hammering away, pulling all the best sex faces which of course doesn't look good on him. "I can't stand this," thinks the girl, "I'm going to puke," She tries closing her eyes but when she opens them again, there he is gurning away. Its too much, she loses her lunch in the most graphic way all over the pair of them just as he comes his custard. "Oh my god!" says Quasi, "What the hell was that?" "I'm sorry Quasi, cos you're so ugly I'm afraid I was sick," says the maid. "Thank f**k for that," says Quasi, "I thought my hump had burst."

Believe it or not, girls-night-out conversations do actually involve all of the things (and more) that Toplass posted. The wife came back from work a couple of weeks ago and siad: "You know Debbie from work? The 45 year old?" Me:"Yeah..." "Turns out she's never had an orgasm." I really needed to know that, for the next awkward time i bump into Debbie: "Oh, hi, Debbie. So....eh....you still frigid then?" Women......

I hope that wasnt aimed at me? No, at the thread in general. For cypriot wine see Renton's post... Hmm - once in the early 70's I went into an off licence and asked for "something cheap and nasty" and the bloke produced a bottle of "romanian Reisling" - "very cheap and very nasty sir - I guarantee it" and he was RIGHT!!! A terrible slur on Romania which does produce decent wines (tho as they point out most of them are exported to Jormany - where you never see any Romanian wine on sale - very odd that....) In Malta - a bottle of "Special Reserve" - guaranteed to have been in the bottle for at least a weekend.......... god knows what the "ordinary" was like In Austria in the late 90's a bottle of genuine anti freeze - it had a very odd smell, a sheen on the surface and .............................. An English wine (at the vineyard no less) that had so much sugar in it it qualified as an Energy Drink God!! I suffer for my hobbies You suffer for your art with your jogging in the park you're the BEST BY FAAAAR you've read Karl Marx and you've taught youraelf to dance you know you SHOULD GO FAAAAR Wise words there, i'm sure you'll agree. What would the world do without Bros? Anyway, when i were a student i once picked the padlock on my landladys downstairs cupboard and drank 3 bottles of her homebrewed red wine. The hangover lasted three days and i still cannot drink any red wine, not matter how 'Sainsburys' it is.

I'm staying in getting pished on cheap lager the night, in preparation for a wee run out to sunny Alloa tomorrow. Yes, i know. Women want to luuurve me, men want to be me......

SSSSSHHHHHHH.....they're about to kiss......

You pair should get a room tbh.....

Scottish Cup Ayr 1 St. Johnstone 2 aet. Shite.

We are the tea-time tribe and we are overfriendly........

The wifes faves were Walkers Worcester Sauce, until they discontinued them. She went mental. E-mailed and phoned them and all sorts. Did no good though. Did Walkers think of who she'd take it out on? Did they fuck. Gits.

I've just this minute got a text from the missus informing me cheerily that she has just bought a new microwave and it looks great. I must be careful not to get caught speeding on the way home from work........

I used to love the Golden Wonder Sausage and Tomato flavour, but i don't think they make them any more.

Might be quite funny that......

Hi Doctor Nick!

Does it have to be a human? I have an intense dislike of otters........

I was going to defend the guy as his posts didn't seem so bad to me, but then on page 2 he said: 'BAN THE FATTIES'. Now i'm so enraged i'd vote for him to be banned if i wasn't busy spreading lard on my Big Mac.

'Is it an engagement ring?' Nah, mate, you're outta there!

Oooooh nooo, i'm big boned. My metabolism is slow. I'm under-height. *cough*

Monkeys arse tbh Glad you don't find me attractive tbh Mr. La Rue...... I was still standing at that point (half-time) despite consuming 20 bottles of 1664 on the way up there....... See ladeeez? All that and rock as well!

Here i am last day of last season at Peterhead, relaxing with my classy mullet and my 'Ayr Service Crew' flag! Feel free to mop those gussets now, ladies.....