Ayatollah Hermione

I actually think he'd be quietly very good but with this, Lodi and Nketiah, I think I must just be in a positive mood today. Ask me tomorrow when I'm trudging into work and you'll get a true reflection

Colback got a call-up somehow but he didn’t get on

James Justin getting called up is bizarre Did his name get picked out of a hat? I’m sure there’s about 7 full backs for 3 games

Edwards is still peddling Nketiah links because he’s pals with Willock. Might be a hot take but if we got him and he played 30+ games, he’d hit 12-14 goals no bother. Kind of striker that will take his chances against the bottom half shite

This is Bruno’s back heel and then everyone else can fight for second. That was an outrageous thing to pull off in your first game

I’ll still be very surprised if we don’t go in for Targett, mind. He hasn’t put a foot wrong and Howe has even softened in interviews and become less vague about his chances of a permanent deal in recent weeks.

Give him the prediction job, man. It’ll be fantastic reading

Cant wait for it to transpire that we’ve never wanted Tarkowski or Kamara and have just been pretending to lumber Villa and Everton with them so we can sign more Brazilians without competition

Think I’ve mentioned it before but he’s specifically told to be as basic as possible when the opposition score and he’s well aware that it comes across as them being bitter and angry about it but his bosses won’t be told

You’ve got to laugh at Eddie Howe showing no mercy to Burnley. What a man

I always laugh when people get onto the pitch and you see them run on, all full of crack and then they stop, realising that they have no idea what to do now that they’re on the pitch and then they just sort of jump up and down. Just stay in your seat and get to the pub earlier

It’s my pal, I’ll pass the message on to him

That social club next to the ground is total 1970s. They’ll do you a Stalingrad and coke, no bother

Has the number one super Geordie covered “Friday Night” by David Baird yet?

Lawro spent the entire 2014 World Cup pissing and moaning on about being paid to go to Brazil and watch the games. And when he could be arsed to commentate, he just used to ask endless questions to whichever unlucky cunt was paired with him. “Would you say that’s a foul?” “You’d think he’d hit that first time, wouldn’t you?” Dickhead, you’re being paid to explain that to us. Thanks for triggering me, Alex

Yes but Everton are the biggest club that could have ever been potentially relegated. We aren’t which is why we’ll never understand or something.

I bet that Gape can open up some defences

on the gear 10 minutes before full-time, top off and ready to windmill. I’m just imagining Graeme Jones’ flip-flops flying through the sky in the fracas

How much of a classless backwater tramp do you have to be to go on like that, drinking warm cans of Fosters in a public fountain and leaving the place a fucking tip, and then walk off thinking everyone will love you for it? And then you have Storey going round trying to get free cans off people in the one tatty Sunderland top he owns

Well, at least he’s getting abuse for being homophobic instead of being black. We’ve come a long way baby

Hope Garth Crooks takes over the predictions. His table would be incredible at the end of the season. Oldham Athletic have somehow finished 11th in the Premier League

Almost forgot about that 15 minutes to get some power virgin untied from a goalpost

Are Liverpool still on their 482 game winning streak in his predictions?

I can see England trying to get Potter when Southgate leaves

I’ve been thinking that, with these having it all to play for, they’d beat us but, by the same token, they are canny shit. I’ll go down the middle and say a draw with Brentford beating Leeds to make all the fuss irrelevant anyway